Page 116 of Forgotten Pieces

He walks away and I think about his words. He is right. I am healing. And I do belong here despite all my fears, I have never felt more comfortable behind a microphone than I do here.

* * *

I walk through my front door and set my bag on the kitchen counter. I open a bottle of wine and grab my phone as I head outside to sit under the stars and lights of my little oasis.

I have a missed call from an unknown number and I immediately freeze. There is only one person who I know would call me from a blocked number.

I see the icon on the top of the phone that says I have a voicemail.

I bite my lip, scared of what it could say. Because if it isn’t from him it could be his superior telling me news I don’t want to hear.

I stare at my phone for ten minutes, my wine untouched on the table next to me. My anxiety is through the roof. My heart breaking more with each second that passes. I almost want to leave the voicemail alone, unheard, so I don’t need to know what news is waiting for me.

But the suspense is too much. I grab my wine and take a long sip as I hit listen.

“Birdie…” He pauses and just that one word is enough to make the tears come. I haven’t let myself hear his voice for six months, yet one word nearly tears me apart. Before I was able to forget about him completely, for eight years I was able to survive without his voice but now things have changed. That one word, those two syllables, rips all the seams apart I spent so long working on trying to stitch my heart back together.

“…I—I’ve kept my distance from you like you asked. And it killed me every damn day not to pick up my phone and call you. I know I hurt you, I ripped your world apart. I never wanted to, believe me that is the last thing I wanted to do. And I know if you look deep into your soul you know I am speaking the truth. I love you, T. With every single thread of my being. I never should have chosen Shelley over you, no matter what was going on. You are everything that I need in this world. And I am a fool for giving you up so easily.” He pauses and I force myself to not hang up the phone. I’m a wreck. Every part of me torn apart from his words. These are the last words I want to hear from him. And the only words I want to hear.

“I’m going into a dark zone, T. I can’t tell you where but it might be a mission like before. I don’t know what’s going to happen.” I hear him sigh before he starts speaking again. “I was hoping to hear your voice, just once. You keep the ghosts away and I need that now more than anything.”

I gasp as I try to keep the tears in. It feels like my life is falling through the cracks, every wall I tried to build, every heartbreak I tried to forget all come crashing down at this very second.

“I love you, Tacoma. I love you more than I’ll ever be able to put into words. I—I told you once our story wasn’t finished. And I pray to God every day now that it isn’t. But even if I don’t make it through this, I want you to know, our story was my favorite. Our story was the happily ever after we both should have gotten.”

My phone lets me know it’s the end of the message and asks me to save or delete. I do neither. I replay that message over and over for more than an hour before I finally break down so much I have no tears left to cry.

It takes everything in me to walk back in the house.

It takes all my strength to dig through my drawer.

It takes what’s left of my shattered heart to put on his USMC shirt.

But I do. And I let all my walls crash around me as I cry myself to sleep. Not because I miss Ryder but because that small bit of hope I was holding on to that we would see each other again, crashes to the ground.

Chapter Forty

One Month Later

Tacoma

I stare at my phone as the time passes slowly on my day shift.

“Have you heard anything?” Charlie asks me.

I look at her confused but when she nods toward my phone, I notice I’ve been staring at a picture of Ryder and I for who knows how long. We look so happy in the picture. Two people without a care in the world. I took it last fall when Ryder and I were playing house. Looking back, it seems like such a simple time, even though we both knew it wasn’t.

“If something happened, I am sure someone would have told you.”

“Mmhmm,” is all I can say. Because I am not sure if anyone would tell me. No one knows about that call Ryder left me before the mission besides Charlie. No one at home has any idea what either of us is going through. Maybe it’s for the best. Maybe I shouldn’t know. Maybe I should delete that voicemail and let the memory fade like I have been trying to do with all the rest.

Later that night I pour my heart into my set at the club. I let the ghosts of our pasts find their way into my music.

I get a standing ovation.

I also find a peace I never felt before.

Maybe this is me finally letting Ryder go.

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