Page 75 of No One But Us

I don’t need to look at James to know he didn’t appreciate the mention of Ryan in that context. I can feel him beside me, coiled like aspring.

“I wasn’t basing it on personal experience,” I reply. “Haven’t you ever watchedDateline? They’re always going into hotel rooms with ablacklight.”

“From what your suitemates said about you and Ryan, I wouldn’t want to take a blacklight to your dorm either.” Ginnycackles.

James’ eyes look black in the moonlight. I watch that muscle tick in his jaw and can’t think of a single thing I can say to fixthis.

He stands. “I’m going for arun.”

“Arun?” asks Ginny. “It’s the middle of thenight.”

He says nothing and won’t even glance at me as he goes, but I feel a small knot of dread in my stomach, and I resent its presence. I haven’t done anything wrong, and he wouldn’t have to hear about my ex-boyfriend if he wasn’t so ashamed to be with me in the firstplace.

He runs for over an hour. I feel the upper windows shake when he closes the front door, and I slip from the room, grateful that our guests are gone and Ginny falls asleep soquickly.

He’s doesn’t look surprised to find me sitting on the edge of his bed when he emerges from the shower. But he doesn’t necessarily look happy to find me thereeither.

“You can’t blame me for that,” I sayquietly.

His jaw grinds. “I know. But I just don’t need to hear thatshit.”

“You know, you wouldn’t have to hear that shit if we told them what’s goingon.”

He walks to the foot of the bed in nothing but a towel. “I don’t want to talk about this rightnow.”

“Do you want me toleave?”

“No,” he says, dropping the towel. “I just don’t want totalk.”

He pushes me on my back, his movements rougher than normal. He moves over my skin, claiming me again and again with fingers and tongue and teeth, something urgent and desperate drivinghim.

He cries my name out when he comes, something pained and regretful in that single syllable. His mouth is buried in the crook of my neck. “God, Elle,” he says, the words muffled by my skin. “I fucking love...” He stops himself, for a mere second that feels much longer than that while I wait. “This,” heconcludes.

He wasn’t going to say he loved me. I know he wasn’t. But I can’t seem to stop wanting things from him that he’s already sworn he can’tgive.

Chapter 45

JAMES

I waketo discover that my father called three times during last night’s shift. I call him back, feeling mostlydread.

“Your mom isn’t doing well,” he tellsme.

I sigh. Nothing about this news surprises me, but I guess I was hoping for a miracle. “In whatway?”

“She’s barely eaten since you announced you’re quitting law school. All the progress she’s made just disappearedovernight.”

I feel that familiar wash of guilt, but I’m angry too. Elle was right. I know my mother is sick, but there’s also something manipulative about all of this. How many of our decisions over the past five years have been made to keep her well? It’s the reason my dad stayed. It’s the reason I went to undergrad nearby. It’s the reason I stayed at the internship last summer, and why I stayed in law school as long as I did. Is there anything shehasn’tgotten her way about since my dad camehome?

“I can’t base every major life decision on whether or not it’s going to upset her, Dad. And it’s bullshit for you to suggestit.”

“No, what’s bullshit is that you can be so cavalier about the woman who raised you,” he explodes. “If she winds up back in the hospital, one year of school will seem like a small price topay.”

“I’m cavalier?! You’re the one who started all this shit! You and Kelly Evans. So stop trying to make what you did my burden andGinny’s.”

“Look, I don’t know what Elle told youbut—”

“Elle hasn’t told me a fucking thing. But you justdid.”

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