Page 26 of Waking Olivia

"Don't start treating me differently. Don't act like I'm fragile."

"I'm not."

"Bullshit, Will. You're in a crappy mood today and God knows when you're in a crappy mood I'm the first person you bust on, but you aren't saying a word to me. I'm not fragile. Nothing that you've seen is new for me."

"You're normally crying about how hard I am on you,” he sighs. “I can't win, can I?"

“A, I don't cry, and B, I like Asshole Will. He's a known commodity."

"If I'm such a known commodity,” he says, his mouth lifting on one side, “you'd know not to refer to me as 'Asshole Will.’”

I walk away, wanting to laugh and yet feeling unsettled. I know how to be angry at him, but I don’t know how to feelthis.Or even what, exactly,thisis.

After the warm-ups, Peter comes down to the track with the men’s team following him. They’ll do their time trial first. I wish it were us. My stomach plummeted the moment he walked down here, and it’s going to remain swimming and nervous until this is done.

"You're pale," says Erin. "You can't be nervous, you’re the fastest girl here. You're the only one who shouldn't be nervous."

"Things go wrong." My voice is tense, and for some reason even talking seems to rock the uneasy thing in my stomach and make it feel less stable.

"I can't believe I'm saying this, because you sure don't seem to think a lot of things through, but you need to think less."

I scowl at her.

"I'm serious. Let your mind go blank. Say it with me.” She crosses her legs and puts her hands in the lotus position. "Ommmm."

"Please shut up, Erin."

"That's super un-Buddhist of you."

"You know what else is un-Buddhist?" I warn. "Punching someone in the face. So stop talking." Erin doesn't tend to get scared off by me the way she should, and I doubt I've scared her now, but she does, for once, stop yammering.

Will motions us down from the bleachers, looking oddly anxious given that he just has to stand there looking pretty. It’s not until we’re lined up and I catch his quick glance that I realize he's anxious forme. I hate that. I don't want anyone hoping things for me. It's bad enough when I only disappoint myself.

The gun goes off and I stop thinking. My mind stops running and my body takes over, pulling me through as if directed by some outside entity. This is my meditation. This is how I let my mind go blank.

My legs pump and I feel that rasp in my chest that warns me I've gone out too fast and I don't care. I ignore it because I want this. I want this more than I've ever wanted anything. I want to show Will that I am worth his effort. In five weeks’ time, in his own abrasive way, he's done more for me than anyone I've ever known.

I see him standing by the bleachers, watching, and I don't look around me. I don't even look at the finish line. I pass it, and I am first, and the whole time he is the only thing I see.

21

Will

She was brilliant.

She was absolutely fucking brilliant today.

And the truth is I’m not surprised. I need to get out to my mom's, but seeing Olivia's performance today has given me tunnel vision. I want to solve this for her. I want her to become the person she's capable of being. I realize it's naïve. Her family has probably spent the last decade trying to fix it, so there's no reason to think I'll be any more successful, but I have to at least try.

I pull up her student records again. Will she be pissed that I've called her parents? Undoubtedly. Do I give a shit? Not really. The nightmares have to stop. I think about her in that neighborhood in the middle of the night, not even awake, and I feel sick. It's just a matter of time until she gets hurt.

But there are no parents listed anywhere in the file, no home address, and the only contact I can find is a grandmother somewhere in Florida. Why are her parents not listed? No aunts, no uncles, no siblings? The more I try to solve the mystery of Olivia Finnegan, the more mysterious she becomes.

Resignedly, I dial her grandmother's number. The chipper voice on the other end informs me that I've reached Sunset Springs Assisted Living. For a moment, I think I’ve dialed wrong.

I ask for her grandmother by name.

"Are you a family member?" the woman asks.

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