Page 52 of Saving Shepperd

Strangely, she recited the facts like the anchor on the evening news. Detached and unfeeling, even though she was talking about her own family.

Still, I said, “Oh, baby, I’m so sorry. Your mother must have been terrified.” It seemed like an appropriate response to that bomb drop.

She shrugged. “I’m sure she was. Hannah has had nightmares her whole life about it even though her actual memory is spotty about it happening. I’m sure it’s been just as hard on her,” she added, and I thought it might have been the first kind, understanding thing I’d heard her say about one of her siblings.

So why all the bitterness and resentment? I wanted to ask the question but didn’t want to interrupt her now that she was sharing.

So she continued. “But here’s the thing. We have all relived that day over and over again. Whether it was through my parents’ paranoia that something was going to happen if we were out of their sight for even a minute or my sister always being handled with kid gloves. Like she was their only child, you know? While the rest of us needed our parents just as much and were often left to fend for ourselves. Over the years, especially now that I’m older, I think they’ve done more damage in the way they’ve dealt with the experience than the experience did itself.”

I scooped her hands into mine and lifted her knuckles to my lips. After placing gentle kisses on both hands, I looked at her for a long moment. I was angry for her. I was sad for her. But most of all, I wanted to be here for her. In all the times her parents and sisters failed to support her, I wanted her to know she could count on me. Her trust issues made a lot more sense now.

I decided to take a risk and draw a line connecting what she had just told me to the original situation she’d shared. God save me if I set her off.

“It makes sense why you never trusted your parents enough to tell them about the abuse at school. You probably thought either they wouldn’t believe you or didn’t have the time for you because they seemed to be more focused on Hannah all the time.”

While I spoke, she nodded in agreement. And then another thought was born from the previous. I could definitely be connecting dots that had no business being connected, but it seemed pretty obvious to me. Maybe talking about it with me would give her the courage to finally address this topic with her family.

“You’ve said before that you suspected the same janitor molested your sister. Knowing about her history now, I would think she made a pretty ripe target for the bastard. Do you ever think about talking to her about what happened?”

“I mean, I’ve fantasized about it, you know? Like what would that be like to have something we could bond over? And what an awful thing to bond over, right?” She forced out a laugh, but we both knew it wasn’t close to being funny.

Christ, this was a fucked-up situation. But these women deserved peace and security in their lives. The strength they could get from each other could help them navigate daily life after being taken advantage of so cruelly.

Suddenly, Shepperd inhaled deeply through her nose and sat up taller. “Okay,” she said. “That’s enough of that bullshit for one night. Please let’s change the subject.”

I was baffled by her declaration and didn’t know how to react. How did she just turn it off like that? I couldn’t figure out the how, but I was sure about the why. This was her unhealthy way of coping. Still, words escaped me completely.

Shepperd shot to her feet, pivoted to face me and planted her hands on her hips. “Why are you just staring at me now?”

“Sit down,” I said in a quiet but direct tone.

Out of instinct, she followed my instruction and sat back down on the cushion beside me.

Keeping my voice calm, I said, “If you could be fair here, you could admit that was a lot for anyone to digest. I’m trying to process everything you’ve told me and at the same time be careful in how I respond. I realize that attitude is your normal go-to with people, but I don’t think I deserve to be spoken to like that. I wasn’t staring at you in any way other than complete admiration.”

She made a disagreeing sound and crossed her arms over her chest. Tempting me—more than she realized—to sling her across my lap and spank her ass for the bratty behavior. But I knew I couldn’t use that approach with her just yet.

“How could you possibly admire me, Law? Be serious. I just admitted to all that shit, and you want me to believe that? Come on…”

“Shepperd, listen to me. The stuff that has happened in your life? Those things don’t define you. You were the victim. You didn’t choose those things.” I waited until she locked her deep blue eyes on mine and then continued. “The way you’ve handled these experiences is what makes you who you are. For the most part, I’d say you’ve been incredibly brave and strong to have risen above it all and make the best out of your life. Is there still work to be done? Of course, there is. We are all a work in progress, don’t you think? I mean, really, until the day we die, we work on being better versions of ourselves. The only thing that would make me look at you in any other way than awe would be if you just gave up on yourself and didn’t continue to persevere.”

I realized that was a bit of a lecture, but she needed to hear positive things about herself. The number she was doing on her own self-esteem was hard to battle. And she had years of a head start.

She studied her folded hands in her lap after I let all that fly out. The silence in the room was bigger than either one of us. When she finally looked up to meet my waiting gaze again, she had tears in her eyes.

“Oh, baby…” I started and opened my arms in time to catch her slim body coming my way. She hurled herself into my embrace, and I pulled her into my lap. With my arms banded snuggly around her, I gently rocked her back and forth for a long time. I kissed the top of her head and murmured sweet, reassuring things into the still room. Every once and awhile she’d let out a sniffle or a gulp of air, but mostly we sat there in silence.

“I love holding you like this,” I admitted with my nose buried in her long hair. “You feel so perfect in my arms, I could stay like this forever.”

“Don’t you think they’d miss you at work?” she teased into my neck, and I grinned behind her head.

“Thank you for sharing all of that with me. I’m honored that you feel safe enough with me to tell me about your past,” I said against her crown, and she clutched my body tighter.

“I’m so scared,” she mumbled.

If the room hadn’t been so still, I would’ve thought I’d misunderstood what she’d said.

“Why? I’m right here, baby. No one is going to hurt you as long as I’m around,” I vowed. And those words came out on their own will. It was like my mind and body just reacted to this woman on a wavelength that didn’t involve conscious decision.

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