Page 89 of Symphony of Salvation

“Go on.”

“You masquerade through life as though you are this whole and complete man. Powerful and confident and perfect. It’s bullshit. You don’t know who the hell you are half the time. You blow hot and cold. You want this date but don’t want to be seen with me. You chase me down, then push me away. You wantintimacy but cower in fear when it’s delivered. Your face betrays you, August. It’s expressive to a fault. It gives you away. There’s heat in your eyes but hate in your heart. Which is it? I’m too old for games.”

He was right on so many levels, yet his observation had flaws. I was not powerful or confident. I was weak and scared. But I did hide my true self from the world, showcased one side, and concealed another.

A woman at a nearby table laughed at something her dinner companion said. A clatter of dishes arose from the distant kitchen. The front doors opened, admitting a cold breeze and a family of four. In the corner, a group of men, who looked to be celebrating, lifted their glasses in a toast. The waiter bustled about, filling drinks, delivering food, and seating the newcomers. From the overhead speakers, Tony Bennett crooned about leaving his heart in San Francisco.

I absorbed the pace and pleasure of regular people enjoying regular lives as Niles’s words hit like bullets, cracking the mask and splintering the illusion.

“Too blunt?” he asked.

“No. But for the record, the hate is for me, not you. Everything about my life derives from someone else’s choosing, and in all fairness, Niles, it’s you who puts me on a pedestal. I’ve never claimed to be any of those things. It’s you who sees me as this superhuman figure to be revered. It’s you who compares himself to me, although I can’t understand why. Can’t you see my flaws?

“I’m at the whim of everyone else. I’m forty-one years old and still live at the mercy of my father. I didn’t get to choose my career. I didn’t get to choose if I wanted a child—and yes, I understand I was involved in the act, but I was unfairly deceived. I did my due diligence as a twenty-seven-year-old and asked all the right questions. The problem was believing the lies.

“Have you not listened to the disorder that is my life?” I laughed, but there was nothing funny about it. “I’m going to go prematurely gray at this point. I’m not qualified to raise a teenage girl. And you wonder why I struggle with this.” I motioned between us. “It goes against the grain of what’s expected of me, and Christ, do you know how often I’ve defied people’s expectations and done something for myself? Never. Not once in all my life. So yes, I’m off balance. I’m giving you mixed signals. I’m drawing you in and pushing you away. I’m trying to figure out how to fit romance with a man into my life, and at present, my life is upside down.”

Niles cut his gaze to the table, folding and unfolding a stray napkin.

“I’m trying, Niles. If it means anything, I want to see where this goes.”

In the back of my mind, a voice whispered,Where can it go? Once Constance is settled, you return to Chicago. Then what?

“Okay.” Niles lifted his chin, eyes full of compassion. “You’re right, and I’m sorry. If we’re being transparent, you should know I spent nearly two years with a man who kept me at arm’s length. He rarely showed affection and couldn’t return my love. Our relationship was never a secret, but all the same, I suffered from being kept outside a closed door. I told myself I would never go there again.”

“Koa?”

He nodded and scanned the restaurant, his pain on the surface. I’d had minimal run-ins with Constance’s English teacher, but Niles’s feelings for him were evident.

A twist of jealousy stirred my gut. I vowed then and there to do my best to ensure Niles didn’t feel that way again. But to do that, I needed to step it up.

When the waiter arrived to see if we needed anything else, I asked for the bill. “Together,” I told him. “I’m paying for this date.”

It was a simple word, a simple act of defiance against a parent who lived an ocean away, but it was enough to draw a smile to Niles’s face.

I still couldn’t find the strength to take his hand as we left the restaurant, but I kissed him in the parking lot, shrouded by early nightfall.

When we came apart, Niles studied the depths of my eyes as though trying to see the future and determine if I would one day break his heart. I feared I would. I feared it was inevitable.

“Come home with me,” he said.

“I shouldn’t.”

“Why not?”

“I have to prove myself first. I don’t want you to think I’m flaky.”

He leaned into me, chest to chest, our frosty breaths mingling. “Prove yourself tomorrow. Fuck me tonight.”

Brows darting up, I chuckled. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you use that word.”

“Then I guess you know how serious I am.”

And what could I say?

Chapter twenty-one

Niles

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