Page 25 of When I'm Gone

Suddenly, he slips his arms underneath me, one under my knees and one on my shoulder blade, and hefts me into the air without so much as a grunt. “Okay,” he decides as he carries me off. “Sick day it is.”

“I’m s-sorry,” I gasp in between sobs.

Chase must have gotten me settled where he wanted me because I can feel both his hands running up and down my spine. “Don’t you dare be sorry. I've got you. It's going to be okay. We’ll figure it out together.”

All my secrets almost come tumbling out. If I could talk around my cries, he'd probably be hearing it all this very moment. Just like four years ago, I desperately want to throw my problems at his feet in hopes he can help me sort through the tangled mess inside my head. But I let him hold me while I fall apart. I can’t do this alone, it’s too hard and too confusing. So, while I may hate myself for this later because it feels intimate and personal, that’s the price I’ll pay for the comfort.

Eventually, my gut-wrenching sobs dissolve into hiccupy cries wrapped in the safety of his arms. I look up and see his pale eyes, more blue in the morning light, watching me carefully. Embarrassment floods my cheeks, his shirt is soakedthrough with my tears and I’m on top of him, chest to chest, clinging like my life depends on it.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” I admit in a hoarse whisper, my throat aching as if I swallowed gasoline.

Chase lifts face with his thumb under my chin. “Just talk to me, Easton. I won’t force it but it’s tearing me up to see you so upset and be entirely in the dark over here. There’s only so much help I can give until you talk to me.”

“Why do you care so much?” I have to know. He didn’t try to find me either, and I went years wondering how he could be the most supportive person I’d ever had in my corner one minute to not saying anything when my family cast me out.

That fucking day. It haunts me. How I had to stand there and hear bible verses shouted at me, how they shamed me for my perversion, and my brother and his best friend were just outside. How could they listen to that and let them kick me out?

Chase takes a deep breath and blows it out through his nose. “I’ve always cared about you, Chaos. Maybe more than I should.”

Am I being too naive? Because it really feels like he’s being truthful. I try to crawl off his body but his hand darts out to the middle of my back to halt me. “I don’t even know where to start. There’s too much.”

“What can I do to make you feel more comfortable opening up to me?”

The last tendrils of my dignity fly out the window, and I snort. “Probably just keep petting me like a cat.”

He smiles. “Easy.”

The ministrations resume, relaxing me enough that I let my head fall back to that perfect spot on his chest where things seem possible. “I don’t know how to do the after. Nothing makes sense. Normal things seem impossible, like sleeping or remembering to feed myself. It’s not like I wasgreat at that stuff before but it was never this bad. I’m constantly afraid. No, that’s a lie. I’m terrified of something happening that knocks me to the ground out of nowhere, then you’ll see how I’m barely hanging on to real life, and it will be too much for you and then you’ll make me leave because obviously you and Brady were fine without me, so you’ll be fine after I’m gone again. But I don’t want to leave. I don’t want you to give up on me and… and a?—”

“Easton,” he interrupts, his tone firm and unyielding, commanding me. “No one, absolutely no one is going to give up on you. Least of all me. If you want to be here, then you’re staying. All I need from you is one thing. You know what that is?”

I shake my head. “What? Money? I can get a job so I’m not a burden, I promise.”

“Easton.” He waits for me to meet his gaze so I can see the truth in his eyes before he continues. “You are never a burden. Not financially, not emotionally, not physically, not in any other way you can think of.”

My throat threatens to close up on me again, tightening like a noose. “You don’t even know me…”

He hums in consideration. “I know more than you think, sweetheart. I know that your nose scrunches up when you’re confused, that you love to be paid attention to, and you’re one of the most talented, creative, and good-hearted people I’ve ever met. That’s enough for me to say with full confidence that you have a place here. You’re wanted here, with us. In our lives and in my house. All I need from you is for you to be honest with me. Do you think you can do that for me?”

“I can’t tell you everything, if that’s what you’re looking for,” I grumble.

We’re close enough that I could count his dark eyelashes when I look up but as it sits, there’s a little patch of freckleson the golden skin at the hollow of his throat that my attention won’t stray from. It’s far more intimate than any sex I’ve had; him holding me while my greatest fears and insecurities spill from my lips.

His heart is thumping in my ear, the birds are chirping loudly outside the window, and maybe it’s the full night of sleep speaking but if he believes in me, maybe I could start over. Maybe I could do it.

“Trust takes time, Easton. I’m not expecting your full story today, but all I need is for you to tell me if you’re not okay, or what you need from me. That’s it. Sound reasonable?”

He always sounds reasonable. Any other day, it would make me feel stupid, even with the knowledge that he never intends it to be that way. Today, it feels like something I could do. “Yes.”

“Good. You’re going to be okay, Eas.”

I tell him in a whisper, “I can’t keep this up anymore.”

This is more than I have words for, it’s anxiety clawing my throat out, being too tired to eat and too exhausted to rest, being viscerally furious with my brother for turning his back on me, the wholly unpreparedness for how challenging starting over would be. Maybe I am weak, that’s what he always told me, and maybe there’s truth to it, because I need someone in my corner. Just one person who cares.

Chase brings his warm hand to the back of my neck and squeezes, not even close to being painful but firm enough that it’s reassuring. “It’s really hard to be strong when you just want to be safe.” He sighs.

It hits me square in the chest. Is that what I’m chasing? Safety… I’ve had financial security, I’ve had new beginnings and finery, but have I had that?

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