Page 24 of Drowning Erin

He’s quiet for a moment. “You’re right,” he admits. “I’m sorry.” His eyes close, as if this sudden burst of honesty has exhausted him. “Why are you dragging your feet,Erin?”

“Who says I’m dragging myfeet?”

“Everyone. Everyone alive thinks you’re dragging your feet. I’m not judging you. I just want to knowwhy.”

I shouldn’t answer. He just accused me of being a gold digger, and he’s definitely not on my side here. It’s insane to hand him more information about anything. But I appreciate his apology, and he’s also the only person who knows about my dad outside of my family. I guess I just want one other person alive know how Ifeel.

“It’s mostly my dad. He’ll drink at the ceremony, even if I ask him not to, and my mother will make an ass of herself trying to cover it up. And he’ll drink at everything leading up to it—any party, the rehearsal dinner. There are so many things that can go wrong, and I’m just…tired.” My voice catches a little, as if grief accompanies therealization.

Iamtired. I’msotired of those calls at night and the worry and the sense that I have to be on my guard every moment of the day to keep the world from falling in on usall.

I clear my throat. “It feels like too much rightnow.”

He gives me that careful, assessing look I’ve seen far too often. I sometimes get the sense that he hears ten extra words for every one I speak, drawing my secrets from me without myconsent.

“And you’ve never told Rob any ofthis.”

I sigh. “No. He won’t understand. He won’t respect it. He won’t respect that my father has so little self-control. He won’t understand why I coddle him by going toDenver.”

“You spend so much time hiding shit from him,” Brendan says. “Wouldn’t it just be better to let him know who youare?”

His voice is gentle. It doesn’t sound like an accusation, yet it is one, and I can’t even blame him for it. His best friend is about to marry the biggest liar who everlived.

“If I don’t like who I am and what my family is, Brendan, how can I expect Rob to like thosethings?”

“You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of,” he insists. “And you shouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t feel the sameway.”

It almost sounds like he’s defending me, as if he thinks Rob’s the one in error, when obviously Rob can’t be because he knows none of this. I don’t getit.

“Olivia thinks that’s why you haven’t planned the wedding—because you know something’s wrong,” headds.

“I can’t believe Olivia is discussing this withyou,” Isay.

“She’sworried.”

“Yeah, so worried that she told the guy who doesn’t want Rob to marry me all about it. That’s extremelyhelpful.”

The corner of his mouth tips upward. “She hates me slightly less than you do, so she’s not inclined to think theworst.”

“I don’t hateyou.”

“You just pretend to,” he says softly, holding myeye.

He’s being serious, and there’s something in his tone that draws goose bumps to the surface of my skin. The moment he says it, I know he’s right. I am pretending. I have beenforever.

“It’s too warm. I’m done,” I say, jumping to my feet. I glance up to find that he is not smirking, but staring at me as the water slides over myskin.

He looks away, and I’m out of the tub when I hear himspeak.

“Don’t worry, Erin. I’m just pretending to hate youtoo.”

18

Brendan

Four YearsEarlier

Although I’m stayingon to lead tours in the fall, most of the staff takes off at the end of the summer—either because they’re returning to school or because they’ve acquired a real job. Erin, who got a full-time offer out of her internship, is amongthem.

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