Page 106 of Protecting Bianca

“I know that, too. But it really is time for me to get my own place. I need to do it for myself. I’ve wanted it for so long.”

He squeezed my hand and let it go, rubbing his sweaty palms over his jeans. “I understand.”

“I also need to apologize, River. I was so angry at you, but I never should have said those things. Whenever we fight, I think of her and all I see is red. I think sometimes everything I want to say to her, I say to you, and that’s unfair.”

“I heard you went by to talk to her. How did it go?”

I tilted my head and scoffed. “How do you think it went?”

“Well, it sounds like nothing new came from it.”

“I thought that too, but I think I finally discovered something.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s really over between us. No matter how many times we try to fix this, it gets worse. Maybe the two of us will never get along, and at this point, I’m okay with that. I’m not going to feel guilty about it, either. Maybe in the distant future we can have a relationship, but I’m not thinking about it. I’m letting my anger and frustration go. I won’t feel like there’s anything more I can do or that I’ve done something wrong. I’ve tried my best, but we just don’t see things the same way and I believe we never will. I hope you don’t hate me for that.”

“I don’t hate you, B. I never could. I’m proud of you. And if distance is what you need, I’ll never mention her to you again until you’re ready. Besides, we sort of had an argument ourselves and we’re not exactly on speaking terms right now.”

In the past, I thought my brother fighting with my mom would validate me, but it only made me sad. I knew what that did to a person, and I didn’t want that for my brother.

“I’m sorry,” I said and pulled him in for a hug. He squeezed me tighter and sniffed. Tears welled up in my eyes, but I brushed them away when I finally pulled back.

“Oh, before I forget. I owe you something,” said River, standing from the couch. He walked over to his room and came back holding a piece of paper.

When he handed it to me, I took it carefully. My name was scrawled on top in familiar handwriting. It wasn’t River’s; it was Jager’s.

“I should have given this to you a long time ago.”

I held the note in my hand, and my heart raced. I didn’t know if I should read it now or never. I decided I’d read it later when I was alone.

“Thank you,” I said.

I tucked the note inside my purse and rejoined River, Lizzie, and Jager in the kitchen.

We ate dessert and laughed at Lizzie’s imitation of River’s football rituals on Sunday. All the while, I wondered what was inside that letter.

On the way home, Jager turned to me. “You’ve been awfully quiet tonight. Did it not go well with River?”

“No. It was great. We both got a lot off our chest, I think. It felt very healing.”

“That’s good.”

After a few seconds of silence, he added, “Then what’s bothering you?”

I didn’t know why I held back. I was worried there would be something in that letter that would upset me or ruin what we had going on right now. “River gave me something tonight. Something he should have given me more than a decade ago.”

“What was it… wait,” he turned to look at me. His face was cautious, but his eyes were wide.

“He gave me your letter.”

Jager turned back to look at the road and exhaled loudly. “Wow. I can’t believe he kept it this long.”

I looked down at the letter inside my purse. “Me neither.”

“Have you read it?”

I shook my head. “Not yet.”

---