Page 7 of The Fate of Us

“Will do. So what’s your plan now? I am assuming you’re here.”

“Yeah. I am going to drive the coastline tomorrow. See if I find the cottage she told me about.” I bite my lip as I recall our conversation for the hundredth time. “If it is around here, it shouldn’t be too hard to find a lime green cottage.”

“Lime green, you say?”

I nod even though he can’t see me. “She told me she used to go to this tiny cottage on the coastline to relax and rejuvenate her mind. Hell, it could be in Georgia for all I know. Or torn down. I just need to find her. I need to make sure she is okay.”

I hear him whispering in the background before he gets back on the phone. “My wife is a real estate agent. She might know of the place.”

“Really?” I ask.

“Yeah. Do you have any more of a description?”

I tell him about the pink shutters and any detail I can remember Anna telling me.

“I’ll call you in the morning. She might know of the place.”

“Thank you.”

“But I am still being cautious on this whole situation. Mind if I follow you just for her wellbeing?”

I chuckle into the phone. “I wouldn’t be a good cop if I told you I mind.”

4

Anna

I sipmy coffee on the porch of my great-aunt’s cottage as I watch the waves roll in. I haven’t been here in over seven years and I forgot how peaceful it was. The taste of salt in the air, the steady beat of the ocean waves, the smell of sunshine keeping me warm even when it’s barely fifty degrees.

I came here in anger. To yell at the void. Find some way to roll the wrath off my body when I found out Becca’s secret. But the letter Jed gave me made me let it all go. It gave me the peace I didn’t know I was looking for. That letter felt like the most honest thing Kyle had told me in years. I didn’t know I needed it so badly to move on. To realize the last seven years of mourning was all a waste. I finally saw the real Kyle, the one he kept under lock and key, the hidden secrets behind my back. The person I never would have loved if I knew the truth.

I grab the letter out of the pocket of the oversized cardigan I have on. My aunt knitted me one every summer I came here and I always thought they were hideous. But as the years passed, I found comfort in her knitting, comfort in her words, the knowledge she passed down to me every year I came here to visit. I wish she was here now. Still alive to give me the advice I never knew I needed.

And I don’t need it about Kyle. I need it about Noah. My feelings for him are all-consuming and reckless and maybe coming too quickly. Falling for him was like being struck by lightning. So sudden and intense it leaves me breathless.

I never thought I needed someone like him. I never thought I could move on from my past. And now I am scared I am making the wrong decision. Is being with him the right one? Now that I have finally come to terms with Kyle’s mistakes and indiscretions, should I be looking for more happiness in myself? Or do I already have it and being with Noah is letting me truly be free of the past?

I glance down at the letter I’ve read a hundred times since I got here two days ago. I take a deep breath, clutching the rings around my neck, before I read it again.

Anna May,

I don’t know how many times I told you I was sorry tonight but I want you to know I really am. Fuck, I fucked all this up. Our life, our future. But mostly you. You trusted me with every ounce of your soul and I tossed that trust in the trash. All the times I came up with excuses, I should have told you the truth. I should have told you I wasn’t worthy of you.

You, Anna, you are the perfect being. You are beautiful and talented. You have a presence to you I have never found in anyone else. When we first started playing music, I knew what we had was special. I knew you were special. It’s when I first started to fall for you. The fifteen years of friendship we had before that never opened my eyes to the tenacious, incredible woman you are. I always told you I wished I realized it sooner. You always told me we would have dated in third grade and broke up by fourth. Maybe you were right.

I never should have done what I did to you. And every plate you threw at me tonight I deserved. I am selfish and unworthy. I broke the one thing I promised to you and that was forever. I don’t think you’ll ever believe how much I was looking forward to marrying you. I still want to. God, I love you so much. I know it’s hard to believe me when I told you earlier I cheated on you but it’s the truth. I thought once we were married I would put the past behind me. Focus on you. That is what I wrote in my vows, at least.

But maybe that’s a lie too. Maybe I won’t stay faithful to you but I will try so hard. I didn’t tell you about all the girls. I felt like an asshole telling you earlier. But if I have any chance to still walk down that aisle with you next week, I want you to know the entire truth.

I got a little bit of the taste of the rock star life when we started playing bigger and bigger shows. You were busy packing up the van with the rest of the guys. I was talking to fans. You always said I was better at it than you were. The first time I cheated was with one of those fans. She gave me a blow job in the bathroom. Later that night I fucked you, still on a high from that blow job and you had no idea what I did. It gave me a high. Made me addicted to the thrill of cheating. It’s not an excuse. I know that now. And I don’t want to tell you there were lots of girls but there were. Each one of them a one-time deal. You were the one I wanted to come home to every night.

It wasn’t until the last girl I thought maybe we weren’t meant for each other. Because she wasn’t a one-time thing. She was what I could get when you were too busy. I never meant to fall for her. I never meant to get her pregnant. And I know if you still marry me next week, that is one thing you need to know. I was too chickenshit to tell you face to face. But I can’t deny the fact, I can’t pretend it’s not mine. I also need you to know who it is. She can be manipulative. Hell, I think she manipulated me into this entire relationship. You need to know that I will choose you, baby. I will always choose you. I love you more than I can say. You know how much I love you.

Becca has never meant to me what you mean to me. Even when I thought she did. I was wrong. I know that now more than ever. I went to her house tonight to break it off. Because seeing that look on your face when I left broke me in a way I didn’t know I needed. I needed to feel what it was like to lose you, to know I needed you. Because I do need you, baby. I need you so bad. We aren’t us if we aren’t together. Isn’t that what you always say?

I know you don’t want to see me tonight. That’s why I am leaving this in the house for you. I’ll be at a hotel. But I hope you find this before you go to sleep. Hope you realize it’s you and me, baby, if you can forgive me for all my indiscretions.

I love you. I need you. I want you to be my wife.

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