Page 85 of Desolation

His hand clasps over mine on his chest. “I don’t think anyone wants to see this scarred heart, Mar.”

I look up into his sorrowful eyes. “I do.”

He pulls me into him. My head resting on his chest. Listening to his heart as it beats erratically in his chest. His lips press against the top of my head and I can feel the walls come down just slightly. I can feel him willing to give in. To let me listen to his truth.

“One truth, Landon.”

He sighs before scooping me up and carrying me back to the bedroom, avoiding the mess on the floor. He sits against his headboard and I curl up against him, threading my fingers through his.

“We had been in the desert for six months. Pretty much fucking around on base. We rarely ever went into the town we were surveilling because nothing was happening. I met this young hot girl. A medic who just arrived. She was a distraction from the boredom. It was nothing serious but she thought it was. I broke it off with her but she wasn’t happy. We got into a huge argument. She went to my commander and I got into a lot of trouble. I was going to be sent back to base in Germany but then activity started happening in the town we were surveilling. The team needed me. My CO needed my expertise. So instead of being sent away, I got sent into the field. But she was on my mind, a distraction I didn’t need. And I thought I saw her in the town. Before everything fell apart, I swore I saw her. But it wasn’t her. That one second distraction changed everything.

“I heard the gunshots before I saw the enemy. One grazed my arm from behind me. Sam was ahead of me so I grabbed him and pulled us to the side of a building but I wasn’t fast enough and he got hit in the back. It was an ambush. We were set up. Bombs started going off and Sam took a hard hit to his head from the debris. I got hit too. My head was gushing blood but I didn’t care because I knew I had to get Sam out of the line of fire.

“We had to hide out for hours in an abandoned building while the ambush happened. I knew Sam was in bad shape. The bullet cut through his gear. His breathing was labored and I was sure he punctured a lung. I had managed to slow the bleeding. We were in that hot, dirty building for eleven hours. He was in and out of consciousness the whole time. When we finally got to base, the doctors weren’t sure he was going to make it. He went too long without enough oxygen. He lost too much blood.

“He was in a hospital in Germany for two weeks before we got shipped home. I never left his side. I fucked up. He had my back so many times and the one time I should have had his, I didn’t.”

My heart breaks as I hear the anguish in his voice. I squeeze his hand as he shudders. “It was an accident.”

“I know.”

“You aren’t to blame.”

“If I wasn’t distracted, I might have seen the signs something was wrong beforehand.”

“You don’t know that.” I turn to face him, my fingers tracing the shadow on his jaw, the one he always has cleanly shaven. “You don’t know that anything could have been different. It could have been you.”

“It should have been me,” he grits.

“Then Sam would be just like you, blaming himself. But neither of you are to blame.”

He snorts and shakes his head. “Tell that to his widow. She took it out on me day in and day out. Yelling, beating on me. And I let her. I let her take her pain out on me.”

“She was losing her husband.”

“Aubrey was pregnant. Sam found out while we were overseas. He was so sad because it was their first child and he didn’t get to spend that time with her. Doctors appointments, building a nursery. I used to hear them on the phone late at night, joking about awful baby names.”

He sniffles and wipes a tear from his eye. “Sam was going to leave the Navy when we got back. His life as a SEAL was too dangerous. He wanted a family with the love of his life.

“He was in a coma for a month. The doctor’s hoped that he would wake up. Nothing changed. But Aubrey sat there every day telling him stories, talking about the baby, crying. I was there too. I should have noticed she was withering away. But I turned to alcohol. I was drunk all the time. I couldn’t stop the guilt. Then Sam died. Aubrey went into labor when it happened. The doctors guess from the stress. She wasn’t due for six more weeks. The baby was stillborn. I had failed to notice Aubrey wasn’t taking care of herself. Wasn’t eating. Wasn’t drinking. She was a walking corpse after that.”

I can’t hold back the tears anymore as I listen to Landon’s story. I understand why he keeps everything under lock and key. If he lets someone in, he’s afraid he will lose them too. It’s no wonder he kept pushing me away.

I grip his hand tighter as he continues. “Aubrey blamed me for everything she lost. Her husband, her child. She was a ghost of a woman. And I believed all the vile things she said to me. So I turned into a monster. A raging alcoholic like my mom. I knew that I would end up like her and it was only a matter of time. I started getting into fights. I punched my fist through a wall on base. I destroyed shit. I finally was discharged after I broke one of my brother’s arms.”

“You don’t drink anymore though?” I ask since I have never seen him have one drink.

“It was a wakeup call when I got discharged. Luckily, they gave me an honorable discharge because of the integrity of my service. They knew the way I acted was because I needed help. They tried to help too but it’s too hard to talk about it. I can’t let anyone try to tell me my pain is a coping mechanism and whatever bullshit therapists spew. I stopped drinking. I cleaned up my act.”

“But you’ve let it stew inside of you.”

He nods and my chest clenches from the pain written all over his face. I shift and straddle his legs, cupping his face. “You are a good man, Landon. You shouldn’t blame yourself for accidents and the mistakes of others. But I know that’s what people do. It’s what I do. And I am not going to sit here and lecture you on therapy and meds. You just need to know that deep inside of you is a good man. You just need to let him live.”

Tears crest Landon’s eyes and I wipe them away. He wraps me in his arms, pulling me down so we can lay next to each other. “You aren’t going to run away?”

I shake my head. “I would never run away from you.”

He presses his lips to mine and I get lost in the emotion pouring from the kiss. I feel myself falling for this man. This beautifully, broken man.

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