Page 28 of Drowning Erin

“If it lasts for 30 minutes I’ll be shocked,” I assurehim.

He suggests ordering Thai. I’m not sure if I agree because I’m craving it or if I’m simply stunned by Brendan’s 180-degree turn. I’d forgotten he could even be like this—pleasant, sweet, thoughtful. I’d forgotten he was like this most of the time, to everyone but me. And that on one occasion—many years ago—he was like this with metoo.

When the food arrives, he spreads it all out on the coffee table, sliding the red curry chicken over tome.

“It’s so good,” I groan as I take my firstbite.

For a fraction of a moment, something shifts in his face—his gaze hazy, his lips parting. And then it’sgone.

For lack of any other neutral topic, I ask him about his tour business. Because his friend Caleb invested, he tells me, he now has enough capital to run heli-skiing tours over the winter to keep the business afloat. He has an actual business plan, cost and profit projections. He certainly doesn’t sound like the lovable ne’er-do-well Rob always made him out to be. No wonder he was so defensive when Rob criticized hisapproach.

“So that’s me,” Brendan says. “But what aboutyou?”

“What about me?” I ask, pushing the chicken around on myplate.

“You need a life,Erin.”

“I have a life.” I sigh. “It’s just onhold.”

“Having Rob’s life isn’t the same as having your own,” he says, his face earnest. “And you seemed to be doing pretty well before he ever came into the picture. Where’d that girlgo?”

I shrug. “People grow up, Brendan. Was I going to keep mountain biking and snowboarding into my70s?”

“Possibly. I see people older than that doing both. But more to the point, you’re not 70. You’re 26. And you’ve given up everything you used to love. I’d be depressed as fuck too if I was coming home to some big, empty house every night with nothing to look forward to but more of a job Ihate.”

For some reason the words make my eyes pinch. It’s one thing to think you’re in a temporary bad spot; it’s another thing entirely to have someone sum up for you just how bleak every waking moment of your day is. I don’t want to cry in front of him again, but I think it’s inevitable. I close my eyes and bury my face in myhands.

“Aw, babe.” He sighs. “I didn’t mean to make you cry. Comehere.”

When I don’t move, I find myself pulled into his chest, my body half lying on the couch and half lying onhim.

“Erin,” he whispers, his breath against my hair. “Don’t cry, hon. I’m sorry. I was being adick.”

“No,” I whisper. “You were just being honest. And you’reright.”

For a single moment further I allow myself this—Brendan’s warmth and his firm chest beneath my head and the smell of him, like soap and sand and clean air—before I pullaway.

I laugh. “I think I’ve cried more in front of you than I’ve ever cried in front ofRob.”

“Yeah,” he grouses, “because he has no idea what makes you sad. He doesn’t even know youaresad.”

“Blah, blah, blah. Yes, you’ve made your thoughts on thatknown.”

“So what are you going to do aboutit?”

I shrug. “Just wait it out, I guess. I mean, I could throw myself into stuff now, but I’d just have to give it all up when he comes home. Nothing I like is going to fit with our life. Rob works long hours. If we don’t have to go to dinner with clients, he wants to stayin.”

“So let Rob stay in by himself,” says Brendan. “Let him go to the client dinners by himself. ‘Let there be spaces in your togetherness’. Isn’t that thequote?”

“Holy shit, did Brendan Langstrom, the biggest whore in the state, the man who hates relationships, just quote Kahlil Gibran tome?”

“Those who can’t do, teach,” he says with a sheepish smile. “But seriously. You’re allowed to have things you love. You’re allowed to have space for yourself in this thing. You need it. Otherwise, you lose who you were in the first place. Come biking with me this weekend. Let’s figure out what youlove.”

I contemplate this while Brendan goes to grab the Cherry Garcia and a spoon. As he returns, he shovels an enormous amount into hismouth.

"That's so classy." Ilaugh.

He grins, eyes crinkling at the sides, and hands the container to me. He pulls his fleece off over his head, and I catch a glimpse of tan stomach, abs that curve in perfectly symmetrical hills andvalleys.

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