Page 61 of When I'm Gone

I chew slowly, trying to find the hidden meaning to his words. It doesn’t spark an immediate answer, but there’s something itching in the back of my brain. Some little pest that is insistent about seeing daylight, but I can’t quite grasp it. It seems like too many pieces of my past end up like that. Unidentifiable, but bothersome.

Brady continues, sparing me the frustration of trying tofigure it out. “You really don’t remember?” I shake my head, trying to resist the temptation to tear at my cuticles. Any of my personal failures, big or small, end up showing on my body. Maybe that’s how I ended up with Aaron. The thought threatens to turn my stomach inside out. “That’s what I see when I look back at our childhood, Eas. I see you. Sour candies to help keep you from spinning out. Pixie sticks to get you out of bed when it was hard for you. You know, they say that the oldest sibling leaves behind a fraction of their DNA in the womb that’s passed on to the younger ones, but I don’t believe it for us. It’s always been you that’s a part of me, not the other way around. Maybe a small part of me knew that I needed to shield you from Mom and Dad, maybe that’s why I found ways to keep your struggles out of their line of sight. But I never thought of it like that. It wasn’t a burden, though, it was more of a harmless secret. So what if you were sad sometimes, you were my brother. It was my job to take care of you. Dad made the money, Mom kept us fed, and I made sure no one knew that your mind weighed you down occasionally. Maybe that was where I went wrong. Too wrapped up in the day-to-day and it made me miss something big. I’m sorry, Eas. I’ll keep saying it until you believe it. But I’m never going to apologize for trying my best to take care of you. I knew they wouldn't understand. But I never for one second thought they’d kick out like that. I really thought they loved us unconditionally.”

As he speaks, memories start coming, sparking up like flames. Brady kneeling by my bed, begging me to get up with a handful of flavored sugar. Him taking me away when Mom and Dad would argue because it would give me panic attacks when Dad would yell. The way he’d always claim to have whatever I did so that we could stay home sick from school together.

“They love you unconditionally,” I snark without as much venom as I would like.

He shakes his head. “No one that loves me would treat you like that.”

It hangs in the air while I try to convince myself to trust him again. It’s no easy task and there’s no way I could immediately fall back to what we were before, but something has got to change.

Well, me. I guess I have to change. But it’s not easy.

There’s no one to blame but myself. My situation was the product of some fucked-up stuff, but I didn’t have to let it get so bad. I didn’t have to let him isolate me from the one person who’s always been my number one supporter. Brady never would have let someone he was dating control if he talks to me or not, and if he thought I said something out of character, he’d be calling me to get it straight from the source. He’d never let someone take a wrecking ball to our relationship, but I did.

“It’s all my fault, huh?” I ask as tears gather at the inner corner of my eyes.

Everything. Every-fucking-thing comes back to the fact that I am a goddamn idiot. If I could have just flown under the radar for a couple of more years, none of this would have happened. I could have just moved out at eighteen like we planned and then told Mom and Dad to eat gravel after I was somewhere safe. It could have been that easy.

“That’s what I asked Logan when she pried the full story out of me in Chicago. Wanna know what she told me?”

Chase swears she has super powers, call me curious. Maybe a masochist. “What?”

Brady offers me a soft smile, a fraction of his usual one making my heart pang uncomfortably at the sight. I really do bring everyone down. Fucking hell. “She told me that I had to let the guilt go. You were somewhere scared with yourwhole world turned upside down, and if I was going to be worth a damn when I found you again, I had to forgive myself for the ignorance of youth.”

“Did you?”

He chuckles sadly. “Yeah. As much as I could, at least. It was only weighing me down, and I cared more about apologizing to your face than beating myself up in my room at night.” I can’t help but make a frustrated noise, it’s hard not to be annoyed with myself for being the way I am. “Hey, ease up on yourself, Eas. I never said it was easy. It took a long time, plenty of therapy, and a lot of work internally, but I had goals I wanted to achieve, so I was motivated.”

I’ve always known there was something wrong with me. Other little kids in school were balls of energy, babbling on about the cartoons they watched or what games they were going to play at recess. I was always… reserved. Doodling in the corners of my notebooks, listening in on the joy I could never seem to muster. But when I was especially low, that’s when it was crystal clear, I wasn’t like them and never would be. I couldn’t even voice it to myself, much less Brady, but there was always a lingering… what if, that no child has any business wondering. What if I jumped off the overpass?

What if I never existed at all?

Brady would be better off, I’ve known that since I was old enough to understand—which was younger than I’d care to admit—that he was fine without me, but the opposite could never be true.

What if I did him a favor and took the out?

My views on the afterlife are half-formed at best, as a fun little side effect of any higher power wanting me to burn for eternity because I kiss boys, but even then, all I hoped for was sleep. Rest for the wicked, after all. My heart would ache each morning when I peeled my eyes open and discovered that I had to make it through another day. But then, mybrother would be there with his paper-wrapped cavities looking so damn happy to see me, and I knew I had to try again.

Through a choked voice, I mumble, “I missed you so fucking much.”

He pulls me up and into a bone-crushing hug before I can blink. “I missed you too, Koda.”

Hot tears land in my hair, and for the first time in a long time, a kernel of hope blooms in my chest.

CHAPTER 19

CHASE

Call me biased, but Seattle’s lights look good on Easton. He’s mesmerized by all he can see, but I can’t stop looking at him. Something changed for him today and getting out of the house was a necessary way to celebrate. I look down long enough to see his hand in mine, not because he needs me, but he’s freer somehow. Like a weight has been lifted.

And now, he’s here simply because he wants to spend time with me. Go on a date like a normal couple. It might be the cheesiest first date in all of Washington to take him up to the top of the Space Needle, but with the way he’s looking out over the city, it was the right call. Amazement makes his already beautiful eyes sparkle, leaving me unable to breathe properly when I connect with them.

Easton is made of pure magic and the kind of wonderment that only a lucky few can manage. I saw it years ago, and seeing it again now, knowing that it wasn’t squashed by his circumstances, is no less a miracle than him turning up out of the clear blue sky.

While I will never give up on saying he should have beenwith us this entire time, the strength it took for him to make his way here after all he’s suffered makes him the most incredible person I’ve ever known. I can’t fathom what it took for him to leave it all behind, especially with what he believed about his brother. He views it differently, that much is obvious. He’s frustrated with the cycles he’s experiencing, which is understandable. He deserves to be able to fully enjoy his newfound freedom, but he’s so harsh on himself.

Healing isn’t linear, it has more ups and downs than a mountain range. It isn’t fair or just. It hears no logic or reason. Sometimes, it’s downright cruel.

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