Page 96 of When I'm Gone

It’s a bit mind-boggling how quickly my brain made me forget the way it hurts. Bone-deep,getting stabbed by a knife when you move wrongkind of pain. It never really eases up, you just have to live with it.

All of my aches had healed in the weeks I was free. I could move around without wincing, nothing felt weird when I’d scrub my body with a washcloth in the shower. It was too simple getting used to, and I got spoiled fast. Now, I’m paying for it in the worst way.

Aaron sits casually at the small dining room table, ankle balanced on his knee as he flips through the newspaper. A physical one, since there doesn’t seem to be anything with internet access allowed in this house. He’s old-fashioned like that. My head throbs with each wobbly step I take. Shovingme so hard that I fell and hit my skull on the bathtub is a distant memory for him. He’s a different person than he was twenty minutes ago when I took too long in the shower.

It’s always my fault. I just wish he’d give me a break from the head injuries. They’re keeping my thoughts scrambled. It hurts to think too hard about anything, so I’m just not. It is what it is, I guess. That’s not to mention the aches in my ribs or the possible sprain in my wrist, of course. And definitely not to mention where else he’s hurt me. I don’t like to think about that.

“Get me another cup before you start breakfast, wouldn’t you, doll?” he asks without looking up. Well, more like demands but with a deceiving tone so I know that if he lashes out again, it’s because I wasn’t willing to move on and make nice.

Maybe I can lay down and slip quietly into a coma after I make his meal. The thought gives me the strength to do as he asks before starting to chop vegetables. It’s slow going, considering my double vision, but he is usually willing to give me a bit of grace after a head injury, and doesn’t mention it.

I miss Chase so fiercely, it hurts worse than my head. If I’m lucky, he saw the note and took it at face value. Aaron is dangerous, and I have no doubts that he’d follow through on his threats if Chase starts looking for me or I try to run. A sob builds in my throat thinking about how much this is hurting him. He must be so confused. We had been on the verge of saying something,thesomething, right before he left, and then he came home to me gone with no more than a quick note left on the side table.

He might hate me, and that threatens to turn my stomach. Although, if he hates me, he might just let me go without a fight.

Something shatters above my head, forcing me to squeezemy eyes shut as fragments ricochet back at me, stinging my face and neck where it strikes. “You see what you make me do?” Aaron roars. I instinctively grab the edge of the countertop to brace for whatever is coming next. “Why do you do this to me, Easton? You think I don’t know what you’re thinking about over there? Or should I say who? You just insist on disrespecting me when I have provided you with everything you could ever possibly need!” He’s closer now, close enough I can feel the spit flying from his mouth and landing on the back of my neck, but I don’t dare move a muscle. “And what do I have to show for it? Nothing but an ungrateful little brat who turns his nose up at the life I built for us!”

Breathe, in and out. In and out. Don’t react, don’t…“Where does your fiancé fit into the life you’ve built for us?”

Oh, fuck. He yanks me backwards by my hair so that I have no choice but to look at him. The fury in his eyes is staggering, not an ounce of love or affection. Just contempt. “Ahhh. He’s got a mouth on him now? Who taught you to talk back like that?”

“Don’t talk about him,” someone who sounds like me says.

Aaron sneers. “You think he gives a shit about you? I’m sure he’s already balls deep in some twink who doesn’t mouth off and completely forgot your name. You know how I know, doll? Because I know you. You’re nothing but a high school dropout who lures them in with a warm hole, and then by the time they see what a fucking mess you are, you’ve already moved in. Just like you did to me. You’re no victim, Easton. Stop kidding yourself. And clean this fucking mess up.”

He storms off to the bedroom and slams the door, locking it behind him to do god knows what while I’m left looking over the shattered remains of his breakfast plate, wondering if he has a point.

CHAPTER 30

EASTON- FOUR WEEKS LATER

Five little letters. That’s all that stands between me and freedom. No more pain. No more possession. Aaron made a mistake, leaving me alone. He was probably desperate to get back to the shiny little toy I saw in the park before I left Boston, but his infidelity happens to work in my favor this time. There’s no telling when he’ll be back, so I can only hope that it’ll work out like I need it to. With the way he’s been behaving, there probably won’t be another chance like this.

I touch the scar on my arm, the one I got on my very first day with him, and remind myself that this is the best thing forhim. I’d do anything to protect him, including this. I can protect him like I wish someone would have protected me. I try not to let myself think about him anymore, it’s like Aaron can see it on me and likes to remind me who I really belong to. So I don’t let myself find comfort in him anymore.

But today?

Today, I need him. One last time, after all. One last day to remember the sparkle in his eyes and the warmth of his laughter. Tears burn in my eyes at the thought of neverseeing his smile again, but I don’t resist them. They fall freely, giving no relief to my aching heart, but it feels right to allow myself to grieve.

Grieve for the weeks that I’ve been trying to hold on; hoping that this nightmare will end. Grieve for the future that should have been, but has crumpled to dust. It’s time for this, probably long past.

Chase won’t forgive me for this, but I hope one day, he’ll understand. Aaron has shown that he’ll never let me go. He will never let me find happiness, and for me, that can only be found in one place. My love deserves better than that, a life of looking over his shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I’d rather him lose me once, permanently, rather than have him be abandoned again and again. As much as it pains me to think about, this is in his best interest. I can do this. I can break his heart, just this once. It’ll hurt, but he will heal with time, and maybe the next time he falls for someone, they won’t have as much baggage as me.

The letter I wrote says as much. That I want him to try again and find his real forever because he was mine. It was a short one, but it was everything to me. More than I ever dreamed of, for the weeks I had him.

My own squiggly handwriting stares back at me. Since I finished it, I haven’t been able to let go of it. Like I’d be letting go of him if I put it down.

I’m being a baby. Emotional and irrational are Aaron’s two favorite words to describe me, and it’s holding up today. But I need to let go, need to say goodbye. Give him closure. I don’t want him to be looking for me again. This time it’s really over.

At least he won’t be alone; his family will be there for him. Brady will be.

Fuck.

Even thinking about my brother hurts. I can’t focus on him or I’ll lose my nerve. I said everything I have to say to both of them in the letter. Depending on where I am, it will arrive in a few days, giving them no time to track me down and try to change my mind.

I just hope he understands.

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