Page 52 of Parallel

I close my eyes, desperate to stop my thoughts, and when I open them, he’s rolled to his back and is gazing at the ceiling. “It’s so weird that you know about Ryan. I don’t talk about him to anyone. Even my parents don’t talk about itanymore.”

For some reason, the topic of his brother opens up this chasm inside me.Fear. I don’t want to ask about him, don’t want to know, yet it feels like the monster under the bed: I’m never going to rest easy until I’ve seen what’s there. “How did he die?” Iask.

“He got in a car with this drunk idiot. I still have no idea why he did it. He knew better. But if I’d gone to the party, it never would have happened.” His voice is heavy, quiet withguilt.

“You can’t blame yourself for that,” I saysoftly.

“We were bickering about everything back then—competing,” he says. “I don’t even know what the hell we were competingabout. It’s like adolescence kicked in and suddenly we were at each other’s throats. But anyway, I knew he was making bad decisions, but I was sick of his shit. That’s why I didn’t offer to be designateddriver.”

A memory of some past conversation with him pushes inside my brain. From London, right after we met. His hands on my face, his eyes so earnest.How can I possibly deserve this,he said, when Ryan gotnothing?

A puzzle piece snaps into place somewhere in my brain. I can almost hear it click. “That’s why you’re with Meg,” I whisper. The words surprise me. I’m not even sure I meant to say themaloud.

His eyes flicker toward me, luminous in the moonlight. “What do youmean?”

I barrel on, saying things I have no right to say but in the dark it feels safer for some reason. “I’ve been trying to figure out why you’re with her when you’re obviously not in love with her. And I think it’s because you feel like you don’t deserve more, you don’t deserve to be happy when Ryan can’tbe.”

He’s silent just long enough to leave me wondering if I’ve pissed him off. “Maybe,” he finally says. “So that’s my excuse, but what’s yours? Why don’t you think you deserve more than Jeff? And please don’t bother trying to tell me he’s everything you ever dreamed of. He obviouslyisn’t.”

I guess I brought the question on myself, as much as I dislike it. “Jeff isn’t perfect,” I reply firmly, “but I’m not either. I love him for who he is, and I forgive him for what he’snot.”

“And what is he?” Nick asks. The words echo with scorn, but they shouldn’t, because there’s plenty to love about Jeff. Qualities I’ve given short shrift to ever since Nick came into the picture, which is sounfair.

“He’s a good person. He’s kind to children. He stops to greet every single dog he passes. And he’s tried harder than any person I know to make D.C. work for him no matter how many times it knocks him down.” I could keep going, but I get the feeling there’s nothing I could say that would leave Nick convinced. “I know the two of you were at odds the other day and you seem to think less of him for being at work so much, but you’ve seen him at his worst. We wouldn’t have gotten through my father’s death as well as we did withouthim.”

“My boy scout leader was a good person too,” he growls. “Doesn’t mean I need to marry him. And it’s great if he helped your family but that was what—seven or eight years ago? What’s he done for you since then? Because he seems pretty fucking self-centered from where Istand.”

“He’s not. He gave up what he loved most to follow me to D.C. And he’s stuck it out no matter how hard it’s been, all forme.”

“Give me a break. He followed you because hewantedto. He didn’t give up what he loved most…you’re what he loves most. He did that for himself. Tell him you’re going back to school. Let’s see how selfless he isthen.”

I flip on my back and pull the covers up to my neck. “You’re making all this sound so terrible, but it’s easy to take one aspect of a relationship and make it seem defective. All couples argue and all couples want different things. I’m not going to fault him for having opinions of hisown.”

He presses his eyes shut and when they open, I see an apology there. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I just feel like you should have more thanthat.”

No, I think.I have exactly what I want. Even though I now remember something better. Even though I can feel in my chest what it was like to be in love with Nick, the kind of love that expands inside you until you’re so full it almost hurts. Because a sort of terror consumes me when I imagine having that now. I can’t begin to explain what it is, but as I lie here I know that it’s related, somehow, to Ryan. The mere thought of him makes dread seep into mybones.

“I’m sorry about your brother,” I finally whisper, as I drift off tosleep.

“It was a long time ago,” hereplies.

Except I wasn’t apologizing for his loss. I was apologizing because I think it might have been myfault.

* * *

The Homecoming Committeehas done their best with the whole “Midnight in Paris” theme, but the truth is, a bunch of balloons and drawings of the Eiffel Tower aren’t enough to transform our gymnasium into anything other than…a gymnasium with balloons and handmadedrawings.

“So, this is what I’ve been missing being homeschooled,” I say, taking it all in. Nick and I exchange a smile. “I feel like I don’t even need to go to Europenow.”

Nick laughs and brushes a lock of hair back from my face, his eyes flickering over my mouth with a longing I feel down to my core. “So I don’t need to worry about you taking off for London and leaving me behind anymore,” he says. “Missionaccomplished.”

“You could always come with me,” I suggest. I don’t know why my heart beats so hard as I say the words. We’re talking about something that’s years and years from now. “You could do your residencythere.”

He moves closer, close enough that his mouth is nearly on mine. “We could get an apartment together. But I should probably marry you before any ofthat.”

He has only the ghost of a smile on his face. I have one on mine as well. But our eyes are serious. We phrase these things as jokes, but we mean every word. “Yes, you should probably marryme.”

He releases a tiny huff of air, as if desire is displacing the oxygen in his chest. “God, I want to kiss you rightnow.”

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