Page 10 of When I'm Gone

I used to have that. I have to get it back.

I’m about to get back to it, but then the guy facing away from me dropped down onto one knee. There is no way I am missing this moment, even if these people are strangers. I don’t want to get too close and spoil it for them, but I simply have to see it. My feet are rooted to the cobblestones.

Loving words are exchanged, I can only make out some of them from where I am standing, but it seems like what you would expect.I’m a better man… Can’t wait for our forever…I’ll get a toothache by the end of this, but I have to see it through.

Then the big question.

Will you marry me?

My eyes are a little misty as a resound yes carries across the courtyard. The newly engaged couple embrace, and I drift closer. They are in my way, and I’m going to have to walk past them on my way to my own love.

It also means that I hear with crystal clarity, when upon examining his ring, guy number one exclaims, “I can’t wait to be Mr. Aaron Stephen Murphy.”

No.

NO.

What are the chances?

The earth crumbles beneath my feet, I can’t hear a thing beyond the roaring in my ears. My useless feet can’t even carry me away from my worst nightmare come to life. The closer I look, the worse it gets. I set out that shirt for him last night; it brought out the green of his eyes. The haircut, the watch, the shoes… Everything I could see was painfully familiar.

I just watched my boyfriend get engaged.

The realization is what finally frees me. I run. Past baby strollers and playing dogs. Past the street musicians, and even past the doorman of my building, Randall. Once I start, there is no stopping it. No waiting for the elevator, sixteen floors up had nothing compared to the only thought I am capable of.

Don’t stop.

My hands are shaking so badly, it takes me three tries to open the door. I don’t have the luxury of time here, if I was going to go, I have to do it now. Aaron had told me he’d be gone for a few days, but if he decided he needed to check on me, he’d come back early and try to catch me in the act of whatever he’d decided I was guilty of.

I am so very, very fucked.

Where can I go? One thing is for certain, I’m not welcome back at my parent’s house. Not that I’d ever darken their doorstep again. I’d rather be homeless. But I really fucking do not want that. There are no friends I could crash with, literally every single person in Boston that I know is because of Aaron.

Maybe I can just disappear, and he wouldn’t care. He is going to be busy with his fiancé after all.

Whether or not that's true, the quick kiss as he left for work this morning was the last time he’d see me.

As badly as I wanted answers—how long he’s been cheating on me, who is the other man, was it ever real—a clean break is a gift that I’m not willing to squander.

Just the thought of him finding me before I leave is enough to make me break out in a sweat. The truth is, he terrified me. I can’t do it anymore. The fear of stepping out of line, the way he’d withdraw all his affection if I fucked up, the constant hot and cold. Will he love me today or will I be the worst thing to ever happen to him?

This is my chance, and I have to take it.

I rush to our bedroom—his bedroom now—and grab the first backpack I come across, the one I normally use as a personal item when we travel. What goes into it, I haven’t the slightest idea. I want the essentials, but it is hard to see behind the sickening replay in my head.

I wonder what happens to him if he falls asleep in his clothes…

Part of me wants to stay, try and figure out who this person is and try to warn them. No one else should get hurt because of Aaron Murphy. Self preservation is a hell of a drug though, it keeps me moving when all I want to do is collapse. It is going to get me the hell out of Boston and far, far away from this.

I’m not sure if Antarctica would feel far enough away to allow me to sleep safely at night.

What a fucking depressing thought.

After the random assortment of personal items is packed, I pull out my wallet and discard everything but my identification and the cash Aaron gave me in case I had to tip a delivery driver or something. It’s not a lot, but heaven help me if it’s not enough.

Common sense knocks me over the head like a baseball bat on my way out the door. I pause with my hand on the knob and do a couple of quick google searches. One link leads to another, and I have my only hope of a roof over my head. I scribble the information down on a scrap of paper and shove it in my pocket, clear my search history and throw the phone against the ground as hard as I can for good measure.

It gives a satisfying crack, and that is enough for me.

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