Page 20 of Drowning Erin

“Thank him for what?” sheasks.

Fuck. I’m so tired it didn’t even occur to me that she’dask.

Tell her, says a voice in my head.Brendan will tell her eventuallyanyway.

I’m not sure where that voice comes from, but I know it’s wrong. Brendan won’t tell her. He won’t tell anyone, and I’m struck once more by the odd discomfort of knowing I’ve been maligning someone for years, perhaps without cause, and a big piece of me wants to keep doingit.

“Just stuff around thehouse.”

“You know what he’d love? Those coconut almond bars you make. Every time you ever made them for me, he decimated them. The last time he visited us, he took the entire container, thebastard.”

“He must not have known I madethem.”

She clucks her tongue. “Of course he did. I know you don’t believe me, Erin, but he doesn’t hateyou.”

“Oh yeah? Then why has he gone out of his way to convince Rob to break up with me? He thinks I’m not good enough forhim.”

“Has it ever occurred to you that maybe he thinks Rob’s not good enough foryou?”

“No.”

“Well, maybe itshould.”

I ignore her. Olivia thinks this way because she doesn’t care for Rob. Becauseshethinks he’s not good enough. What she doesn’t know is that Brendan has irrefutable proof that the opposite is true. And he seems to be getting more proof everyday.

I make the bars for Brendan, struggling to remember why I ever stopped baking as I do it. Even as sleep-deprived as I am, baking fills me with a sort of contentment I haven’t felt in a long time. I leave them in a box outside Brendan’s door, feeling oddly satisfied—a sensation that lasts only until I tell Rob aboutit.

“Why’d you do that?” heasks.

“O-oh,” I stammer. “I made them for Brendan. He’s…been helpingout.”

“Sugar, fat, and flour. The white menace,” says Rob. “You’re sure you aren’t just trying to killhim?”

I’ve heard Rob’s spiel about this before. I’d like to say it’s never annoyed me until now, but I think it has. This gnawing irritation with him feels far too familiar. I think it might be why I stoppedbaking.

“You just dismantled a company and laid off 30 percent of its work force, but I’m the bad guy for making someone dessert?” Isnap.

“Jesus, Erin. It was just ajoke.”

Except it’s not really a joke if he meant it, and he sort of meantit.

I fall asleep wondering why I gave up what I loved so easily. In order to keep the peace, I think I gave up a lot of things. I’m pretty sure Rob cannot claim to have done thesame.

15

Erin

Present

“I’m worried about you,”says Harper, hopping onto my file cabinet. “When’s the last time you gotlaid?”

I laugh and shake my head. “That’s not as big a deal for everyone as it is foryou.”

“Come out with me this weekend,” shesays.

She’s suggested this many times in the past, but I’ve almost always said no. I love Harper, but Harper loves lots of people, and she will choose one to love about ten minutes after we’ve paid our cover and bought our firstbeers.

And I’d say no this time too, except I feel like I’m not capable of staying in to watch any more TV. I can’t stay in, period. I’m pretty sure I’m one step away from dressing Mr. Tibbles up in a miniature North Face pullover and taking him out to dinner withme.

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