Page 60 of Protecting Bianca

He reached over the console for my hand and this time, I didn’t move away. He wrapped his hand over mine and rubbed my knuckles with his thumb. The caress soothed my nerves, and his words appeased my ego, but I hated that he had kept this from me.

With his free hand, he smoothed out the crease between my brows. “I see it in your eyes. You’re still angry with me.”

“I can’t help it. I don’t get why you waited to tell me.”

“I know. I’m so fucking mad at myself. If I had said something right away, we wouldn’t be here, and I wouldn’t be terrified that you’re going to shut me out again.”

I looked up, puzzled. “Again?”

He licked his lips and closed his eyes. “I’m sorry I brought it up, but I can feel a wall between us now and I don’t know what to do to tear it down. I’m scared.”

“Bring what up? I’m so confused, Jager.”

“I understand why you did it, why you never responded to my note. I was an asshole when I told you we needed some space. I’d only said it because I’d got into a fight with River that day and he told me it was either you or him. I didn’t know how to deal with that ultimatum, so I pushed you away. I wrote you a letter the night of the raid. I told my mother to give it to you. Wait…” He narrowed his eyes. “You never got it?”

My brain struggled to remember where I was the night Jager was arrested. I’d been at a friend’s house, crying that I thought it was over between us. “I was at Jamie’s house. But River was home. He would have given me the note.”

“Would he?” Then he dropped his head into his hands. “Fuck.”

His eyes were red when he turned to me. “You never read my note?”

Pain crossed his features, his eyes watered, and my throat seized. Unable to speak, I merely shook my head.

“Motherfu--” he rubbed his face again. “I can’t believe he would do that.”

I panicked. I didn’t want to believe it, either. “There must be some mistake. Maybe your mother forgot to give it to him. A lot happened that night. She must have had a lot on her mind and that note most likely didn’t seem important to her.”

His face remained hard. My words bounced off of him, unaffected. He shook his head. “No. She knew it was important.”

I grabbed his hand and forced him to look at me. “What did the note say?”

He turned away and tilted his face toward the windshield. I waited with my heart in his hands, anticipating that his next words would change everything.

“It said—” he cleared his throat and inhaled deeply. Then he grabbed my hand and squeezed. “It said I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I chose him, even for a day. I’m sorry I was too weak to stand up for us and lose him if it meant gaining you. I’m sorry that I hurt you, made you doubt me, and doubt yourself. I’m sorry that I wasn’t the person you thought I was. I disappointed you and myself. And if you could ever forgive me, I would spend the rest of my life proving to you that I am worthy of your love.”

Tears rushed to my eyes, and then a sob wrecked through my body. I couldn’t control myself. I strongly reacted to the words I could never have hoped to hear or imagined he would ever say to me. All those years of wondering what I’d done, if I hadn’t been enough, or if I’d said something wrong…

Jager reached across and pulled me into his arms. I wrapped my arms around his neck and cried like a baby. I released every emotion I’d held for so long, all the insecurities and self-doubt.

“I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” I whispered. River was to blame.

“But it is. I was the one that fucked up.”

I pulled away to look him in the eye. “Yeah, but you tried to fix it. You tried.” Overcome with emotion again, I pulled him closer and squeezed. I’d just realized how much pain he must have been through, thinking I’d ignored his heartfelt apology. I had dismissed him and his love even when he ultimately chose me.

“Oh God, Jager. I’m sorry, too.”

He caressed my hair. “What the hell do you have to be sorry about?”

“That you had to go through that. That you went through the arrest and detainment thinking that I’d abandoned you.”

“Shit,” he said, and pressed the palm of his hands to his eyes. “I didn’t care about being alone. I just knew that I’d lost you forever, and I couldn’t live with that.”

I kissed his cheek and his temple.

“I wrote you a second letter. One more attempt.”

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