Page 81 of Protecting Bianca

I inhaled sharply. “I know that. But I felt like you never loved me.”

My eyes welled up and I couldn’t believe I’d finally said it to her. My heart exploded at the truth, and I waited for her to reach across the living room and reassure me that it wasn’t true.

“Are you kidding me? That was your problem? Oh, for fuck's sake. You’re too spoiled, that’s the real problem. You had it easy your whole life. Even when you left and I warned River not to help you. He did.”

“I would have ended up on the street. Is that what you wanted?”

“Yes. You needed to know what it felt like to be completely on your own. To know what it’s like to suffer like I did. Then you’d realize what I’ve sacrificed and crawl back to me on your belly, begging for forgiveness.”

The room fell silent. The only sound was my heart beating in my chest and the blood rushing through my ears. I tried to wrap my mind around her words, but it was as though my brain wouldn’t let me process them. They were too cruel, too malicious.

My body shook. “You may have never slapped me, but your words have always cut me to the core.”

“Oh, please—”

I put my hand up. “No. It’s my turn to talk and you will listen. This is what I can’t handle. Your vitriol. You want to continuously punish me, break me so that I will understand you. But I could never understand you. I can never understand how a mother would want to see their child suffer if they could end that suffering. I could never understand how you’re incapable of telling me you love me or care about me or fucking don’t want to see me crawling on my belly through the streets. I wouldn’t want to see anyone in that kind of despair, but you wish it on your child to satisfy your ego.”

My chest rose and fell, and I thought my heart would break through my ribs. But I wasn’t finished.

“I didn’t know what I would say today or how things would turn out. But I should have known that it doesn’t matter how badly I want things to change. They won’t until both of us do.”

“I don’t need therapy, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“I don’t know what I’m asking anymore. I don’t know what I want from you. But I don’t want this.”

Her eyes narrowed, and her face contorted into an ugly snarl. I would never forget that look as long as I lived.

“Thank you, Mother.”

Her face remained blank, and she was right to be cautious. “I want to thank you for giving me clarity. For helping me put into words how you’ve hurt me. And before you say anything else,” I raised my hand again to stop her, “know that it will fall on deaf ears. I will not allow your words to trouble me anymore. I will not replay this conversation over and over in my head, wondering if I could have said something differently, apologized for the tenth time, or said I love you first. It won’t matter because I will never be a priority for you. And I’ve finally realized that. As much as it hurts, it will help me move on.”

A red blush rose from her neck to her cheeks. “You are so selfish,” she spat. “All you care about is yourself. You just abandon your family when things get tough. How was I supposed to do it on my own, huh? If I made mistakes, it’s not my fault. I did my best.”

I nodded. “I’m gonna go or we’ll just continue to hurt each other with our words. I don’t like who I am around you and I think I bring out the worst in you, too.”

“You’re just like your father,” she snarled. “Go on, run away.”

It hit me, then. I reminded her of him the most. It should have made me feel better that I was erroneously blamed, but it didn’t. “At least now I know why you hate me so much.”

“I hate what you’ve become.”

“Goodbye, Mom. Take care of yourself.”

I buttoned my coat to the top and walked out the front door. She slammed it behind me, and I jumped from the sound. My heart was still racing, and a headache formed at my temples. I knew the tears were about to fall but I prayed to God I could hold them back until I was far away from this place. I would not let her see me cry. I would not give her the satisfaction of knowing she finally broke me.

But she did.

I’d only ever wanted her love—her unconditional love—not because I’d cooked dinner or finished some chore she’d asked me to do, but because I was hers and she would want to protect me at all costs.

Fuck.This hurt so much.

I pulled over when the tears started falling on the freeway. My chest felt as though it was tearing itself apart.

I parked the car on the side of the road and dropped my head onto the steering wheel. My shoulders shook as I sobbed and sobbed until my voice cracked and spittle formed at the sides of my mouth.

It hurt so damn much.

I had wanted to heal this hole in my heart that I’ve had since I was a teenager. I thought I could ignore it, but that hadn’t worked. I thought talking it out with her would help, but it made it worse. I didn’t know how to deal with this anymore. Maybe therapy wasn’t right for my mom, but it could help me. I pulled out my phone and started searching. So many listings came up, I didn’t know where to begin. I typed ‘help with issues with my mom’ and a bunch of names came up with a specialty in family therapy. I chose one and booked an online appointment for this week. I couldn’t do this on my own anymore. I wanted to be better for myself and the people in my life. I thought of Jager and how I didn’t want my issues to mess up what we had right now. I would fight for myself and my happiness anyway I knew how.

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