Page 98 of Drowning Erin

* * *

By the timeI got to the apartment, the police had already kicked in the door and pulled Gabi out of the bathtub. When I came in, she was lying there on our floor, covered in blood, and in that moment I wanted nothing more than for her to bealive.

Now I wish she hadn’tbeen.

There’s not a day that goes by when I don’t think of her parents. What it must be like for them to see their brilliant, beautiful daughter—the one who once biked 50 miles a day, the one who was going to medical school—and know she no longer recognizes them, can’t even feedherself.

That’s why, when her mother calls at night, screaming at me, telling me I killed their child, I don’targue.

How can I? I didn’t put Gabi in that tub, and I didn’t cut her wrists. But that doesn’t make me innocent. If she hadn’t met me, it never would havehappened.

67

Erin

Present

“She wasunder the water too long,” he says, and right then I think I know the story’s outcome. I can’t even imagine that a worse ending is possible, but itis.

His sympathy lies with Gabi’s parents, but mine lies with him, dealing with that guilt day-in and day-out.

“If I thought I could be with someone again, it would be you,” he says. “Before you got together with Rob, even while I was with Gabi, it was always you I wanted. It’s never stopped being you. But Ican’t.”

Because he thinks of what happened to Gabi as something hedid, which means he’s capable of doing it again. He had a reputation for messing with girls’ heads before he ever left for Italy. To him, what happened with her was just the culmination of a pattern that had long been in play. So he decided to make sure the patternended.

“Brendan, I’m not her. Surely you see now how unstable she was? The things she did even before you broke up with her—that wasn’t the behavior of a rationalperson.”

“Maybe, but I had a hand in it. I’ve caused problems like thatbefore.”

“Gabi made her own choices. You did the best you could, what was right for you. If what happened to my dad isn’t my fault, by that same logic this can’t be your faulteither.”

He listens. For a single, hopeful moment there is something in his eyes that makes me think I might have convinced him. But then it vanishes, replaced by pain and a grim sort of certainty. I don’t know what it will take for him to believe he isn’t at fault. I just know that I don’t haveit.

* * *

When I wakethe next morning, I realize two things simultaneously: my father is dying, and Brendan will really never be mine. He’ll never be anyone’s. What he said last night soothed my sense of rejection—and finally sorted out his behavior for me a little—but it doesn’t changeanything.

"Do I have makeup everywhere?" I ask as I lift myself off of hischest.

He smiles. "I'm pretty sure you cried it all off yesterday. I like you better without itanyway."

The way he’s looking at me hurts. I’ve seen that look before, and I made it mean so much. But just because he looks at me like that doesn’t mean he loves me. It doesn’t mean anything. Or maybe it does, but it won’t make a difference in theend.

I take a quick shower and check my phone when I get out. There are multiple texts, including three from Rob, who somehow heard about my dad. He was boarding a flight home when he texted and will be here thisafternoon.

I should be relieved that he’s coming, because Rob is competent in ways other people are not. If there’s anything my parents need, he will find a way to get it. Whether my father lives or dies, he will know what to do. But I’m not relieved at all, because when he arrives, Brendan willleave.

When I get downstairs, Brendan hands me a travel mug. "I looked for coffee, but I could only find instant," hesays.

"My dad likes instant better," I reply, suddenly finding it hard tospeak.

There are so many stupid, trivial things about the people we love. Things you never care about until they’re gone. And then all those things—the sound of a heavy tread at the side door, instant coffee, creaky knees heading upstairs—become things you miss, when they’re things you never knew you loved in the firstplace.

As we drive to the hospital, Brendan asks if Sean is on the way, and my whole body sags. I woke feeling like I was capable of handling this, and now I remember why I’m not. My brother is missing, and I can’t give my dying father a single thing hewants.

"I can't find him. His phone's beendisconnected."

"Hey," he says, turning my face to look at him. "It's going to be all right, okay? You worry about your dad, and I'll take care ofSean.”

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