Page 47 of When I'm Gone

I need out. I can’t do this, hash out my trauma and dissect each little piece while Brady coddles me with more useless words. My body carries me, stepping over my brother’s stunned form and into the house. When the front door is closed behind me, I can finally force myself to clear out some of the static taking over the corners of my vision.

Awareness is hard to hold on to, so I flinch when calloused fingers touch my shoulder. Of course he would find me when I’m falling apart again. “Should I even ask?”

There’s humor in his tone that I’m grateful for, making my lips quirk up. “Chase, are you trying to tell me I’m not the epitome of beauty right now?”

I’m expecting him to keep playing along, the last thing I think he’ll say is, “You always are, no matter what you’re feeling. You just wear your equally beautiful heart out in the open so I can’t help but notice it too.”

Rational thought abandons me. It’s just him. His proximity, his smell, the crinkle around his glacier blue eyes when he’s looking at me like I’m something precious. Chase, the guy I’ve had a crush on since I was a teenager, is looking at me in a way that no one ever has. That realization gives me the confidence boost I need to lean forward, pressing my lips to his. Chase deepens it, one hand snaking to my waist so he can haul me closer, and the other going to the back of my neck to take control. Butterflies flutter in my stomach at the way he manhandles me without ever taking it too far. Lightning floods my body as his tongue meets mine. I groan, and Chase takes the opportunity to explore my mouth further.

My hands go to his broad shoulders and defined back, as his muscles bunch under my touch.More, more, more,my brain chants. I need more of him, more touching, more kissing, more something. Everything. It’s a fucking effort to stay quiet. Kissing has never felt this surreal. Infinite. Chase’s tongue explores my mouth as mine does the same. He tastes like mint and a warm hug. I can’t get enough.

His hand tightens on my hip, squeezing before it travels up my back as his thumb traces my ribs. My heart threatens to beat out of my chest, pounding so hard I can feel it in my toes. Fuck, I want him so badly, it scares me.

Like he can read my thoughts, Chase pulls away and leans his forehead against mine. “You still with me, Chaos?”

Breathing his air, seeing his pillowy lips swollen from my kiss; I’m not sure I am with him, I might be dreaming. Or in a coma. Maybe dead. This seems too perfect to be reality. “I’m good,” I breathe. I’m not lying, I’m fucking awesome. Him trying to check in mid make-out session makes my head feel fuzzy. Made even worse by how sure I am that he really cares what my answer is. If I said no, he’d stop. No question about it. It’s a bit of a head rush.

I’m feeling a dozen different things, angry and hurt aboutmy brother, embarrassed by how affected I am by things that have already happened, and more turned on than I’ve been in my life. It’s an interesting cocktail, but I’m sure I want this. Wherever it’s going, I’m in.

“I don’t want to push you past what you’re comfortable with.”

That. That right there is why I’m good. “You won’t,” I say with complete confidence.

Christ on a cracker, he smells so fucking good. Would it be super weird if I pressed my nose into his neck and just inhaled him?

Scratch that, it sounded weird even to me.

I do draw back so he can see the honesty I know is in my eyes. “Chase, you won’t. If you’d feel more comfortable slowing down, or you’re not actually into me or whatever, we can cool it.”

He chuckles, which is not the reaction I was expecting. Is it funny that I ever considered him interested in me? Does he think this is just a silly little lapse in judgment? I will die of embarrassment. What am I thinking? I have to live with this guy.

“You’re so fucking adorable, sometimes it’s hard to believe you’re real. Interested is not the word I would use.” My stupid heart sinks. I’m a fucking idiot to have gotten my hopes up, I can’t?—

“It doesn't nearly capture how I feel around you. Captivated, maybe. Enchanted. wonder-struck. Those would be much more descriptive.”

Warm tingly feelings that should have no place here, considering the length of time I’ve spent with this man, spread all the way to my toes. Just for now, even if only for one night, I want to be Easton—boy with a crush that says he’s enchanting. The rest of it will keep. He’s more important. This moment with Chase outweighs all the unease andanxieties, nightmares and fears. His uncanny ability to help me put things into perspective is the dose of reality I desperately need, but more than that, he’s him. Kinder than I deserve, so fucking thoughtful, the lighthouse guiding me away from turbulent seas to the safety of the shoreline.

At least when he’s not making my blood threaten to boil over with the lust darkening those eyes that have been the center of my obsession for years. “You can’t just say stuff like that to me, Chase,” I whine. He’s got to stop being so damn wonderful. It’s fucking with my head.

“Think I don’t mean it?” he asks, a playful lilt to his voice.

The answer seems obvious to me, but he doesn’t seem to agree. “Don’t be silly,” I admonish. “Of course not.”

He huffs, “Sweetheart, you have no idea,” before pulling me into a soul-searing kiss. Whatever response I was going for dissolves on my tongue. Couldn’t have been important anyway, to hell with it. Our first kiss was more exploratory, maybe my skepticism of his interest in me was holding us back. Maybe we were trying to figure each other out. Who fucking knows, but someone dumped kerosene on us this time. He’s not pulling punches, and I have no intention of it either. We clash in a tangle of tongues and teeth and heat. Time starts to still, there is only him and this kiss that I hope never ends.

Chase trails light kisses over the corner of my mouth and down my jaw, making me lightheaded. “Tell me what you want, Easton,” he demands.

Words, words. Say words. “I—ahh,” I stumble as he sucks on a sensitive spot on my neck. His hands are like iron where he holds me and the combination of sensations is short-circuiting my brain. “You.” It’s the only thing that I can settle on. Him. However and whatever he wants.

I hear him chuckle darkly against my flesh, making goosebumps break out over my arms. My fingers slidethrough his soft inky hair and pull him back to my lips. I fucking need him. Chase devouring me, Chase consuming me. He dominates the kiss and I’m more than happy to let him. If I had to stop and make any decision right now, we’d be dead in the water.

Rough hands slide down my spine to my ass and squeeze. I make an embarrassingly needy sound, somewhere between a whine and a moan. “I’ve got you,” he assures me between kisses.

His hands go lower to the tops of my thighs before he lifts me up. My legs lock around his waist without breaking our connection as he walks us to the couch. He lays me down, oh so gently, before positioning himself over me. His kiss turns ravenous and when he bites down on my bottom lip, I gasp. It wasn’t hard enough to hurt, but he still gentles it with softer sucking to take the sting away.

My dick is so hard it aches. I just hope he doesn’t notice how desperate I am for him. Nothing has ever felt like this before. If I ever convinced myself that my relationship made me sexually experienced, I was delusional. Because with Chase Adler hovering above me, nose to nose, his glacial eyes molten with lust is the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.

His gaze trails over my body hungrily, like he wants to eat me alive. When he sees my rock-hard dick pushing against the confines of my jeans, embarrassment heats my cheeks. The guy I’ve liked for-fucking-ever probably thinks I’m a damn virgin with how worked up I am. Slowly, so slowly my heart threatens to give out, he meets my eyes with a cocky grin on his handsome face. Stupidly, I’m expecting him to say something. Tease me somehow. It’s what he would have done. Though, I’ve never wanted it with him like this.

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