Page 26 of Saving Shepperd

Gently, as she had such a natural way about her, Maye asked, “Is there cause for their concern? You know they love you. They love us all. I don’t imagine it’s easy being parents. Especially of five spirited, strong-willed young ladies.”

“Are you seriously going to turn on me too?” I blurted and probably should have tempered my response a bit. But the words kept tumbling out if for no other reason than sheer panic that I was losing my only ally in the world.

“I can’t deal with this if that’s the case, Maye. I called you because I need help. I need some advice, and you’re the only person who gets me, you know? But if I have to defend myself to you too, well, fuck it. I’m on my own, I guess.” I gave a careless shrug that was nothing like I truly felt. I cared if my parents were driving a wedge between my twin and me more than anything.

“Calm down.” She stretched across the table to pat my hand, but I pulled mine out of reach.

“Don’t patronize me,” I warned. “Seriously.”

She waited a few moments while I settled down. The woman really knew me better than anyone. “Have you noticed how nothing gets your temper flared the way the mention of self-improvement does?”

Well, that stung. Of course, because it was the truth. But she kept going, completely disregarding the glare I offered in reply to her question.

“What are you so afraid of, Shep? Seriously. Is it letting the people who care about you down? Do you think you’ll end up disappointing them? Or is it that there may be an actual problem that’s gotten out of hand and needs some professional input?”

Her level, careful delivery just pissed me off more.

“I thought you were on my side,” I choked through tears that arrived against every effort I made to hold them at bay.

“This isn’t about taking sides, sister. This is about you being the best version of yourself that you can be. And it’s been very hard on all of us watching you starve yourself for”—she looked heavenward—“God, how long has it been now?”

I sat pouting for several minutes before I could even address this bullshit. I was fighting the urge to just fucking leave with every ounce of energy I had in me. But I had promised myself that behavior strategy was shelved.

“This is complete bullshit. You know that?” I spat her direction. Regardless of the war going on in my head and heart, my temper flared like dry brush. All my good intentions of having a productive, supportive conversation went out the window. Angrily, I swiped the tears from my cheeks and stared at her. “How can you be on their side on this? I’m not starving myself. I eat. Every day. I don’t want to have to defend myself all the time, Maye. Especially to you!”

“I’m sorry, Shep. I’m not trying to attack. I’m really not. And I’m not on their side, as you keep accusing. I will always have your back. Always. But that doesn’t mean I’m not worried about you. I have been for so long, and now that they’ve dropped the bag of crap in the middle of the table here, I thought maybe you’d feel more comfortable dealing with it with me instead of them.”

I shook my head. “I just can’t believe they’d stoop this low. Actually pit you against me like this. It’s their lowest point yet.”

Now she sat forward in her seat and hissed across the table. Her demeanor change was so abrupt, I reared back in my own seat. “Did you not just hear a word I said? I’m on your side. I want to help you. Stop being so fucking childish, Shepperd.”

“Childish?” I uttered with disbelief. And then incredulously repeated the word. “Childish?”

She shrugged in response.

Something in me snapped. “You know what? Fuck this. This family is so fucked up, no one even knows the nightmare they’re living in. We’ve all been lying to ourselves for so long, we believe our own bullshit.”

My twin stared at me, confused, proving my point with precision. No one knew the real problems lurking in each other’s minds and memories. Those secrets that kept us awake at every odd hour of the night. No one knew what we were struggling with in the plain light of day either. We were all so preoccupied with coping with our own demons, we couldn’t tell the difference between reality and fantasy.

Angrily, I shoved my phone into my purse, slung the bag across my body, and left the bar. Maye called after me, but I was in a blind rage at that point. A person would’ve been downright foolish to get in my way in that moment.

Tears clouded my vision as I burst out the front door and onto the night’s street. There were still plenty of people milling around on the sidewalks, making their way to and from their evening destinations. By the time I was behind the wheel of my beat-up car, I could barely catch a full breath. I never would’ve thought my twin would turn on me. Never. We always had each other’s backs. That was the first time in our lives she took their side against me, and the feeling cut straight through to my sad, lonely heart.

I had no one. Absolutely no one. Not one person in my life believed in me enough to stand up for me, and the realization was so painful I actually moaned out loud inside my small car. The physical pain of my emotional despair was just as powerful as an actual wound.

Probably not making the wisest decisions in the moment, I latched my seatbelt, started the car, and squeezed my eyes shut while the engine coughed and sputtered to life. Tears continued to cascade down my cheeks as I put the car into drive and pulled into traffic without as much as a glance over my shoulder.

I didn’t care. See how they’d all like it if I were killed in a traffic accident. That would teach them to betray the ones they were supposed to fight to the death for, wouldn’t it? No satisfaction came from the reckless thoughts, though, because I feared the reality way too much to sit with the imagined scenario for too long.

No one would even notice if I were alive or dead. If anything, they would be glad to get rid of me because it would be one less thing for them to worry about. One less person’s life to try to control.

But where could I go now? There was no way I would go back to my parent’s house. I steadfastly refused to go into some sort of treatment program for a problem I didn’t have. No way.

Obviously, after Maye’s fresh betrayal, her place wasn’t an option. Hannah and Dah didn’t need my bullshit in their happy little love nests either. Even if I could get up the balls to show up on either of their doorsteps, I knew I wouldn’t be welcomed.

Mindlessly, I ended up in the last place I thought I would. I raised my heavy arm to ring the bell, and just like before, Law scared the daylights out of me when hewhooshedthe door open before my finger made contact with the button.

“Shepperd?” he gasped, and I wasn’t sure why he sounded that way. Exhaustion was all over his face and posture, but his tone was directed toward me for sure.

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