Page 69 of Waking Olivia

My groan breaks the silence and the spell, forces my brain to begin working again, and I open my eyes to see just how far I’ve taken things: she’s on her back and I’m nearly on top of her, my hands at her waist, fingers beginning to slide beneath her tank.Fuck. She’s still sound asleep and I’m on the verge of … I don’t know what. I don’twantto know.

I scramble away and go sit on the couch, feeling sick with guilt, but not so guilty that I don’t want to go right back in there and do it all again.

I’ve dreamed about what just happened. You’re supposed to be grateful when you get the things you dream about, but I’m not. Because now that I’ve had a small taste of how it would be with her, I’m going to go through my entire life also knowing what I gave up.

48

Olivia

“You’rea total space cadet today,” Erin laughs over breakfast.

“She’s excited for her date withEvan,” teases Hannah, and they all laugh. “Even the unfazeable Finn is getting swoony over a guy.” I roll my eyes and let them believe they’re right. And I guess they are, in part.

It’s just the wrong guy.

I kissed Will last night, and it was the kind of kiss that has had me running a finger over my lips all morning, trying to recapture it, relive it, ever since.

I woke up last night. His arms were wrapped around me, shielding me from the outside, and I knew we’d been like this before. It felt familiar. And it wasn’t enough. I wanted more from him, and so, still half asleep, I took it.

His mouth was as soft and pliant as I’d imagined and, to my surprise, he gave into it. A tiny, low moan from his throat, his arms tightening, pulling me closer, kissing me like it was something he’d wanted for a long, long time. Rolling me to my back, moving over me … and then freezing up and pulling away as if I were on fire.

It wasn’t a good kiss.

It was an amazing, life-altering kiss. The kind I will remember every time I’m with someone else. The kind I’ll still be thinking about when I’m 80 and this is so far behind me I shouldn’t recall any of it. I’m pretty sure I’d take a lifetime of that kiss over almost anything else.

Will barely spoke to me this morning. Wouldn’t even look at me. And it doesn’t matter because now I know, whether or not he’ll admit it, that some part of him wants this too.

Evan picks me up and, being a gentleman, he only makes a few references to how unbelievably shitty my neighborhood is. “It’s not all bad,” he says. “I bet you don’t have to walk far to find meth.”

He drives us out of the city and toward the mountains, and we wind up at a tiny shack that serves the best barbeque I’ve ever eaten in my life. There’s a porch in back and a small stream weaves its way right through the center. I didn’t want to come tonight, and I’m still not sure I want to date him, but it’s okay.

“So is this better than eating ramen noodles alone?” he asks.

“I don’t know,” I reply. “Are we talking shrimp flavor or the spicy chicken?”

“Admit it, you’re having fun.”

“Fine. I’m having fun.”

“And you’ll go out with me again.”

“We’ll see.”

“Awesome,” he says, leaning toward me. “Then I lied before, when I first asked you out. I am gonna try to kiss you.“

It’s a good kiss, just like it’s been a good date. And it still can’t hold a candle to last night’s kiss with Will.

49

Will

“It feelslike something is missing without her here,” my mother says that afternoon. “The house feels empty.”

I don’t need to ask who she means. This house was my refuge and now it lacks something. “I’d never have imaginedhermaking anything better,” I reply.

“Will,” my mother says gently, “sometimes it’s best to admit things to yourself, instead of pretending they aren’t there.”

“You want me to admit I like her? Fine, I admit it. Do I like her in a way I shouldn’t? Yes, I think I have since the day I met her. There. It’s all out in the open and it doesn’t feel better in any way.”

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