Page 36 of Parallel

She rolls toward me. “Which reminds me. I did a little research yesterday morning before I called you. There’s a doctor in New Jersey who might be able to help me stop thedreams.”

Right. The dreams that show her how much better her life should be. I wish I could convince her to pay attention to them, but instead I listen as she describes a study this guy published on repressed memories and sudden tumor onset, some case in which a teenage girl had a seizure and woke up speaking fluentItalian.

I’ve been combing medical journals since the day we met for something,anything, that could help, and have found absolutely nothing—which means any guy she’s found online is probably a crackpot no respectable journal would publish. I lean back in my chair and rub my neck. “Quinn, I’m not trying to dissuade you, but there are a lot of people who try to profit off the misfortunes of others. For every single incurable disease, you’ll find at least one charlatan offering some insane treatment that costs a fortune and makes nosense.”

“He went to Harvard for medical school. That’s got to be worthsomething.”

“It’s probably worth a lot less than you think. Guys like that…they either come up with a bizarre cure or a bizarre supernatural explanation for what they can’tcure.”

She smiles. “Are you ruling supernatural explanationsout?”

“Look, even if I believed in ghosts, or reincarnation, you’re remembering events that took place within the past few years. Besides, you seemed even more certain than me that therewasnoexplanation.”

“I know, but I was thinking something.” She rolls on her back, her gaze on the ceiling. There are water spots there I’ve never seen before, but I don’t think she even notices them. “I realize it sounds crazy, but the tumor gets bigger every time I black out, right? It was tiny, now it’s not. So maybe if I can just figure out why it’s happening, even just part of the reason, I can stop it fromgrowing.”

“Or maybe,” I reply as gently as possible, “it’s the progression of the tumor that’s causing the incidents in the first place. And now you’ve got a tumor that needs treatment. We should be focused on getting you in with an oncologist, not some quack’s insanetheories.”

She blinks rapidly, trying not to cry. “I need this to stop, Nick. I need someone to make it stop. Even if the tumor kills me, the way I find myself thinking and feeling…it has toend.”

“Why?” I ask, harsher than I intended to sound. “Why does it have toend?”

Her eyes are so tortured as they turn toward me it’s hard to meet her gaze. “Because I wake up feeling like everything in London actually happened, and I want it more than I want my real life. Except, my real life is what I have, and I need to be happy withthat.”

No, you don’t. You could be withme.

I picture it: leaving here together. Starting over in a new city where no one knows us. Coming home to her every night and finding her beside me every morning. The thought of it makes me burn with want. What I’d like to do right now is hold her face in the palms of my hands and make a thousand promises I’d never be able to keep. Instead I jump to my feet and begin to pace. I’m angry and upset and being unprofessional and I really don’t care. “I think these dreams are nature’s way of telling you that you are settling for less. Wayless.”

“What I have with Jeff is exactly what I want,” she replies, her voice breaking. “I don’t want to feel more than that about someone. It causes too muchpain.”

I should let this go, because it’s not like I have anything to offer in its place—even if every other obstacle was removed, it’s never going to be okay for me to be with her. But I find myself arguing anyway. “The only other option is to go through your whole life never deeply loving anything atall.”

“I’m okay with that,” she replies. She looks at me for a long moment. “And you seem to betoo.”

18

QUINN

Anurse enters at six a.m., waking us both. We stayed up talking most of the night, and he fell asleep in the fold-out chair beside me. I have no idea how he explained his absence to hisgirlfriend.

“Oh,” says the nurse, trying to master her surprise. “Dr. Reilly…I, uh, didn’t realize you were…inhere.”

Guilt makes me flinch. I’m engaged and I shouldn’t have had a man other than Jeff stay overnight in my room. “Nick’s an old friend,” Iexplain.

“From college,” he adds, but he looks far too guilty to be believed. She raises a brow and, after giving him a look I can only interpret as scolding, leaves theroom.

“I hope you don’t get in trouble,” I breathe when the door shuts behindher.

He gives me a small smile. “As far as I remember, nothing unprofessionaloccurred.”

Just the suggestion that somethingcouldhave happened is enough to have me squeezing my thighstogether.

“But,” he adds, “Jeff will be here soon, so I shouldgo.”

I dread him leaving. It’s greedy of me to want more time with him, but I want it anyway.And I absolutely need to stop wanting it. “Thank you for stayingover.”

His fingers brush mine and his eyes shut. “If you’re still planning to go see that doctor in New Jersey, I’ll go withyou.”

I shake my head. “You don’t need to dothat.”

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