Page 94 of When I'm Gone

“I can’t, Brady. He left. It’s fine.” He makes a frustrated noise and shoves a scrap of paper at me. Well, he left a note. That makes it all better. Now I have something to look back on when my self-hatred reaches peak levels as a physical representation of how I fucked up my life.

When I don’t say anything, his frustration grows. “Don’t you see it?” There’s an edge to his voice, like his grip on reality is hanging on my answer.

Awesome. I love pop quizzes that end in insurmountable depression when you inevitably fail. “See what? He said it himself, he made a mistake ever finding us and wants to be left alone.”

Brady stands suddenly, putting us nose to nose. “I trusted you with him, you should know him better than that.”

The bite in his words makes me wince. The reminder that he never faltered in supporting me and his little brother getting together and I still let him down is not a fun one. “Maybe you shouldn’t have.”

He growls like a feral animal, I just push past him because I’m not current on my rabies vaccines. “You didn’t even look at the fucking note, Chase. Maybe if you read it, you’ll pull your head out of your ass.”

“Whatever,” I grumble, taking the damn thing from him again and throwing my keys and bag in the general vicinity of the couch.

Dear Chase,

I made a mistake coming here, and allowing us to continue in this facade is unfair to you. This is what is best, even if it doesn’t seem that way. Don’t look for me, I don’t want to be found.

With sincerest apologies,

Easton.

“What the fuck are you going on about, dude? I don’t get it.” I huff, exasperating by having to reread that bullshit for no goddamn reason.

His face is so red with fury, for a moment I think he’s going to hit me. His molars are grinding so hard, I’m surprised I can’t hear it. “Since when does my brother talk like that?”

Look, I’m not afraid to admit to being dumb, but I really think I’m not here. “Brady, I know this is hard, but you’re grasping at straws. Sure, it’s a little formal sounding, but that doesn’t mean anything.”

Exhaustion weighs heavily on my shoulders, the kind that sleep won’t fix. My mom is still hospitalized after she almost died, and I got dumped. I think I’m allowed a pass if I skip holding Brady’s hand and walking him through this justonce. He can argue with himself, I’m tapping out so I can allow the vast emptiness threatening to engulf my consciousness to have its way with me.

Just when I think I’ll have my wish, a weight thumps down next to me and sighs heavily. Unfortunately, the weight also talks. How much bad luck can one guy have? “You really think he just left like this?”

“Yes, Brady. That’s what he said and I believe him. Is his stuff inside? Anything to indicate that something terrible happened?”

He makes a soft sound, so heartbroken it makes my closed eyes sting. “No, but he didn’t say goodbye. Not even to me.”

My throat constricts well past the point of uncomfortableness. “Nope,” I say simply. The bitterness I expect to feel doesn’t come. My heart won’t allow it, not where Easton is concerned. Even shattered, it is incapable of feeling anything remotely negative about him.

I just wish I knew why.

“What are we supposed to do, Ace?” he asks in a helpless whisper.

Still, I can’t face him. Seeing his heartbreak would destroy me, and I’d much rather be numb. It’s easier that way. “I don’t know,” I force out around the lump in my throat. “I really don’t.”

Much as I wish it wouldn’t, the sun will rise tomorrow and the world will keep moving. There won’t be any charcoal stained fingers or pillows stripped from their covers in the middle of the night. No warm body curled into mine as I sip my coffee in the morning. So really, what’s the point now? What am I supposed to do now? Pretend I didn’t have something magical? Force myself forward in a dull gray world after I saw the beauty of color?

I guess I don’t have a choice.

CHAPTER 29

CHASE

“Don’t fucking touch me,” I growl, and as I see my words land, I wish I had the capacity to regret them. But I don’t. Parker backs up, hands raised in the air like he got cornered by a wild animal.

He just wants to help, to comfort me in some way, but if they don’t stop acting like someone fucking died, I’m gonna fly off the handle.

My little brother runs a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry. You need to get some sleep, though, Chase. It’s been weeks. You can’t keep going on like this, it’s not healthy.”

Why can’t they all fucking go home? I don’t want them here, in this damn twilight zone where time is irrelevant because he. Isn’t. Here.

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