Page 17 of Too Many Beds

There were times when it almost felt like he might feel the same way, but…

Well, it was an unspoken rule that was enforced with deadly efficiency. There were no queers in the Fortier family business.

But I’d never seen him with anyone else. Lee never had girls hanging off his arm, didn’t have a wife or girlfriend. Theman was like a priest, completely in love with the job and the accompanying lifestyle.

I couldn’t believe he’d walked away from it with me. I kept waiting for him to disappear. Maybe he’d take me to the border and go back, pretend like he didn’t know where I’d went, but he promised he wouldn’t. Acted like leaving was his idea, and that me murdering Laurent was just a happy accident that meant he didn’t have to travel alone.

In my mind, we might as well have been Thelma and Louise, and this was our last ride. I couldn’t fathom escaping the Fortiers’ vengeance, but if I was going to die, I wanted to do it beside Lee, and I wanted him to know how I felt. I just hadn’t worked up the courage to tell him yet.

Tonight could be that night. It might be the only chance I got.

But instead of going to knock on his door to tell him how I felt, I’d just been going from room to room, bed to empty bed, hoping to quiet the demons in my head.

I got up and went to the bathroom, leaning over the sink. A little water on my face didn’t make me feel any better, or help the burning in my eyes. I grabbed my glasses and slid them on, wincing when I saw my bloodshot eyes in the mirror. I needed to shave, and I kept meaning to switch over to contacts instead of glasses, so I didn’t look so much like an antsy nerd. I didn’t look at all like a mobster.

Maybe that was a good thing. At least, it would be in my new life.

My new life. My fingers tightened around the sink and I stared at the water circling the drain. I didn’t want to go to Canada. I didn’t want to change my name or reinvent myself, or to disappear into a mundane fucking life where nothing I did mattered. I sure as hell didn’t want to do it alone, which was what was going to happen if I didn’t march down there and talk to Lee.

Unless he didn’t feel the same way. Then he might slam the door in my face and tell me to fuck off. He might break my fucking heart tonight.

But wouldn’t that be better than never knowing?

Before I could stop myself, I was putting on my shoes for the third time that night. I yanked open the door and was immediately hit with wailing wind and rain. Maybe that was a sign I should stay in my room. If it was, I ignored it.

When I started down the covered walkway to Lee’s room, I was sure of what I wanted to say and how I’d say it. I was even feeling confident when I knocked on his door. But when the door cracked open, and I saw him standing there in nothing but his boxers and his hair mussed from sleep, my brain went blank. All I wanted to do was fall on my knees in the rain like some fucking drama queen and confess that I worshipped the ground he walked on. I always had. I’d do anything to be with him if he’d just tell me what to do.

But I didn’t do anything. I just stood there, shivering in the rain like a fucking tool.

“What is it, Jasper?” Lee asked. His raspy voice made my cock twitch.

Down, boy.

“I…”Go on, you coward. Tell him. Tell him he means everything to you.I swallowed. “I can’t sleep. There are too many beds in my room.”

Oh my fucking god. What a stupid fucking thing to say! Take it back, Jasper. Right now! Before he?—

Lee rubbed his face and sighed. “I know the feeling,” he said and threw the door wide open. “Get in here before you catch your death out there.”

Lee

Ispun the wheel on my lighter. Flame sparked. I held it to the end of my cigarette and inhaled while Jasper sat on the opposite bed, one knee bouncing. The bathroom sink dripped steadily. Outside, there was thunder and lightning, but inside, it was too quiet in my room.

I didn’t know what to say to Jasper to make him feel better, but I knew I ought to say something, so I offered him a cigarette even though I knew he didn’t smoke.

He shook his head.

I sighed and lowered the pack of cigarettes before tossing it onto the nightstand. “Did you try the other bed in the room?”

“Yeah, and a couple more besides.”

I arched an eyebrow at Jasper, who blushed and squirmed under my gaze.

“I been in three different rooms tonight,” he explained. “Can’t sleep in a one of ‘em, Lee.”

I grunted and smoked in silence for a little while before asking, “Is it the storm or what?”

I knew full well what it was that haunted Jasper. It was the image of Laurent lying there on the factory floor in a pool of his own blood. Jasper wasn’t made for killing. He was too soft for it. Some of the guys acted like that was a bad thing, but I didn’t think so. The organization needed soft men like Jasper. It kept us human, kept us humble. Jasper reminded me I was a man, not a monster.

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