Page 58 of When I'm Gone

“Why?”

“Because it’s easy for you to say that you’re not, even act like you’re not, but it’s not so simple to convince myself of it. I’m always going in a thousand different directions, and at least nine hundred end with you deciding I’m too much to deal with.”

His hand halts its movement, I almost whimper. “Okay. I can work on that.”

I’m delusional, there’s no other explanation. “W-what?” I stutter.

Another kiss, this one near apologetic. “It’s got to be hard, overthinking like that. I’ll do better about over-explaining myself so you don’t have as much room to run off with your thoughts.”

Something unbearable happens beneath my ribcage, something too vast and complicated that makes my heart actually skip a beat. “Chase,” I choke out.

He sounds steadfast in his accountability. “It’s not a burden, Easton, so don’t even try. Just something I wasn’t fully aware I needed to be doing. If it helps you even in a small way, that’s all I want. It’s been fast, you and me, but I mean it when I say I’m in your corner.”

“Okay.” It’s all I can force out with my head spinning as it is. This is a lot for one day. Not all of it bad, in fact some of it incredible, but still a lot. Chase is so opposite of what I grew accustomed to that it’s hard to take it all in at once. Or ever, if I’m being honest with myself.

But for now, he’s here. Right beside me while I battle my demons and hope to come out on the other side so I can be a full person. For him, for me. So that I can prove to myself that what Aaron took from me isn’t gone forever.

CHAPTER 18

CHASE

The low I was expecting comes, and it’s just as heartbreaking as I thought, if not more. Okay, definitely more. Look, logically I know that depression isn’t something that has an easy fix. If it was, everyone that has it would snap their fingers and be done with the damn thing. But the less logical side of me is absolutely certain that Easton never had a fair shot and that fucking sucks. He started out on an uneven playing field and still has persevered. He’s so strong, and I hate that he has to be.

I’m also aware that if this thing between us, whatever it is, continues to develop, I need to accept all sides of him. He’s the dark days as much as the good ones and everything in between.

Still fucking kills me to see him not doing well.

Which is how I end up on the phone with my sister on a rarely warm Sunday afternoon. “I don’t know, Lo, I’m just trying to be supportive here.”

She hums in agreement. “I know, and I’m sure you’re doing everything you can for Easton. My main concern ishow you’re handling all of this. It’s been a lot for you too, you know?”

Normally, she would have passed the phone off to Sage already because most of the time, I’m not the easiest person to have a conversation with. But today, she called me because she wanted to check on me, more than the surface level of how things are going, and my concern for Easton had my walls a bit lowered. Her super-sister powers have been remarkably successful, I’m very impressed. So here we are, her too many miles away with her feet propped up on the balcony railing and me in an Adirondack chair in my backyard, hoping to see signs of life in my house.

“It has been,” I admit slowly. “But I’m figuring it out. And it’s not like it’s been bad. Easton is fucking wonderful, the dynamics are what needs some getting used to.”

I mean it, highs or lows, Easton somehow woke me up after emotionally coasting for fuck know’s how long, and he belongs here with me. Where he’s safe to feel whatever he feels. If tomorrow, he decides to move back in the spare bedroom and call things off with me, that still stands. It’ll suck, but I’m not ever going to make him leave, so it’s easier for me when he’s comfortable here.

Logan sounds sympathetic. “He really thinks Brady walked out?”

“He did until we got back. I’m not sure since then. He hasn’t talked about it and I haven’t pushed. He’s got a lot going on.”

I hear Logan shifting on the other end of the line. “Look, if there was a competition of who loves their baby brother the most in the world, you know I’d put up a hell of a fight for you three heathens, but Brady would pull out the win on that one. He adores Easton. This has got to be breaking his fucking heart.”

“It’s breaking Easton’s just as much, but it’s not as easy as Brady just clearing the air and they’re back to being best buds. The trust was decimated, and both of them have to be ready to build it back.”

The nostalgia hits me out of nowhere. I hate being the one who left in moments like this. Washington is my home, but sometimes dropping in for a visit to see my family just isn’t enough. “Oh, hon. Being in the middle of that can’t be fun.”

Logan rarely ever uses pet names, making that one go down like a mouthful of glass. After clearing my throat, I tell her it isn’t easy, but I’ll make it.

“I love you a bunch, a bunch. You know that, right? If you need me to take off for a while to physically be in your corner, I’ll be on the next flight.”

I exhale a quiet laugh, knowing without a doubt she’d be here, toddler in tow or not. “I’m really okay, Lo. Parker is coming soon and he and Easton are supposed to go to a concert. You’re only a phone call away.”

She sighs. “It’s my nature to worry, I’m someone’s mother for Christ’s sake. Ohmyfuck. Chase, I’m turning into Mom!”

She sounds horrified. I, however, think it’s absolutely hilarious. “She’d be so proud.”

My sister cackles. “Oh, fuck you. Hate you so much, call soon.”

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