Page 68 of All Our Ghosts

Love.Hislove.

HOLDEN

“Kadence!” I scream after her. My body falls with hers, hitting the wood as she hits the water. “No! Kadence!” Everything in my chest feels tight. It heaves, watching the shine of the flashlight hit the water, the pitch-black water camouflaging her body below the surface.

She was so close. I had a fucking grip on her hand and the goddamn rain let her slip from my reach. I’m already soaked from the storm but I stand, tearing off my jacket and cut, tossing them to the ground. I stare down at the water, acutely aware of the quickly passing minutes I’m wasting. I know these waters, I know the bends and curves in the river, but with the storm and the water being higher than it normally is, it’s going to be difficult for me to be able to find her.

I’ll be damned if I give up on you.

Her words echo around me, taunting me. It only takes one flash of the look in her eyes to force me over the edge of the bridge. The air in my lungs dissipates as soon as the frigid water hits my skin. I fight for the surface, waiting until the current breaks enough that I can swim upwards.

I never thought I’d be thanking my military training until the moment my head breaks the surface and I gasp for air, filling my lungs.

“Kadence!” I yell again, a part of me knowing that she won’t answer but on the off chance that she’s okay, that she’s just made it to the surface. I have to scream for her. The current has picked up again, sucking me under. I open my eyes, trying to see anything within the bubbles and spray.

I only need a pocket, a spot in the river that isn’t as strong as the rest. That’s where I’ll find her. That’s where IhopeI’ll find her. My body slams into a log, forcing the air from me. This is my chance. I quickly wrap my arms around the log, holding on to it with everything I can.

My eyes sting from the rushing water as I press my boot to the wood, pushing off with all my strength and forcing myself upwards, breaking the surface just for another gasp of air before the current takes me further downstream. I move with it, kicking and fighting to keep above the surface. My eyes quickly scan the water and the treeline. Until I see it.

Something light colored within the darkness on a sandbar ahead of me. My heart hammers against my ribcage. It’s got to be her. I don’t know what I’m going to do if it isn’t. Why did I go to Alabama? Why the fuck did I leave her? Blinded by my anger, blinded by the mistrust I have in people. I couldn’t stay. I did what I always do and ran. Ran to get answers instead of hearing her out. Instead of trusting her, instead of keeping my fucking promise,I left.

I push my way through the current, getting over to the sandbar. She’s lying face down, her dress the only thing that caught my eye in the darkness. When I walked into Moon it was the first thing that caught my eye. My stubborn girl. In her purple dress and combat boots. I’m not sure if I wanted to kill her for wearing something like that in public or kill the menaround her whose eyes she had been completely oblivious to. Now? Now I’m thanking the stars for a damn piece of fabric.

“Kadence!” I climb onto the sandbar, crawling to her body.

The tightening in my chest returns when I realize that she isn’t breathing. Her back isn’t rising and falling with her breath. My hands hover over her for a moment, scared to touch her. Scared to find out that this is it. “Kadence, baby–” My throat tightens as my hand falls on her back. She’s cold. So fucking cold, but I hold it there for a moment pulling myself together before rolling her over.

Her lips are a terrifying shade of blue and her skin–I dip my head to her forehead. Her skin is so fucking pale. I feel that familiar sting in my eyes as I slide them closed. “Don’t do this to me,” I whisper to her. “Please, just–fuck, don’t do this to me.”

I lift my head to look at her again while the rain pelts against my back, stinging and unforgiving. My training takes over as my palms cross over each other in the center of her chest. Pain shoots from my wrist to my spine and it's only now I realize how fucking sore my left shoulder is from the jump. It takes everything in me to ignore the pain and start compressions. I focus on my hands, forcing myself to count instead of focusing on her pale frame.One, two, three– I continue until I reach thirty and tilt her head back, plugging her nose and pressing my lips to hers, blowing a few breaths into her and waiting.

“C’mon Sunflower,” I plead, continuing compressions again, “I need you to come back to me.” I start counting again,sixteen, seventeen, eighteen–tilting her head back, pressing my lips to her cold ones, blowing again.

I don't know how much time has passed but I repeat the process. Compressions, breaths, compressions, breaths. Pleading to her in every moment her chest doesn't move.

My heart stops the moment she finally splutters. Her eyes shoot open before she starts throwing up water and sand. I lifther shoulder, rolling her onto her side as I cradle her in my arms. "C'mon baby, get it out," I coax, my voice shaky and hoarse.

She finally coughs and lets out a pained groan. Her arms lift to mine wrapped around her holding on to me with whatever strength she has left. Her grip is weak and her fingers are barely a touch on my skin, doing nothing to quell the twisting ache in my heart.

"Cold," she whimpers as her green eyes slowly open to find mine. We're both shaking at this point but she buries against me stealing any warmth in my bones and right now I'd give her anything she needs. "It--hurts--" she rasps, her eyes fluttering closed again.

“No, baby, open your eyes for me. Please.” I move my hand to her cheek, turning her face to mine. “Baby, please,” I whine, kissing her forehead, her nose, her cheeks, “please open your eyes.”

They flutter open again and I can’t help but smile when her brows furrow and I get a glimpse of those green eyes again.

“Atta girl.” My lips press to hers before moving to her cheeks again. “I need to get you outta here.” I glance up looking around. “I’m gonna need you to work with me, baby, can you do that?”

My eyes find hers still glued to me though it felt like she was looking through me. Her expression blank. "Baby?" I slide my hand to her throat, feeling for her pulse as a whimper falls from her lips. My eyes close in brief relief, she was okay, at least for now. Her heartbeat is still weak but it was there and her chest was still moving as she sucked in shallow breaths. That's all I needed, just... for her to keep fighting.

"Alright, Sunflower, this is gonna hurt, baby, I'm sorry."

I shift my weight in the soft sand, the water still raging around us. The rain is still coming down in sheets making it hard to see but I can make out a clear line to the trees, shallow enough to trudge through. I slide an arm under her knees and the otherunder her arms before lifting her to my chest. She lets out a whine so sharp it pierces through me, tugging on what little strings I have left.

"I'm sorry," I whisper into her hair, holding her head to my chest. "I'm so fucking sorry."

I start carrying her towards the treeline. I can make out the dark shadow of the bridge in the distance even with the rain, thankful we didn't travel too far down the river. There aren’t many trails on this side but I know of one. I just have to get there. I shifted my weight evenly on the sand, trying my best not to fall with her in my arms. Flashbacks of carrying Fisher through the desert filter through my mind. Everything felt at stake then.

When you're in a situation like that it's a miracle that you end up leaving alive. That walk was blistering, the sun beat down on us as I carried him through enemy territory. But this? There is more at stake here. It isn't just my life or Fisher's I have to worry about. Yeah, I wanted to get us both out alive, but even then it was expected for us to die. For us to end up on a quick fifteen-minute memorial on the news, which, knowing the government I worked for, would have never happened.

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