Page 49 of Power of the Mind

He sat motionless, staring with such sorrow I had to look away. I wanted to pull my hands free but didn’t. I wanted toexplain everything but couldn’t. I didn’t have the capacity to do more than sit there numb.

Why was he here? Why me, of all people?

“You really can’t do this, can you?” he said after a time.

What was I supposed to say to that?I told you so?

“No. I mean… It’s not that I don’t want to. I don’t know why you’ve ever looked twice at me. Any guy would be a fucking idiot to turn you away, but…”

“Then why are you turning me away?”

“I don’t want to. I want to be able to do this, but I can’t.”

“I don’t understand.”

And I couldn’t explain.

“Give me something, D. A reason. An explanation. I’m confused. You give every sign that you’re into me. You follow me around the city and sit outside my apartment. You show up at my door.”

Ashamed, I ducked my chin. “I know.”

“But you keep me at arm’s length. When I try to move forward, you retreat. Help me understand. Give me something, anything to help it make sense.”

“I’m not a good person.”

“Bullshit. You’re the only one who believes that because I certainly don’t.”

I stared at where he held my hands, wondering at the effortlessness of the simple action and why it was such a struggle for me. But I knew why. I was in therapy for a reason.

“PTSD.” It was a blanket statement that barely scratched the surface of my issues, but it was what he requested. Also, it was the first time in my life I’d admitted it out loud to anyone other than Dr. Peterson, who was the one who diagnosed me. Was admitting my shortcomings progress? It didn’t feel good. Would Tallus judge me?

When Tallus didn’t speak or acknowledge the confession, I stole a glance at his face. His expression showed confusion.

“What?” The growl in my tone was unintentional, and I regretted it. I tried again. “Don’t look at me like that… please.”

“You weren’t in the military.”

I frowned. “Of course not… It’s not just… It’s—”

“Did something happen when you were with the department?”

“You know it didn’t. Don’t feign ignorance.”

His focus moved to the prominent scar along my face, then to my disfigured ear. “Was itallyour dad?” he asked, quieter.

I pressed my lips together, neither confirming nor denying, which was answer enough.

“I’m sorry. I knew he was part of it, but…”

“Don’t be sorry. There’s… a lot more to it than that, but… I don’t… I’ve never known how to…”

I blew out a raspy breath and tore my hand free to scrub my face. “Tallus, as much as I want to do this with you, I can’t. Fuck. How can you even stand to look at me? How can you invite me in whenever I show up at your apartment. I’m completely incapable of… How do you not get frustrated when I can’t…”

Tallus chuckled. “Oh, believe me, Guns, you frustrate the fuck out of me. Don’t flatter yourself.”

The tension bled away. I almost wanted to smile with him, but I didn’t. Couldn’t. I was too ashamed. “I’m not good at talking about it.”

“You’re doing great. I think this is the most important conversation we’ve ever had, and for once, you’re using your words. Thank you.”

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