Page 44 of When I'm Gone

To me, this house makes a lot more sense now that I’m not living in it. Her cramming all the beds she can fit so that we always come back to stay, bring our friends or future families, that makes sense.

“Chase?” Easton asks, breaking me out of my thoughts.

He looks nervous. Mentally, I steel myself. When Easton looks nervous to tell me something, it’s a safe bet that it’ll be shocking. “What is it, sweetheart?”

“Can I talk to you about something?”

I flip my arm over in his lap to give him more artwork to trace. “Anything,” I promise.

“You have to promise not to tell my brother. I’m not there with him.”

Easton eyes me warily like he’s not sure if that’s going to be a hard choice for me. “I respect where you’re at with Brady, Chaos. Anything you tell me stays between us.”

He sucks in a shaky breath. “I’m sure he’s told you we were really sheltered growing up, me more than him, I think, because they trusted him. Then after—” He clears his throat, and I pretend I don’t hear the catch in it when he said after. “I was only a kid, I didn’t know much about the real world. I thought I’d figured a lot of things out, but since being around you, I’m not so sure anymore. There’s no one else I can talk to about how confused I am. I know it’s making my mental health so much worse. I just need to understand.”

If someone offered me a check for ten billion dollars to explain any of what he just said, I couldn’t do it. “All right. I will do my best to help.”

“I had a boyfriend, we were together for years. He was older than me, way more experienced, so I always believed him when he said this was the way things were supposed to be.” Jealousy flares hot in my gut, but I can’t help fixating on that word. Older. He was sixteen when he got kicked out, there’s not much older that wouldn’t make his boyfriend a child predator. “He was really charming, taking me on romantic dates and saying the sweetest things to me. We lived together almost the whole time we dated, and that’s when I started to get these weird feelings when he’d say or do something, but there was always a reason. You know?”

I truly do not. “I’m not sure what you’re getting at, honey.”

He blushes a pretty pastel pink and ducks his head. Iguess he likes the pet names. “Yeah, I’m not sure what I’m getting at either. I just need to understand.”

I decide we need to change tactics. He’s massively confused, so it’s time for me to start asking uncomfortable questions so some of the pressure is off him. “Okay. When was the first time you got that feeling that you remember?”

His restless fingers have gone over my tattoos twice, but he doesn’t cease. “Right after I moved in, he wanted me to quit the job I got at this scummy diner bussing tables.” I raise an eyebrow and he rushes to justify it. “He made more than enough money for the two of us and he was worried about me working in a bad part of town, so I understood. Plus, he said he missed me too much when I was at work when he got home.”

The red flags, they are a-wavin’. In the interest of not overwhelming him, especially so early in what seems to be a very important conversation, I keep it pushing. “And that made you feel weird?”

He sinks down beside me on the bed, eagerly, I fold him into my arms. “Yeah. I was so excited to have a job. I didn’t want to give it up, but he was so upset with me for days. I didn’t want to hurt him.”

“Okay. When he was upset with you, what did that look like?”

There’s an unmistakable feeling of dread that tells me I know how this story ends, but Easton needs to get it out. It’s weighing on him so heavily. “That time, he would barely even acknowledge I was alive. He stopped driving me to and from work, and didn’t talk to me. I was so scared I ruined everything.” A full-body shudder shakes him so I squeeze him a little tighter.

I knew as soon as he said his boyfriend was older that he was probably taken advantage of, but hearing it and seeing how it still haunts him is a hard pill to get down. “So, he was worried about you working in an unsafe area but stopped making sure you got there and got home okay?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” he muses softly.

I’m not a particularly violent guy, no one except my sister’s piece of shit baby daddy has ever made me even consider it as an option, but that short list just got a little longer. For the first time, I question if I should keep turning over these stones when I know I’m not going to like what I find underneath. But Easton needs this. That’s all the motivation I need to keep going.

“You asked me earlier if I ever fought with my ex, was that because he would yell at you when you did something he didn’t like?”

His tracing gets a little shakier. “That’s where it started.”

“Where did it end?” I ask tightly around the boulder in my throat.

He sniffs against my chest. “Last week, I was sick. Some flu I couldn’t shake. I could barely get out of bed. But he was so embarrassed that I bailed out of going to some dinner with one of his big clients that he came home drunk, turned the lights on and started yelling at me, and we had sex after I told him no. The next day, he found me asleep in bed when he got home from work and laid into me. I had to sleep outside.”

I have to sit up a bit to combat the wave of nausea that threatens to take me out. There is no such thing as sex after one party says no. And he had to sleep outside? Fuck, I’m not cut out for this.

“Are you okay? I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m sorry, Chase.”

The panic in Easton’s eyes keeps me from going off the rails. I have to keep it together. I can’t have him clam up on me. “No, don’t be sorry. I’m okay. I promise, I’m okay.”

“Do you want me to go lay in the other bed so you don't have to look at me?”

The resignation in his voice is earth shattering. I never want to hear it again. Taking his face in my hands, I force myself to speak normally. “Easton, that is never what I want. Not now, not tomorrow, not any other day that comes after. I’m sorry that I made you feel like you should be comforting me when you’re the one who's having trouble processing things. I’m so fucking grateful you told me what you went through. You're so strong, and I think deep down, you know the answers that you’re looking for. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be so hard for you to talk about.”

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