Page 106 of Gratification in Gluttony

Toni made his way up to the loft, brushing hay off his jeans as he settled himself at the edge beside Jude, mere inches separating them. From this vantage point, Toni realized they had a perfect view of the coming sunrise.

“Didn’t take you as an early riser,” Toni said.

“I’m usually not,” Jude said, chin propped on his raised knee. “But whenever I come here, I try to see the sunrise at least once. I can’t ever see it in Chicago, not really. There’s too many buildings in the way. It hits differently out here.”

Rubbing the chill from his exposed arms, Toni dangled his legs over the edge. “You’ve been here a lot, huh?”

“Not a lot, but once Oliver and I became friends, he invited me to come home with him for the holidays.” Jude shrugged. “It wasn’t like I had anywhere else to go.”

“I hear that,” Toni said, and Jude nodded knowingly.

They lapsed into silence as the indigo sky turned violet. Toni could tell Jude was gearing up to say something, something important, so he waited, picking at a frayed thread in his jeans.

“Do you remember when we talked about love?” Jude asked, and Toni clasped his hands between his thighs to warm them.

“Which time?” Toni joked, and Jude smirked.

“When I said I’d never been in love.”

“I remember.”

“I lied,” Jude whispered, and Toni’s gut tightened.

When Jude didn’t continue, Toni swallowed thickly and prompted, “Oh?”

“Oliver and I didn’t work as boyfriends because we weren’t compatible romantically. Because he didn’t feel that way about me.” Jude ducked his head, jaw working. “Notbecause I didn’t feel that way about him.”

And,oomph, that hit like a ton of bricks. It also brought some clarity, the lightbulb flickering to life in Toni’s mind, and everything else fell into place. “Does he know?”

Jude shook his head. “No. Not the… extent of it. We dated briefly, and it was fun. But we wanted different things, and he suggested being casual. I knew I couldn’t do that, so I said we should just be friends. And we were. Weare. He’s my best friend, Toni.”

“I know,” Toni said, watching the violet lighten to magenta. “That’s why you didn’t want to tell him. About us. Right?”

With a wince, Jude hugged his leg tighter to his chest. “Not entirely. I don’t—” Turning abruptly to face him, Jude took his hand, expression fierce. “I don’t love him like that anymore, and I haven’t for a really long time. I hope you can believe me.”

“Why wouldn’t I believe you?”

“Because the pining friend who’s ‘over it’ is never actually over it, right?” Jude said bitterly. “But I am. I love Oliver because he’s the first family I’ve known since my parents disowned me. He was the first person who was safe, who felt like home. And I will always love him for that. I can’tnotlove him for that.”

Jude’s expression turned pleading. “But I’m not in love with him. And when me and you started… what we started, and Oliver fell hard and fast for Liel, I was scared of things changing. I knew if I talked to him about it, about you and me, about him and Liel, that things wouldn’t ever be the same. And it terrified me.” He massaged Toni’s fingers, chin trembling. “Not because I’minlove with him, but because he’s—he’s just—”

“He’s your Gem,” Toni said, and Jude blinked up at him in surprise.

“You said you were never in love with Gem?”

“Technically, I wasn’t. There’s different types of love, but I didn’t always know that. I was a kid from a rough family who’d never had what Gem offered. Acceptance, support, unconditional love. He was my safe place, and I thought the only way we could be that to each other was if I loved him like that. Why do you thinkIsuggested we fuck? I thought that was how I was supposed to love him,” Toni said with a sheepish chuckle, and Jude smiled with him. “But then we kissed, and it felt all sorts of wrong. It helped me see that Gem and I could be whatever we chose to be to each other, and it didn’t invalidate the love we shared. Because love ain’t that fucking small.”

Jude’s eyes were wide and wet as he clung to Toni’s hand like a lifeline. The sunrise streaked the skies in yellows and pinks, painting Jude’s face in multicolor, and Toni didn’t think he’d ever seen anything more beautiful.

“Toni,” Jude said, quiet as a secret in the dark, “I don’t think I know how to love like that.”

“Oh, baby, you underestimate yourself.” Toni cupped Jude’s cheek with his free hand. “Listen to me. There may always be a part of you that belongs to Ollie. Because of what he meant to you when you needed him most, and what he means to you still. And I’m never gonna ask for that piece ’cause it ain’t mine to have.

“The same way I will always love Gem because of who he was and is and always will be to me. But that don’t mean I loveyouless. It’s different, but not less. I don’t love you like I love him. Or like how I’ve loved people before. I love you how I loveyou, and baby, that’s fuckingyours, you hear me? It’s all yours.”

A tear glistened on Jude’s cheek, reflecting the light of the rising sun, and Toni smiled. “And if you ever wanna love me too, then that’s gonna be mine, and I’m gonna keep it for as long as you wanna give it to me. Because, Jude, our love can be that fucking big!”

With a strangled sound, Jude launched himself at Toni, wrapping his arms around his neck and crashing their mouths together. It hurt, but it was a good kind of hurt, and Toni gave as good as he got.

---