Page 91 of Bean

My heart started to pound hard in my ears. This wasn’t real. Was it? It couldn’t be. But there it was, in black ink on cream paper, written neatly between the lines.

He’s the first man I’ve ever been with and that makes me see everything through rose glasses.

My brain is unreliable. I may have forgotten the bad things.

The sex is great, but sex is not the same as love.

I haven’t known him long enough to…

I slammed the book shut and slid it back onto the nightstand. All the reasons he didn’t love me. A whole list of them. At least ten, and probably a bunch more I wasn’t brave enough to read. My eyes had blurred before I could get past number four, but it was enough.

Fuck.

My heart felt like it was breaking into a thousand pieces, the jagged shards leaving behind bleeding wounds. How had I letmyself fall so far? How had I let myself trust that I was worthy of love?

I knew what I was good for. Everything I’d given Bean—experience, attention, sex, pleasure, company—those were all the things Gio had wanted from me. They were probably all the things anyone would ever want from me.

I felt a strange surge rushing through me, a sort of gratitude that I’d learned this before I opened my mouth and made a fool of myself. Then panic set in because I knew right then I couldn’t keep going. I couldn’t keep fucking Bean, holding him and whispering sweet nothings that to me were everything, knowing he was keeping a tally of all the reasons he would never be mine.

It had to stop.

The bathroom door opened just as I pulled on sweats, and his smile fell off his face when he looked at me. “Jarek?”

“Are you heading out soon?” My tone was icy. I wanted to play it cool, but I felt like I was about to lose it.

He swallowed. “Did you not want me to stay, or?—”

“I have a busy day tomorrow. And an early morning.”

I could see the hurt blooming on his face. He glanced around like he was missing something, and I wanted to hate him for this feeling in my chest, but I couldn’t. None of this was his fault. He was sticking to the terms of our agreement. I was the one who broke everything.

Fuck, I did not want to cry right then, but my throat was hot.

“Actually, I need to run out to Ivy’s. Will you be okay here? You can lock up when you leave.” I didn’t wait for an answer. I was panicking. I hurried toward the door, but apparently, Bean wasn’t having it because he managed to grab my wrist before I could snatch my keys off the curio table.

“Jarek! What’s going on?”

I stilled, then turned slowly and carefully removed my wrist from his grasp. “I’m sorry.”

“Did I do something wrong?”

Yes. Except no. He hadn’t.Ihad. I had agreed not to fall in love, to let us stay friends, and I’d broken my own rule and my own heart. I shook my head. “It’s not you. It’s me.”

---