Page 43 of When I'm Gone

He groans, and if I thought he was enchanting before, it has nothing when he’s frustrated and needy. Then he does the damn thing. First, the gentlest brush before he gets his confidence. One hand snakes up to cup the back of his head, but I want him to set the pace. I’m not sure I’ll ever have enough. He deepens the kiss as his tongue peaks out of his mouth and starts tangling with mine while my brain goes fuzzy. Easton is the most delicious thing I’ve ever tasted.

Fuck, the sounds he makes. Soft, content sighs and needy little mewls like he can’t decide if he wants to kiss forever or try it without clothing in the way.

“Mom says dinner’s ready!” Parker bellows down the stairs, causing us to break apart. We’re both struggling to catch our breath while Easton flushes a pretty shade of pink.

He ducks his head into my neck and groans. “No offense, but fuck your brother,” he mumbles.

I press a chaste kiss to the top of his head. “Let’s run him over with his own ugly Jeep. That’ll show him.”

The comment does its intended purpose in making him laugh. “Don’t give me any ideas.”

Making Easton Callaghan happy might just be the best thing I’ve ever done.

~~~

Upstairs, my siblings and I are clueless as to why we're gathered for some big announcement, but the general consensus seems to be that Dad made lasagna, so it can’t be all bad. We're optimists. Or hungry. Who’s to say. Mom and Dad look anxious about something, though.

“All right, guys, it was important to me and Dad that you guys are all together because we have some exciting news about something.”

It was smart of them to do this over dinner. It’s a small miracle that we all manage to look up from our plates. She swallows heavily and looks at my dad for reassurance with a nervous smile.

“We thought our family was complete, but as it turns out, I’m due in February. You guys are getting another brother or sister. I know it's sudden. But we're excited, and we hope you guys are happy about it too.”

Clamor erupts, covering my shock thankfully. Congratulations and hugs are given freely as my siblings rush Mom and Dad. It’s hard to pick out any one thing they’re saying as they all talk over each other, lobbing questions and various bits and bobs left and right rapidly. But I can’t stop thinking about the risks. My mom is forty-seven years old, in the prime of her life and career. Pregnancies are dangerous for women ten years younger than her. My own callousness scraps painfully against my subconscious as soon as the thought pops into my brain, but to hell with whatever potential little sibling if it’s going to risk her health. We don’t exist without her, she’s annoying and more maternal than any human should be, but she’s my mom. The crazy woman who remembers the exact minute each of her kids were born, and makes sure to either call or see us every year so she can tell us how much she loves us at the moment she was gifted oursouls to watch over. She says it every time without fail. It’s the cheesiest shit I’ve ever heard, and I’d be lost without it.

Something squeezes my thigh, interrupting my spiral, and I look down to see Easton’s thin hand on my leg. He’s got a soft look in his eyes, careful and concerned, like he can hear the worries plaguing my thoughts. The connection to him feels much more intimate than it should, the way he’s looking at me, I could swear he’d try to kiss me again if we were alone.

“Chaser, what do you think, darling?” Mom asks, throwing a wet blanket over the heat growing in Easton’s eyes.

I clear my throat and look at her across the table, scrambling for something positive to say when I’m not sure if there are any. “Um,” I stammer as I scratch the back of my neck uneasily. “A new baby is a huge deal, I’m happy for you guys, and obviously I’m going to love the hell out of him or her.”

There, that wasn’t so bad, I hope. Mom’s lips tilt in a crooked grin so I must have done okay. Something occurs to me that I have no way to hold back before it comes rushing out. “Wait, does this have anything to do with your heart thing, Dad?”

“Quick as a minute, aren’t you, bud?” He scoffs before reluctantly adding, “The news came as quite a shock, and the damn doctor said it was related to anxiety, so I don’t want to hear about me having a bad heart. I am fine, strong as a horse, just a little surprised to have another little one on the way at my age.”

Relieving, for sure, but now my concern for him can be fully directed to my mom. “I’m glad that’s all it was, pops.”

Dinner continues on an upbeat note, filled with the chatter I associate with family meals. No one else seems concerned about Mom’s pregnancy, which I guess meansthat I’m overthinking it. She’ll be fine. She’s done this four times before with no problems. One more can’t be that bad.

Easton is rapidly running out of steam, those stormy eyes getting heavier despite his best efforts to keep interacting over dinner, and I am officially done socializing for the day. I love my family more than anything on this planet, but damn, they can fucking talk. Today more than ever with the exciting news that I’m still trying to be excited by. As soon as it’s polite, I excuse both of us for the night and duck out. They’ll be up until who knows when talking baby names and possible genetic combinations like it’s all sunshine and roses. I can’t do it. There’s a reason I never moved home after college, and how polar opposite I am from them is a big part of it.

“Chase?” Easton asks tentatively after we’re sprawled out in bed, legs tangled. We didn’t bother even attempting separate beds.

He’s sitting at my waist with my arm in his lap, tracing my tattoos with his fingertips. “Yeah?”

I suppress a shiver as he goes over the script on my forearm that matches the ones that my sister and brothers have. “Are you okay with the whole new baby thing? It didn’t look like you were exactly happy out there.”

As often as I’m encouraging him to trust me, it wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t give him a mainline into my unfounded fears. “Honestly, it’s driving me insane that no one is talking about how much of a risk this is.”

He’s made it up to the kraken on my bicep now. It seems like having something to do with his hands is making it easier for him to communicate, which is a bit of information I file away for later use. “Maybe they’ve accepted it and just want to be happy, anyway.” It’s not an accusation against me, like it’s on me if I choose to be a downer, but more of a theory he’s been thinking about.

“I wish that were the case, Chaos. They just don’t really believe in borrowing trouble, so there’s no need to worry about things that may not happen. I’m the only one who skipped out on the eternal optimist gene.”

He hums. “I skipped that one too.”

“I know what it’s like to feel like you’re always raining on the Brady Parade. It isn’t easy.” His brother is family to me, I’d do anything for him. But he’s hard to keep up with through no fault of his own. I’m grateful for how he’s forced me out of my shell. College without him would have been a miserable experience, but sometimes I don’t want to look on the bright side. I don’t always need cheering up, just be allowed to be alone with my negative thoughts and have the space to work through them on my own.

Easton’s voice sounds thick. “It’s really not.” He seems to be considering something, chewing on his pouty bottom lip. I stare at the whirling blades of the ceiling fan while he works it out. Once upon a time, before my mom had kids living out of the house, this was my room. Once I got to Washington and fell in love with the area, I gave her full permission to turn it into a guest room. She cried, I did not. This room never really felt like mine enough that I wanted it to be a permanent reminder to the loneliest days of my life. Because I am the worst son, I never got some of the boxes she packed for me. They’re still in the closet.

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