Page 60 of The Fate of Us

I look around my half of the duplex. Fortunately, I still had a week to move out and could hide out here after whatever the hell happened this morning happened.

I grab the few things I have left here. A bottle of wine, a lone plant on the kitchen windowsill, and a notebook I found in a kitchen drawer. I leave my key in an envelope on the counter and make my way over to Noah’s house.

Strange that one conversation led me to think of his place as his and not ours.

I sniffle and hold back the tears.

I run upstairs and start shoving things into my bag, not really caring if I have any complete outfits.

Funny how things change. This morning we were celebrating our love, showing each other how much we love the other, and now I feel like it was all a train wreck.

I’m not sure what’s going to happen between us and I don’t know what I even want.

My heart is telling me Noah. That it’s simple. I need him in my life.

But my head knows it can’t go down this path again. Can’t be led astray by a man who might not want me completely.

And what is going to happen when I leave for two weeks. Is he going to find comfort in his ex-wife? Or will he be counting down the days until I return?

I bring my poorly packed suitcase downstairs and put it by the door. I head back inside and into my new music room. The one that has brought me so much life. I run my fingers over the records on the wall. Feel the softness of the plants hanging from the ceiling, draping off the walls. I look out into the slowly descending night, the stars not quite visible yet.

Will I be able to come back to this place? This new sanctuary Noah helped create for me.

The heaviness in my chest becomes unbearable so I head outside and watch the sky. I watch the sun slowly fade as the night turns black. The stars finally peeking out behind the clouds. I ask them for answers, for a truth I can’t find in myself. But they don’t respond as the tears fall silently from my cheeks.

I wake up as the smell of cedar and juniper infiltrates my nose, as I feel the warmth of a body against me. My eyes flutter open to find Noah carrying me inside. He doesn’t say a word. And I don’t need him to. Because being in his arms has given me the most clarity I have felt all day.

He quickly strips both of us of our clothes and follows me into bed. He presses a chaste kiss to my forehead before wrapping me in his arms, holding me tight, clinging to me as if I’m his lifeline.

He must think I fell asleep because he starts whispering all the words I need to hear in my ear. That he needs me, loves me, would be lost without me. I let him speak all his secrets into my hair as I feel his tears fall onto my shoulder.

* * *

I wakeup the next day still wrapped in Noah’s arms. I have no idea how long he cried onto my shoulder. His tears comforted me for some unknown reason as I let myself fall asleep to the cadence of his voice.

I stir and his arms wrap tighter around me. I flip over and face him. His eyes swollen and red and I am not sure he slept at all. I run my thumbs along his lashes and press a kiss to each eye. I move to his lips, coaxing them open, yearning for the feeling he gives me when he kisses me.

One swipe of my tongue is enough for his daze to turn into a burning need. He flips me onto my back, his mouth attacking mine. Trying to prove to me how much he needs me.

But I feel a sadness in his kisses as well. As if he is holding back a secret.

I pull away from him and sit up. “We need to talk.”

“I know.” His voice cracks. And I know from those two words my heart will crack too.

I climb out of bed and take a quick shower. I don’t have much time before I have to leave. I hold back tears as I think about how our morning should have been. Us tangled in sheets, me running late because we can’t get enough of each other before I leave. Tears being cried over not seeing each other for two weeks after months of spending every day together, not because our world was torn apart yesterday.

Now I am crying because I am afraid. I am afraid that what he says may be the final words to make me leave this place for good. Leave him for good.

When I walk out of the bathroom, dressed and ready to leave, I find Noah sitting on the side of the bed. His face buried in his hands. My warrior of a man looking defeated and broken.

I walk over to him and place my hands on his shoulders, rubbing the tension out of them, giving him the freedom to tell me what ever he has to say that I know will end us.

“She kissed me,” he whispers as he looks up at me.

My heart seizes at the words. I don’t want to ask the next question but I need to. “And did you kiss her back?”

I can tell from his inability to keep eye contact with me that he did. The loss I was expecting to feel turns to rage as I step away from him. I try to gather my thoughts but the fire in my veins burns too hot. “All of this, Noah,” I say as I gesture around the room. “Everything we built you just ruined with a kiss. God, how can I be so stupid to think that you were over her. That you could love me with every part of your heart. I’m an idiot. I can’t do this again.”

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