Page 107 of Protecting Bianca

“Why not?”

“I wanted to be alone when I did.”

He nodded, and then remained quiet the entire way back to his place. After he opened the door and let me in, I turned to him. “Is everything alright with you?”

“Yeah. Yeah, of course.”

I took off my coat, and he hung it in his closet. “I guess I’m just nervous.”

“About what?”

“If the letter is good enough. I was only twenty and not very good at expressing myself. What if it won’t measure up?”

“I never gave it another thought other than I wished I had read it.”

He nodded. “Well, you better get to it. I’ll wait here in the dining room.”

Jager walked away, and despite my desire to follow him, I turned and went into the bedroom. I sat on the black satin comforter and opened his letter:

Dear Bumblebee,

I’ve been a jerk, I know. By the time you read this whole letter, you’ll think I'm an even bigger jerk.

I’ve been distant these past few days because I’ve been struggling with a decision. I thought I was being loyal to a friend, but I realized not being with you would be my biggest regret in life.

I’m sorry that I chose him for even a day. I’m sorry I was too weak to stand up for us and lose him if it meant gaining you. I’m sorry that I ever hurt you, made you doubt me, and doubt yourself. I’m sorry that I wasn’t the person you thought I was. I disappointed you and myself. And if you could ever forgiveme, I would spend the rest of my life proving to you that I am worthy of your love.

I would be with you now, but I’ve made a big mistake. I’ve gotten into some trouble and I don’t know when I’ll be back home. I know I shouldn’t ask this of you, but if you feel the same way… wait for me. I will come back to you, I promise. If you want me, there’s nothing that will keep me from you. Here’s the address where they’ll be keeping me. If you still love me after all of this, write to me. I know I don’t deserve you, but I hope in time I’ll prove that I do.

Yours forever,

Jager

A tear fell from my cheek onto the lined paper. I imagined how alone he must have felt when I didn’t respond. How many days did he wait until he figured I didn’t love him? How unloved and unwanted he must have felt.

Tear after tear fell, and I didn’t bother to wipe them. I was overwhelmed with emotions from the past. Still a little angry at River for holding this letter, and angry at myself for not asking more questions instead of thinking Jager never loved me.

I left the note on the bedside table and walked over to the dining room. Jager sat in front of his laptop, his arms crossed, staring at the screen.

“Can we talk?” I asked, “Or are you in the middle of something?”

“Not at all. I’ve been staring at the screen but thinking of you the whole time.”

“Do you remember what you wrote?”

“Every word. I ran them through my mind day after day, wondering if I’d said something different if it would have changed your mind.”

“I’m sorry.”

He shook his head. “You didn’t know about the note. There’s nothing for you to apologize for.”

“I’m sorry you thought I didn’t love you. I’m sorry you thought you weren’t worth waiting for.” I crossed over and placed my hand on his cheek. “I would have waited forever for you.”

Jager closed his eyes. His jaw ticked, and he breathed heavily through his nostrils. He opened his mouth to speak, but shut it quickly.

“I love you, Jager. I always have.” I kissed him softly on his lips as they trembled. “I always will.”

He squeezed his eyes and jutted his chin up. “I can’t tell you how much those words mean to me.”

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