Page 76 of Waking Olivia

We sit in silence for a moment and I reach for the remote. “So where did Olivia go exactly?” my mother asks.

I don’t want to think about Olivia right now. I don’t want to think about how enraged I got the moment Jessica spoke against her, or how empty this week will be without her. I turn on the TV, flipping aimlessly through the sports channels.

“To Erin’s,” I reply.

“Where does Erin live?” my mom asks.

“Why?” I ask, a little sourly. “You planning a rescue mission?”

“No,” my mother snaps. “I’m just curious.”

I try to remember where Erin calls home. Most of the girls are from Colorado, but for some reason, it seems like she was not. Her parents flew in for that meet they attended. They wouldn’t have flown in if they were in-state. And they’d had a layover in Chicago.

New Jersey.

Shit.

I hear my mother saying something, but I’m already out the door.

52

Olivia

Ilost.

It’s been nearly three days since the meet and that’s pretty much the only phrase I’ve uttered the entire time. I let them all down, but Will most of all. For him to have gotten us into regionals during only his second year of coaching –thatwould have meant something, and I took it away from him. I took it away from Nicole, who’s graduating this year. And what’s worse is I allowed it to happen. This wasn’t me after a long run. This was me fresh, ready. If I’d given it any thought whatsoever, I’d have known I was going out too fast. But I was anxious and angry and bitter and a little too eager to leave those feelings behind me.

Idid this.

A lot of the girls have called or texted to make sure I’m okay, which just makes me feel worse. How can they be so nice to me when I just ruined this for all of them?

I’ve run almost 30 miles since this weekend’s meet and it hasn’t gotten rid of this feeling in the pit of my stomach. Guilt. I hurt everyone, destroyed everything: the girls on the team, our chance of going to regionals, and canceling on Dorothy at the last minute just because I was upset at Will.

I look at how badly I’ve messed up in the last few years: attacking Mark, losing my scholarship, and everything that happened this weekend.

My great-aunt once said that I was the reason my grandmother got sick. I hated her for saying it, I still hate her for saying it, but right now even that seems like the truth.

I’m so usedto my isolation that I nearly jump out of my skin when someone starts banging on my door Tuesday night.

“You lied,” Will says, storming into my apartment. “You fucking lied to me. You’re not going home with Erin.”

I put my hands on my hips and attempt to look bored. “Fine, I lied, you caught me,” I reply blandly. “So what?”

“So why did you do it? You lied toallof us!” He walks an angry path through my apartment, back and forth, building up steam.

“It was a lie,” I say coldly. “I lie all the time. I think we’ve already established that.”

“Why would you treat me that way? Treat my mother that way?”

“I’m not a charity case, Will. Your family doesn’t have to take me in for every holiday. Consider yourselves off the hook.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” he demands. “Wewantedyou to come.”

“Bullshit,” I hiss. “Youpersonallycouldn’t have made it clearer that you wanted to be away from me. And I’m guessing that losing the meet on Sunday only makes that more true. So yeah, I lied. Sue me.”

His jaw opens and he stares at me. “God, I want to shake you sometimes.”

“Go for it.” I shrug. “I’ve lived through worse.”

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