Page 82 of All Our Ghosts

I let my hands wrap around his. “That night, I don’t know what happened. I know he blamed it on me making fucking lasagna for dinner.” I feel the prickles on my skin as the memories start to overwhelm me. I take a deep breath, my eyes sliding closed, feeling Holden’s eyes bore into me in anticipation of whatever I’m about to say. “I ran that night. I found myself sitting in the same corner of my dining room, huddled away from him when I knew that it was just more than myself I needed to protect.”

My hand rests carefully over my stomach, the empty womb that should still be carrying my child today, haunting me. “I used to run, but as time went on, it was harder to get away from him and easier just to take it.” My chin wobbles and I know Holden can hear the shakiness in my voice. “He threw the dinner plates at me, barely missing me which only pissed him off more. I don’t remember what he was yelling at that point. I just remember that one moment I was reaching for the front door and the next he had me pinned against the shattered picture frames on the wall.”

I blink away the tears and hold my eyes closed for a moment trying to get the images to leave. Holden’s thumb swipes away the tears on my cheeks as he moves closer to me, the giraffe in his lap as I look up at him.

“It’s how I got the scar on my shoulder, glass dug too deep under the skin, but it was nothing compared to the pain I felt hitting the corner of the coffee table when he tossed me, calling me useless.”

He sucks in a breath, his free hand cupping my face. His eyes have turned glossy, and even though they feel soft, the muscle working in his jaw tells me he’s everything but. “I’m sorry,” Holden whispers.

I shake my head. “Don’t.”

“Sunflower,” he whines as I lean into his touch and wrap a hand around his wrist.

“Please just–” I suck in a breath, “just let me get through this.” I squeeze his wrist, pulling his hand from my face and tucking it in my lap. I need to feel him to keep me grounded and to avoid getting swallowed up by the memories I have been trying so desperately not to drown in.

With a deep breath, I steady myself. “A neighbor walking their dog heard the commotion.” I let out a soft laugh as tears trickle from my eyes. “Thank god for Mr. Capecci and his annoying terrier. He called 9-1-1. I don’t know how long it took for them to get there truthfully, but when Jeremy opened the door it was over.”

Holden grabs me and pulls me into his lap, hugging me close to his body. I want to push away. I don’t want to feel broken anymore. I don’t want to see the pity on anyone else’s face. Especially his. But he holds me tight and for once I let myself soak up his warmth and comfort. I bury my face into his chest, squeezing my eyes closed. “They told me the baby didn’t survivelike it was just any other diagnosis and now… My mother is dating the man.”

“She’s what?” He asks anger trickling into his words.

“The doctor who told me stitched me up–he was in the Bahamas with my mother.”

He pulls back to look down at me, his brows furrow as if to ask if I’m serious. I sigh.

“When I told you my mother hasn’t been my mother for a very long time, this was just the cherry on top. She chose Jeremy over me. She chose herself over my father after he died, forgetting the fact that I was twelve and still just a kid. Janice is not my family.”

“Jesus, Kade,” Holden breathes and his arms tighten around me. Silence washes over us for a few moments. “Why did you tell me this? Why now?”

I shift in his arms so that my legs straddle either side of his waist, wrapping my arms around his neck. “Because you should know that the scars I carry aren’t just visible on my skin. They aren’t marred flesh that can be hidden with clothes. They live deep within me and I don’t know how to heal them.” My voice trails off into a whisper. “And because they haven’t made me feel as nearly as strong as I do when I’m with you.”

“Baby, you’ve always been strong. You had to be to live through that shit,” he whispers. His hands tangle in my still damp hair, pulling me into him. “I should kill him for what he did to you,” Holden pauses, anger flaring behind his blue eyes, “what he continues to do to you.”

I press my lips to his tasting the saltiness of my tears mixed with his usual sweetness and a hint of tobacco before pulling back. “I’m scared, Holden,” My voice barely over a whisper. “I don’t want him to come after me. I don’t want to see him, and I’m scared that he’ll find out where I am.”

The idea has been weighing on me ever since the news junket and the brief stout with Holden had distracted me from the fear.But now that he’s back and that Jeremy has been radio silent since that day, it feels like everything is still crashing down on me in slow motion. I haven’t even turned on my phone since that day. I know Maria must be worried, but I can’t risk putting everyone in danger for one phone call. I also know how naive it is to hope that Jeremy will just forget about me.

“He’ll have to go through me before he gets to you again,” he says firmly. “No one is touching a hair on this beautiful head without suffering the consequences.” Holden dips his head to catch my eyes and wraps his fingers around the back of my neck. “You hear me?”

Warmth flutters in my belly at the conviction in his voice. His free arm twists around my waist, pulling me impossibly close to him. I relish the way he holds me and protects me. Even if over the last week he had been, what Cole called, ‘obnoxiously guard doggish’. But I love it. It makes me feel safe and like for once I can breathe.

Despite the scars that live deep within me, Holden makes me want to heal. He makes me want to forget what it was like to feel broken and unprotected. Every promise he makes, I know he will do everything in his power to keep.

"I hear you," I whisper, grazing my lips against his.

"Good," he rumbles, clearly satisfied with my words.

My hips roll against his, teasing the hard length that's pressed against my core. He pulls back to look at me, really look at me. His eyes flicker between my own as he searches for any hesitation. My tongue rolls over my bottom lip before I tug it between my teeth and I see him smirk.

"What's going through that pretty head?" He asks.

The grip he has on my neck tightens just for a moment like he's trying to hold himself back from tossing me behind him on the bed. Normally the idea would scare the shit out of me. Now? I want nothing more than that.

I want my power back. I want to know what it would be like to be in control for once. So when he leans in to nip at my lip, I plant both hands firmly on his shoulders stopping him. "Will you let me be in control?" I ask softly.

Holden's brows furrow for a moment. "You'll always have the control."

I shake my head. "I don't mean with my words, baby." I grind my hips down on him again feeling him between the thin pieces of cotton that separate us.

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