Page 19 of Too Many Beds

“Is that what you want?”

My head snapped back to Jasper, and I frowned. When was the last time anybody had asked me what I wanted? I couldn’t remember. My entire life had always been about doing what was needed. As a kid, I did whatever I had to do to survive. As an adult, I did whatever the boss said, usually without a word of thanks, all while assholes like Laurent got promoted out from under me. I joined the Fortiers because I wasn’t suited for regular life, and I killed people because I was good at it.

But had I wanted to do those things? Guess the thought never occurred to me. It especially hadn’t occurred to me to ask myself what I wanted to do now that I was free of that life, but it should have.

Once we started a new life, I couldn’t be Lazy Lee the mafia hitman anymore. I’d have to become someone else, someone who washed dishes and paid his taxes and took out the trash after dinner. Someone… domestic. I’d always thought I’d be opposed to that shit, but now that I was thinking about it, it sounded kinda nice.

Except whenever I imagined doing those things, I didn’t imagine myself alone. I saw Jasper there with me. Maybe that was because he was always with me, following me around like a little lost lamb, or maybe it was because there was no one else left.

Or maybe, just maybe, there was a different reason. One I hadn’t let myself consider until that moment. Maybe it was because I wanted him with me.

“What doyouwant?” I asked.

Jasper pressed his lips together in thought and fidgeted with his thumbs. “I don’t know.”

My heart sank for some reason. What was I expecting? Some heartfelt confession of undying love? God, why was my brain getting all sappy? I must’ve been more tired than I thought.

“Well, maybe we’d better sleep on it.” I put my cigarette out. “You can sleep in here if you want. Better than bed surfing through the motel, especially when we’ve got to get back on the road in a few hours.”

“Yeah, ok,” he said, though his voice sounded strained.

I reached over and turned off the light. Fabric rustled and blankets shifted in the dark as we both climbed into our respective beds. The air conditioner kicked on again, buzzing loudly and throwing more musty air into the stale room.

I laid on my back in the unfamiliar bed, my hands folded over my bare chest. The storm raged on outside, the wind and rain battering the thin walls and rattling the cheap glass in the windows. Lightning flashed, illuminating the room beforeplunging it back into darkness. Thunder grumbled, the deep bass vibrating the motel down to its foundations.

In the tense darkness, I stared up at the water-stained popcorn ceiling, acutely aware of Jasper's presence just a few feet away. I listened to the anxious cadence of Jasper's breathing, the creak of his mattress springs as he shifted restlessly under the worn polyester comforter.

I tried to force my tense muscles to uncoil, but Jasper's words buzzed around in my mind.

The air felt thick, the charged silence broken only by the angry grumbling of the storm and the sputtering of the ancient air conditioner as it fought a losing battle against the sultry heat. Sweat dampened my skin, plastering my hair to my forehead. The faint hint of Jasper's clean, masculine scent cut through the lingering scent of ozone and stale cigarette smoke in the air.

I thought about Jasper, about the wide vulnerability in his eyes behind those rain-flecked glasses. All these years, had Jasper been secretly pining for me? Was that the real reason he’d been following me around like a lovesick puppy?

I didn’t think anyone had ever wanted me. Not like that, anyway. Sure, there were girls I paid for it, and maybe one or two guys that nobody knew about, but that was just messing around. Scratching an itch. It didn’t mean anything. I didn’t fuck them because they wanted me. They’d have spread for anybody. I was just convenient and so were they. That was how it’d worked.

But Jasper… Jasper was different. He was sweet and kind and too damn good for the life of crime that’d sucked him in. The Fortiers had chewed up his good soul and spat him back out like trash, and he fucking deserved better.

Better than me. That was for damn sure.

Yet there he was, right next to me, a breath away from saying he wanted me. Why would he say that if it wasn’t true? I’d neverknown Jasper to be a liar. So it must’ve been true. I didn’t know why, didn’t care to, but the thought made my insides warm.

I turned my head and looked over at him. It was too dark to see, but I tried to picture him all curled up over there. Alone. Scared. It made me want to get up and go to him, curl my body around his and hold him tight. Maybe he deserved better, but maybe better couldn’t protect him like I could. My heart was dark, my soul made of oil and fire. He’d need someone like that if the Fortiers ever showed up.

I wanted to be there for him. With him. Not just figuratively, either.

I let myself entertain the idea of us living in hiding, being domestic with each other, doing things normal people did. I bet Jasper would make a damn fine husband. Bet he could cook and clean and all that shit. Fuck, I bet he was even the type who liked to kiss and cuddle when he fucked. Maybe that’d be nice. I’d never had that.

Maybe I wanted it, but only with Jasper. Jasper was special. He was the only person whose touch didn’t feel like fucking sandpaper, the only person I wanted to touch and let touch me in return. I’d imagined holding hands with him a hundred times, and then felt stupid afterward.

But when I was alone in the dark and it was just me and my fucked-up brain, he was the only real person I let myself think about being with. His were the only lips I wanted to taste, his sighs the only ones I wanted to hear because they’d fucking mean something. I couldn’t imagine it’d ever be just empty sex with him because Jasper was good. He was noble and sweet, and I couldn’t corrupt that, no matter how much I wanted to.

So that left me in a weird position. I wanted him, and he wanted me, but if I indulged even a little, I might just fucking ruin him.

Jasper

Icouldn’t breathe. Lee was right next to me, and I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to tell him the truth so badly, but I’d choked at the last second. He probably thought I was a loser because I hadn’t been with a woman, but I didn’t want anywomen. I only wanted Lee, and it’d been that way ever since I saw him on that corner. He was the reason I got involved with the Fortiers in the first place, to be close to him.

And yet there I was again, so close, yet so far away from where I wanted to be. I was such a fucking coward.

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