Page 58 of Desolation

Mari

Asshole stood me up.

I knew I was a fool for even thinking about messing around with him.

I’m technically a married woman for Christ’s sake. I should not be getting my panties in a twist over some young boy who thinks he is hot shit and has the cockiness to match.

Although, I would be lying to myself if I said he wasn’t hot. The man is sex on a stick.

I don’t know why I thought this was a good idea. I should be focusing on my life right now. Not my sexual needs. I am smarter than this. Who cares that he made me forget about my problems when I spent time with him. Or that he seemed to actually care what was bugging me when I started to show a little bit of myself. Or the fact that I know his cocky attitude is just a cover up for whatever is breaking him on the inside. I’ve only seen it in bits and pieces but I know it’s there.

I am a fool. I even went as far as calling my lawyer today and having him check on the divorce papers that are sitting in Michael’s hands. I don’t care what it will do to his career or how he takes it out on me. I am strong and fierce and I can fight him back with everything I have.

Funny how a few weeks by myself made me remember the woman I used to be. The feisty girl who didn’t take shit from anyone. I guess when you get shoved into the corner so many times you forget who you are. You forget your roots, your dreams, your desires. You become content sitting like a puppet on a shelf, doing the bidding of everyone around.

But Landon woke something in me. It’s crazy to think spending a few random days with someone can clear your mind and make you see clearly for the first time in years but it happened.

Of course now I am sitting here wallowing in self-pity as I sip on a dirty martini at a shitty chain restaurant’s bar.

Landon and I planned on meeting here for dinner. We agreed it wasn’t a date, just two friends enjoying a meal together. Although we both knew whatever happened after isn’t something friends would normally do. But that independent woman that was starting to break free from the confines of my soul didn’t care.

So I came to this mediocre restaurant and sat at the bar waiting for Landon. I was on my second martini when he texted me that he had to cancel. I didn’t respond because I didn’t trust myself to curse at him.

Instead of going home to mope around I decided a few cocktails were a better option. But now that I am four and a half martinis and a handful of cocktail nuts in, I am beginning to think it wasn’t the best decision.

My vision blurs as I look at my phone and order an Uber. At least I hope that’s what I’m doing. I close my tab and down a glass of water before wobbling outside to wait for my ride.

I look down at myself, laughing as I mumble, “Mari, eres una perra loca.”Crazy bitch.

I even dressed up for Landon tonight. I used my stash of cash to go to Nordstrom and buy a fancy cocktail dress and a pair of heels. I wanted him to think I was sexy. Because I wasn’t sure if he thought I was after I told him I had kids. Maybe that’s why he stood me up. He realized I was an old haggard woman with too much baggage and stretch marks.

I can feel tears in my eyes and I curse myself for being weak. Wasn’t I having a conversation with myself an hour ago about being a strong independent woman? Like, move over Beyonce, Mariela Waters is here to take on the world.

What a joke.

My Uber pulls up and I slide into the backseat. I rest my head against the window for the twenty-minute drive home. I watch the lights of the city pass me by and a longing for the lights of Boston hits me straight in the gut.

What am I doing here?

What am I trying to prove?

Maybe I should have just told Michael everything that was going on. Maybe he knew and that’s why he had that file. Maybe he was trying to help me not hurt me.

Mostly, I think I am just longing for my kids. I’ve never been away from them for this long and I feel like a horrible mother. I abandoned my children to fix my life. That’s not what I should have done. It’s not what my own mother did. She stayed married to my father for years to protect us. It wasn’t until Pa finally went to jail for good that she was able to let herself be free.

Maybe I should be more like her and hold on to hope that one day I could be free from the clutches of my husband too.

Except no one knows. Dax is the only one that knows about Michael’s indiscretions. And that’s all I’ve told him. I haven’t let him in on the fact that I feel like I am drowning with my husband. Like my head is being held underwater, my lungs holding on to the little bit of breath I have left. I’m so close to drowning and not a single person knows.

I bite back a sob as my feelings take over, I blame the alcohol but even that feels like it’s wearing off.

Before I know it, the driver is pulling up to Dax’s driveway. I thank him as I get out. I go through the gate and make my way to the path along the side of the house that leads to the guesthouse but change my mind at the last minute.

I’m already halfway to being drunk, I might as well get the rest of the way there. Hopefully Dax is home and will join me. He was always a great listener back in college and I know he is the same now. Hell, he let me stay in his house when I showed up with a thousand pounds of baggage.

I stumble through the front door and down the hallway ready to fling these damn heels off when I hear two voices in the main room.

I come to a halt when I see Landon sitting at the kitchen island, a pile of papers in front of him.

---