Page 100 of Bean

I had to do this.

I made my way around the building and saw Bean in the tiny parking lot. All four spaces were taken, and he was standing in front of an old, vintage Mustang, his back against the wall, his head bowed toward his phone.

For a moment, I thought about running away, but fuck, I couldn’t do that. Just looking at him was enough to soothe the turmoil in my gut. I wanted to put my arms around him and have him kiss the sense back into me, though I knew I didn’t have the right.

I cleared my throat instead, and he jumped a little, his head snapping up. His face went through several emotions I didn’t entirely recognize, then his lips parted on an exhale and he raised a hand.

“Rhymes with Derek,” he said as I got closer.

I didn’t think he had trouble with my name anymore, but hearing those words stilled something in me. “Am I late?”

“Early,” he said, showing off the time on his phone. “I was having a bad day, so Zayd said to go home and try again tomorrow.”

“It’s my fault, isn’t it?”

“I can lie and say no, but…” He trailed off with a small laugh, and I managed a grin, though I didn’t much feel like smiling.

“No, yeah. Fuck,” I said, rubbing a hand down my face. After a beat, I stepped beside him and rested my back against the wall, mirroring his position. “I’m sorry about that. I…I panicked.”

“I get it,” Bean said softly, his head bowed again. “I mean, I’m young and inexperienced and probably really annoying to deal with?—”

“No.”

He looked up at me, his brows furrowed.

“I broke the rules.”

His voice dropped, now barely above a whisper. “You said we make our own rules.”

“We did. Wedo,” I answered, not sure which one of those was right. God, I wanted to pull him close and kiss him. “Except there was one rule we weren’t supposed to break, and I shattered it.”

“Jarek—”

“I fell for you,” I blurted. His eyes widened, and embarrassment coursed through me. I was such a damn disaster, and now I was flaying myself alive in front of him. “I was going to tell you that night after we…uh…”

Bean’s chin began to tremble. “I don’t understand. If that’s how you felt, why did you leave?”

Taking a deep breath, I turned and faced him fully. “I know I had no right, and I swear I wasn’t snooping, but…but I found your list.”

“My list?” he repeated. “The sex list? Did I put something on there that?—”

“No,” I interrupted in a rush. “The other list. I was just about to tell you how I felt. The words were on the tip of my tongue. You were in the bathroom cleaning up, and your notebook fell on the floor. I couldn’t help but read it, and I understood then how badly I fucked up, but knowing how you felt, I couldn’t keep going. It was going to kill me if I had to pretend I wanted to stay just friends.”

“I don’t understand,” Bean said, now sounding desperate. “What list?”

“The one you made in the back of the book.Ten Reasons I’m Not In Love With Jarek.” God, it was the first time I’d said that aloud, and it hurt hearing it just as much as it had reading it. “Don’t get me wrong, Bean, I totally understand all the reasons you don’t love me. My life isn’t that well put together, and it’s going to take me a while to be a man worthy of someone like you. But I can’t help how I feel. I’m in love with you, and if I want to save what dignity I have left, I have to end this now.”

Bean swallowed heavily. Silence stretched out for what felt like an eternity. Then he turned and there was more determination in his face than I had ever seen since we’d been together. “You’re in love with me.”

That was his takeaway. I mean, of course, it was. I nodded miserably. “I am. And I’m sorry.”

He laughed. That was not what I was expecting. I thought maybe he’d apologize or try to make excuses, but to openly mock me…?

“Why are yousorry?”

“Because we’re not just on different pages, Bean. We’re in separate universes. We’re—” My words were cut off when Bean’s impossibly strong hands took me by the front of my shirt and shoved me fully against the wall.

He stepped up and his gaze met mine. “You’re in love with me,” he repeated.

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