Page 93 of Gratification in Gluttony

“That’s not—” Jude tried, and Toni cupped his face, smiling sadly down at him.

“Maybe it’s not, but it sure feels that way to me. And it fucking sucks, Jude.” Jude’s eyes watered at Toni’s honesty, and Toni hated putting that expression on his face. “I ain’t mad, baby. Okay? But I can’t stay in that room. What happened—” Toni’s voice caught, and he cleared his throat and laughed humorlessly. “That meant something to me, okay? And if it didn’t to you, that ain’t your fault. But I can’t change that either. So maybe we need to call it, because I don’t think I can keep doing this.”

“Toni,” Jude whimpered.

“I’m half in love with you already, you know? Ain’t that fucking stupid?” Toni laughed again, and it was wet and thick. “But that’s on me too. I love big; I always have. And I’m sorry if that’s too much for you.”

The toilet flushed, and Toni was running out of time. “Listen to me. You’re almost done with your summer school, and you gotta finish strong, because you’re so fucking smart, Jude. So you finish it, and you finish it right. And after—” Toni’s voice broke again, and he growled in frustration. “And after, when you figure out what you want, give me a call. You got my number.”

“Toni, don’t—” Jude tried again, but Toni cut him off with a painful kiss.

“Ollie’s almost done,” he said against Jude’s mouth. “We’re out of time, baby.”

“I-I—Toni, I—”

“It’s okay.” Toni kissed him for what he hoped wouldn’t be the last time. Then he opened the front door and stepped into the hall. “You said from the start what this was, and it’s my fault we’re here right now. I just couldn’t stay away. Then I thought I could change your mind, and that’s on me. So just… It’s okay.”

A single tear glistened on Jude’s cheek, and it broke Toni’s heart. “I don’t know what to do,” he said, and Toni offered him another miserable smile.

“When you figure it out, let me know. I got time. Just promise me something?”

Jude nodded. “Anything.”

“Get some sleep.” He reached out and traced the shadows under Jude’s eyes. “You gotta take care of yourself.”

“Toni.”

“See you around, bitesize.”

The door to the bathroom opened right as Toni ducked out of the loft, shutting the door firmly behind him. He stood there for a moment, trying to quell the overwhelming emotions roiling like a maelstrom in his gut.

He heard Oliver say, “Who was that?”

Jude sniffed but didn’t answer.

“Jude? Who was that?” Oliver repeated.

Toni waited, a tiny spark of hope fighting for its last breath.

With a shaky exhale, Jude blew the spark out as he said, “UberEats. They had the wrong apartment.”

And Toni sighed in resignation. He didn’t wait around to listen longer. He turned away and left his human—who wasn’t actuallyhishuman at all, was he?—behind.

The whole journey back,Toni rang Gem, but Gem didn’t answer. Toni felt like a complete and utter asshole as their argument played over and over in his mind. And it was all his fault, the whole thing. Gem had just been trying to help, trying to share in Toni’s excitement while also being a voice of reason. Toni had gotten defensive and succumbed to his temper, like he tended to do, and he needed to fix it.

He got off the train at Lust station and rode the tram to Gem’s place. It was late, but not late enough that Gem would be asleep. So when he knocked on the door and heard no response, he frowned.

“Gemmy?” Toni knocked again, listening for a sign that Gem was home and maybe just ignoring him. But it was dead silent inside.

Settling on the floor in front of Gem’s door, Toni leaned his temple on the wood and closed his eyes. He’d wait for Gem to come home, and he’d apologize. Hopefully, Gem would forgive him. You know, after reaming Toni out for being a total douchebag, and then maybe he’d hold Toni and tell him everything was going to be okay.

He didn’t mean to drift off, but he jerked into awareness as a body joined him on the floor, smelling like coffee and cinnamon and tobacco, like he’d been smoking. Which was weird, because Gem didn’t smoke. Usually.

But Toni didn’t care about that, because he just wanted to dive into Gem’s arms and stay there forever. He didn’t. He studied Gem’s profile as his friend stared at the floor between his raised knees.

“I’m sorry,” Toni said, because it had to come from him first. “I was a huge dick. Like, the biggest dick in the history of dicks. And not in the fun way.”

Gem’s chin trembled, his tiny, red eyes flooding with tears. “Thebiggestdick.”

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