Page 131 of Desolation

I come back here every Sunday at sunset. I want to still give him the time that was always his. I bring him his special iced tea and talk to him about my life. I tell him all the things I wish he could have seen and I tell him about my new chess partner in the beach league, who is nowhere near as good at cheating as he was.

I rest my hand on his gravestone when I hear footsteps behind me.

“I was told I might find you here.”

A million emotions hit me all at once at the sound of her voice. But the one I feel the most is regret. And not because I regret breaking us apart. Because I know it was still the right decision to make. And I still vow to hold to that decision.

You are steel and iron. I tell myself to stay strong.

“Mariela,” I say, not turning around to look at her.

“I’m sorry about Henry. Wendy told me he passed.”

“He gets to be with his wife.”

“I wish I was there for you, Landon. I wish you had someone with you when you lost him.”

I clench my fist. “The people that were supposed to be there, were there.”

“I haven’t seen you around at the VA hospital.”

“I don’t go anymore,” I grind out.

“They miss you.”

I turn toward her and the sight of her nearly steals my breath away. She’s back in the clothes she wore when she was here. Not the business suits she had on in Boston. She has on a black crop top and worn-in jeans. Her hair is blowing in the wind and I can make out large hoops hanging from her ears.

“What are you doing here, Mariela?”

She sits next to me even though I didn’t invite her to. “I thought you could use a friend.”

“I have one right here,” I say gesturing to the gravestone.

“They told me he died a month ago today.”

I stand up, pissed off because she is taking away my time with Henry. “What do you want, Mar?”

Her eyes light up a bit when I use her nickname. It’s funny how I used to think she was my sea, the one that helped me stay centered. But all I see now is her dragging me down, not bringing me up.

“It’s been a year, Landon. I thought… I thought things might be different.”

“Different how?”

She puts her hand on my forearm and I ignore the sparks I feel. “Different for us.”

“You chose him.” And that comes down to the root of it all.

“I didn’t choose him, Landon. I never did. You know that. I was choosing my girls. I had to make a choice for their safety.”

“Well, I am glad it all worked out. You get a nice chunk of change from the divorce?” I don’t mean to sound so cold. Hell, I was the one that broke her heart. But I know now that I can’t have her in my life. I stand up and take a step away from her.

“Are you really going to act this way?” she asks as she stands too.

“What we had was fun while it lasted. But I don’t love you.”

She steps away from me. “So that’s really how this is going to go. The tide isn’t going to bring us together. You are just going to let yourself be lost at sea.”

“No. I was lost at sea when I was with you.” I pause letting that sink in. “I was caught up in a relationship with someone who wasn’t mine. I was dragging myself through the depths of the ocean and you were my escape. But I know that is not what I needed. I didn’t need you to fix me. I had to do that on my own.”

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