Page 45 of Gratification in Gluttony

“But when you’re on the inside, it’s all rainbows and glitter,” Toni said.

“You’ve been in love?” Jude asked.

Now, Toni had had quite a few long-term relationships, and he’d been in love for most of them. Love didn’t have to be permanent to be real. Some love just didn’t last as long as others. He didn’t believe duration or outcome made the feelings less valid.

So, he said, “Yeah, I’ve been in love tons of times. There was this girl a few years back. We were together for a while, and I thought maybe I’d do the whole wife-and-kids-thing with her.But she didn’t feel the same way, so we broke up. She’s married now with a kid on the way, just with some other guy.”

“Mazel tov,” Jude said.

“I don’t know what that means,” Toni admitted.

“Congratulations, essentially.”

“Ah, then yes. All the mazel to her tof.”

“Tov,” Jude corrected.

“Whatever,” Toni dismissed. “What I mean is, I don’t think she didn’t love me just because I wasn’t the guy she wanted to be with forever. And I loved her, even though we didn’t work out in the end. And I loved a guy before her, and before him, there was a—I don’t know how you say it in English. But a person, you know, like Zef—”

“Non-binary?” Jude offered.

“Sure. A non-binary person. I loved them too. I know some people think love ain’t love unless it’s forever, but it feels kind of invalidating to what I felt when I was in those relationships, you know? Just because it didn’t work out in the end or didn’t last shouldn’t mean that it wasn’t love.”

Jude was quiet a moment, like he was choosing his words carefully. “I think one reason people feel that way is because they want love to mean something bigger. For it to be special. And if you love a lot of people, maybe they think it takes away from what love can mean?”

“Fair enough. And for them, maybe that’s what love feels like. It just ain’t that way for me. I can love a lot of people without cheapening what it means. And not loving someone anymore shouldn’t mean that I didn’t love them before. Just because I loved someone before doesn’t mean loving someone new means less. Love ain’t that small, baby.”

“Hmm, love’s not that small,” Jude echoed. “I like that. I think we make love small because if we accept the nuance and depth to it, it’s too scary.”

“Everything in life’s scary. I just don’t like living afraid,” Toni said.

“Easier said than done.”

Toni chuckled, hoping to add levity as he said, “I don’t think you got to worry about living in fear. You cut off your own tits so you could fully live as yourself. That’s pretty fucking brave.”

When Jude spoke, his voice was thick. “Thanks, Toni. I don’t always feel brave.”

“Doesn’t mean you’re not.”

“I’ve never been brave with love or whatever. Not that I had much opportunity. Dating before my transition was kind of awful. It felt wrong having people want me when I existed in a body that never felt like mine. Then after transitioning, it posed another set of equally difficult circumstances.”

“How so? If you don’t mind me asking.”

The line crackled, like Jude was changing positions. “I don’t mind. Uh, dating can be complicated, even when I’m dating within my own community. Some cis-guys don’t take me seriously as a man because I have a vagina. Women are usually more accepting, but it’s a mindfuck for me when someone who, say, identifies as a lesbian is into me. Because then it’s like maybe she sees me as not completely a man, if that makes sense.

“And it hasn’t always been that way. I’ve had really good, validating experiences with people. Like Oliver. He was really great. We just weren’t, like, romantically compatible, you know?

“And in the years since I left home, I’ve been in school and transitioning, which is a lot. And dating on top of that just felt too overwhelming. Too risky, maybe. So, I didn’t. I found people to hook up with to scratch the itch, but never more than that.”

Toni could relate to that a little. The last six months or so had been nothing but strangers in back rooms or booty calls when he was feeling restless. It wasn’t that he’d gotten jaded by his failed relationships. In fact, he looked back on each and every one ofthose relationships, thankful for the time he’d had with those partners, grateful for what he’d learned—about life and himself—because of them.

To be honest, he loved being someone’s boyfriend, loved the wooing and the seduction, loved having someone in his space, someone to go to the movies with or sit on the couch with and watch bad reality TV. He was kind of a hopeless romantic all things considered.

The problem was that he tended to throw himself into things without thinking of the consequences. He was impulsive and got attached quickly, which was a lot for some people. He was an all or nothing kind of guy, and not everyone was into that.

Which was okay. He wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but that didn’t mean he was a bad flavor. He was, as Gem liked to say, an acquired taste, and Toni was willing to wait for the type of people who had the right palate.

And that had led to him slutting around the Pentagram the past few months, which had been fun. But he wanted more from Jude than a quick fuck. Maybe it was fixation, because Jude was human; he was different and new, which excited Toni on a level he hadn’t felt in a long time. Or maybe there was something in Jude that called to him.

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