Page 47 of Desolation

I thought about the man I am married to. The one who has me backed into a corner. Maybe I kissed Landon because I was thinking of all the times Michael wronged me and I wanted to know what it felt like. To be the one in the wrong. If it was the thrill that made Michael cheat on me.

Or maybe I kissed him because I truly wanted to. I wanted to know what that cocky man’s lips felt like on mine. The way his strong hands would feel on my skin. And when his rough fingers caressed the tiniest sliver of my back I knew I would have let those hands roam all over my entire body.

I close my eyes forcing myself to forget the fantasy building in my mind. The one where I didn’t pull away, where I let him keep kissing me. The one in my mind where I let him take me home and do things to my body I’ve only read about in books.

The chime of an email on the laptop Dax gave me to use makes me blink my eyes open, my fantasy fading away quickly. I grab the laptop off the chair next to me and see an email from my CFO.

I spend the rest of the day working diligently, answering emails and reaching out to a few companies to act as sponsors for my foundation. As well as adding any finishing touches to the gala that’s in a month.

I feel less guilty about being out here now that I can work. It’s much easier to pretend I am here for work when I am actually working. And Rebecca appreciates the help.

The sun starts to set and I close my computer and watch the sky change colors. The beauty of the sunset calming me, opening my mind. Letting it drift into another fantasy. This one of me, living the dream I told Landon about. The one I had since I was a little girl. Moving to California, pursuing my dream, and spending my days in the water studying the migration patterns of whales. I guess deep down it’s something I still want to do. But I made a decision after the lies my father told me to pursue business. To make a difference. To do something that wasn’t illegal like the rest of my family business.

I worked so hard to get into Harvard. To be the best. It’s why I started a foundation helping lower class families afford college. To give the kids who want to make a difference the chance to. I know that if I didn’t find out the truth about my father, my life would probably have been similar to the lies I told Landon.

I breathe in the salty air as I look out over the ocean. I picture a different life. A life where I feel happy. One where I don’t have to look over my shoulder, one where I don’t have to worry about a husband and his motives, one where I am not a mess of lies.

I can picture Makayla and Olivia running around on the beach, building sandcastles, collecting seashells. I can see myself with a small house somewhere on the coast where it’s quiet and peaceful, where the world seems smaller, more serene.

I pull my knees to my chest and rest my head against them as I imagine the life I might have lived had I chosen a different path.

* * *

I drive up the coastline after not being able to stay in Dax’s house any longer. He recommended a beach further up the coast. One that was less crowded and not full of tourists.

I let the salty breeze blow my hair behind me as I drive Dax’s prized Jaguar. He probably won’t be happy if he found out I took it. But there is something about driving the coastline of California in a convertible.

I find a parking spot and make my way down to the beach. This one is much less crowded than those in La Jolla. I find a spot not far from the water and lay a towel down before stripping off my shorts and tank. I slather an oil-based sunscreen on my skin so it sucks up most of the warm rays before I lay on my stomach and open my book.

I wake up and realize I dozed off. I check my phone and see it’s after six. Most of the beach crowd has left to probably grab dinner. I yawn, stretching. My skin feels hot and tight from the sun so I head down to the water to cool off.

I float on my back and watch the clouds float above me, darker clouds making their way toward the beach. I look over to the coast and see a hunk of a man running back and forth through the sand, doing endurance drills to perfect his already perfect physique.

I can’t help but stare at his perfectly bronzed skin. The way his calf and thigh muscles flex with each drill he does in the sand. He’s shirtless and even from here I can make out the ridges and indents of a very defined set of abs. I lick my lips as I watch him. Another fantasy that won’t come true.

I look at my fingers that are starting to prune and make my way back to the shore. I trudge out of the water and to my towel when the hot specimen of a man I was drooling over earlier, runs into me as he runs backward through the sand.

“Oof,” I say as I nearly fall into the sand but his arm catches my waist just in time. “Thank you…” I pause when my eyes reach those of the man whose arms are still around me. “Landon.”

“I thought you left,” he says to me.

Fuck.

That’s another one of my lies. The amount I have are enough to drown me more than the ocean could. But I didn’t think I would see him again. There’s how many million people in Southern California? What’s the chance I would run into him? Especially when I didn’t plan to leave Dax’s sanctuary.

He lets go of me and takes a step back. The heat I felt from his body disappearing as a cool breeze picks up causing goosebumps along my wet skin. “Wow. I’m really that bad of a kisser.”

“Landon,” I say as I reach toward him.

He shakes his head and takes a few more steps backward. “Marianne, just stop. I can’t do this. This push and pull from you. It’s messing with my already fucked up head.”

My heart breaks a little as I look at him. He looks defeated. Bags under his eyes I’ve never seen before. He’s standoffish. And I know it’s my fault. “Landon, if you just let me explain.”

He snorts at that. “Let you explain? Explain what, exactly? That you’re sorry? You shouldn’t have kissed me? Shouldn’t have—”

“You kissed me!” I yell at him.

“You kissed me back,” he interjects.

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