Page 5 of Riding My Dragons

If I didn’t want him to…!Looking at Elliot, exposed from the waist up, the most magnificent piece of manliness I’d ever seen, I couldn’t imagine ever not wanting him to touch me,hold me, kiss me…“It’s nothing you did, Elliot.It’s just that I’ve never…”

“What?” said Elliot, smiling a little, understanding–or thinking he understood.“Never been with a Scaler guy?Oh, Jenna, that’s all right.Really, listen, I won’t hurt…”

Waving a hand to stop him, I said, “No, Elliot it’s not that I’ve never been with a Scaler guy.It’s just that I’ve never…”I trailed off, embarrassed, mortified at what I was now having to confess.

“Never what?” said Elliot, perplexed again.“Never…”I saw the sudden realization in his eyes.“You mean you’ve never…?”

I looked off from him, suddenly wishing I could be invisible, and said nothing, answering his question with my silence.

He finished his thought.“Never been fucked.By anyone.You’re a virgin.”

Pathetically, I met his eyes again.“I’m sorry.”

Elliot held up a hand.“No, don’t be sorry.You’re, what, nineteen?Not everyone starts at the same age.It’s okay.”

“Really?”

He smiled sincerely at me.“Really.I shouldn’t have assumed anything.”

My voice cracked a little.He was reassuring me that I had nothing to be ashamed of, yet here I was, in a Scaler athlete’s apartment, feeling like the most naive and unsophisticated creature on Earth or Tellus.“You’ve probably never had to ask a girl if she was…”

Elliot rubbed at the back of his neck, which made him look even more sexy, and said, “Well, no, I’ve never had to ask that question.But listen, if you’re not ready, it’s fine.You shouldn’t do, or let me do, anything you’re not ready for.”

My eyes were wet, and in spite of my trying not to let the tears flow, one got away and rolled down my cheek, which made me feel even worse.“I’m so sorry, Elliot.”

“Don’t be sorry,” he replied.“We were just talking about being all right with who we are, weren’t we?Nothing to be sorry about.Do you want to go?”

“Maybe I should,” I said with a sigh, feeling defeated by my stupid, inexperienced self.

He motioned to the door.“Let me see you out?You’ve got transit fare to get back to the University, right?”

“I’m good,” I said as he led me across the apartment, though at the moment I felt anything but good.

We paused as we reached the door.“Okay then,” said Elliot.“Look, Jenna, I’m really glad we got to spend this time together anyway.And I’m glad you enjoyed the fight.You know, I’m racing tomorrow.I’ll bet it’ll be transmitted to the University for people who are still there.Maybe you can watch.And sometime, maybe, call me–if you decide you’re ready.”

I almost couldn’t find my voice.He was being so sweet.“Okay.”

“Really,” said Elliot, as sincere as ever.“And if you do decide you’re ready, Jenna…I’ll make it good.I promise.”

My heart sank with regret.Look at him, I thought.How could he make it anything but good?“Okay,” I said.“Thank you.”

Elliot kissed me one more time–softly, warmly, gently.I touched him on his big, strong shoulder.I felt like such a fool.But Elliot let me out with a smile, and I stepped from his apartment out into the corridor.Hanging my head, I started for the elevator to the lobby, and felt as if I were giving a new meaning to the expression, walk of shame.

This was the second time I’d backed out of sex.The first time was back on Earth, in high school, with the boy that Iwas dating there.I really wanted to let him–or at least I thought I did.But as the time we’d planned got nearer, doubts began to surround my mind and close in on me.What if it wasn’t really the right time?What if he wasn’t really the right one?What if I let it happen and then regretted it?And what if I wasn’t good enough, or we weren’t good enough together?Suppose we both ended up regretting it?

It was an unlikely idea.I was pretty sure he would not regret it.But the doubts ganged up on me and beat me down.I couldn’t do it.That was the end of that relationship; he was too disappointed to go on seeing me.And afterwards I seriously questioned myself.Why had I backed out?Why had I not let it happen?And the answer that came to me made me feel so foolish.I was holding out for perfection, for a guy that I was sure was perfect.I wanted my first time to be something that didn’t exist:perfection.

Realizing that, I stopped in my tracks.My mind was lit up with an epiphany.Perhaps there was no such thing as perfect, but there sure as hell was such a thing as excellent!And what I’d backed out on this time was nothing less than excellent.It was an excellence that so many girls and plenty of guys would practically, fight, kill, or die for.And I, with my stupid, virginal little self, had actually walked out on it.

Frowning hard, clenching a fist, I told myself, No.I spun on my heels and marched back to the door of that apartment.No, you will not deny yourself this.No, you will not walk away from what’s excellent.No.No.No…

I hit the little light by the apartment door and sounded the bell.A few seconds later, the door opened, and there he was–more awesome and magnificent than before.Elliot had undressed further.He had stripped down to just a thong, in whose pouch was a massive bulge that made me gulp again.

“Yes?” said Elliot, welcomingly.

“Is it all right if I come back in?” I asked.

He turned up one corner of his mouth, so sexily.“Are you sure?You shouldn’t, if you’re not sure.”

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