Page 64 of Symphony of Salvation

“Yes.”

“So you buried it?”

“No. I repressed it.”

A chuckle. “Right.”

“You have to remember, Niles, I spent my entire life being molded and shaped by my father into the man you see today. The act of free will and choice had been figuratively beaten out of me at age three. Maybe earlier. I’m forty-one years old and still fear disappointing my father.”

“Have you ever outright defied his wishes?”

“Yes. Once. When he insisted I marry Chloé after I got her pregnant.”

“How’d that go over.”

“Not well, but since they wanted a relationship with their grandchild, they got over it quickly.”

“Is Lincoln the only time you’ve been with a guy?”

A group of high school students exited the café, two boys and three girls, giggling and jostling one another, eating sticky donuts. They couldn’t have been much older than Constance. This was what I wanted for her. Carefree youth, not endless hours running scales until her fingers ached. Sugar and laughter and innocence.

“No. I’ve… There’ve been a couple of men, but it’s been a long time, Niles.”

“How long?”

“Since Constance was born. News in the music industry caught wind of Chloé’s and my scandalous affair and Constance’s subsequent birth. Chloé was a prima donna, one of Austria’s finest, filling concert halls and recording albums. My career was beginning to flourish. I was making a name for myself. We were important figures in the industry. Having a child out of wedlock might seem normal here, but in some circles in Europe, it’s frowned upon. My face was everywhere. People knew who I was, where I was going, and the messy headlines associated with me. I was in the spotlight more than I wanted back then. I couldn’t risk being disgraced if the public found out my secret. My father’s warning echoed inside my head, louder than the music I used to try to drown it out. So I decided to let that part of me go… until I saw you.”

“Huh.”

A jingle of keys. A door closing. A car starting.

Apart from the tiny interjection, Niles said nothing.

“Niles?”

“I’m trying to decide what that means for us.”

“Oh.”

Could there be anus? Not long-term. Didn’t he see that? My time here was temporary. I’d never been able to commit to a relationship with a woman, never mind that Niles was a man who’d made it clear he wouldn’t be shoved in a closet.

A car horn blared, startling me from my thoughts. A near fender bender a few dozen feet from where I sat drew people closer. Traffic stopped, but no one had been hurt, so the day quickly returned to normal.

“Are you outside?” Niles asked.

“Yes.”

“I thought you were at home.”

“I never said that. I’m in Peterborough.”

“What are you doing in the city?”

I thought of how I’d yelled at Constance before leaving the house, about the phone call from Chloé, about what should have been a festive day of Christmas shopping with my daughter. “Midlife crisis.”

“Again?”

I chuckled. “Forty-one’s a bitch.”

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