Page 45 of All Our Ghosts

He finally blinks, breaking his staring contest with the wall. The tears that find home in the corners of his eyes fall and streak down his cheeks. His hands wring together in his lap as he nods, confirming my guess.

“She didn’t deserve to die,” Holden chokes out through a sob, the wall he’s keeping bricked around his emotions slowly starts to crumble, making my heart shatter. “She should still be here.”

My gut wrenches and tears sting my eyes as the herculean man in front of me breaks. A month of pent-up grief and sadness begins to flood his surface, and the more he wrings his handstogether, the more I can feel him turning into a ticking time bomb beside me.

I move and kneel in front of him, slotting myself between his thighs as I cup his face. A sob rips through him and I can’t help the one that falls from my lips as well. Seeing him like this tears me to pieces.

“Holden,” I whisper, trying to get him to look at me. His eyes squeeze closed as his head drops again. Tiny streaks of red fall onto my palm from where his cut has opened again, “Holden, please look at me.”

He shakes his head. “She’s dead because of me.”

I grip his chin between my fingers, sucking in a breath to keep me steady between his legs. I can feel myself crumbling on the inside. The words hit me like a freight train as the emptiness in my womb aches, words I cried over and over again in the hospital that day and no one told me otherwise. No one told me it wasn’t my fault.

Finally his eyes open, broken, blue, and devastated, they glint at me.

“You cannot blame yourself for her death,” I say, running the pad of my thumb under his eyes, careful to miss the gash as I wipe away the tears. His hands wrap around my wrists, pulling them from his face as his eyes narrow at me. Every brick that had crumbled forms back into place like some sick magic trick.

“How can you say that?” He snaps, the sadness flipping to anger so fast it almost gives me whiplash. “It’s just a coincidence that she ends up dead the night I get back?” He stands, stepping around me as I fall back onto my haunches, watching him pace the room.

“Holden, I didn’t–”

“Of course you didn’t! Because you don’t know.” That dangerous glare turns my way as I push myself up onto my feet.

I know where the anger is coming from but why he’s taking it out on me, I’m not sure. I also know what the flip looks like. The moment where they go from sweet and soft to pure rage and anger. Even after seeing Jeremy for what he is, I’ve still never got used to his switch.

“I never said I did,” I fire back at him, “but I know that taking on that kind of blame is only going to make you torture yourself.” My voice raises as he scoffs. “I may not know you very well, Holden, but I recognize pain when I see it. I know what it’s like to blame yourself for someone else’s actions and that the anger feels like a deep-rooted tree that’s just constantly on fire.”

“Yeah? You know what it’s like?” He steps towards me, making me step towards him. I’m not about to back down to another man, not this time. Not when I’m only trying to help him.

“Yeah, I do,” I snap.

He narrows those dagger-throwing blue eyes again. “You know what it’s like to feel completely fucking alone in a room full of people that are supposed to be your friends? Your brothers?” His chest heaves as he stares down at me. “You ever drown yourself in so much fucking pussy and alcohol that you forget who you are and wish for that feeling?”

Tears sting my eyes as he digs deeper at me.

“Stop it,” I hiss, “you’re pushing me away because it’s easier than letting me in.”

“No,sweetheart, you wanted to know me.” He seethes, taking another step towards me, the space between us quickly disappearing.

I stare up at the man who just went from sobbing on my bed to dead angry in front of me. My heart hammers in my chest. Rage bubbles in me as his assumptions begin to sink in. He kept his promise. He told me about the things he did. But I also kept my promise. I didn’t push him away or scream like this is somehorrible eighties horror movie. I ball my fists at my side as the two of us standoff.

He’s pushing me again and it’s my turn to push back.

Before I can stop myself, my hands fly up, shoving him in the chest, watching as he stumbles backward towards the door. My control finally snapping.

“Of course I want to know you!” I yell, unable to help the tears that fall down my cheeks and shove him again. “I’ve been here for a fucking week, Holden and all I can think about is you!” Another shove. “Who you are! Why you feel more like home than where I came from!”

He stumbles again, catching himself on the wall.

I take a deep breath. “Because you’ve managed to dig yourself so deep into my bones that I don’t–” The anger slips into choking back a sob as I pause. “I don’t know how I’m ever going to be able to leave this place knowing that I’m leaving the one person who finally sees me.” I dig a finger into my chest, angry that the tears have started again and that I can’t read the wide-eyed look on his face.

With a deep breath I feel another sob get stuck behind the lump in my throat. The night finally felt like it was catching up to me. Between dinner, Watson, and now him standing in front of me, flipping emotions like a two-sided coin, I’m exhausted.

“Kadence, I–” Holden takes a step towards me but it only makes me recoil away from him, stopping him in his tracks.

“Don’t,” I breathe a laugh. “I don’t think I can do much more emotional whiplash tonight.” I glance up at him, hugging my arms over my chest. “Maybe Cole was right. Maybe this is a mistake.”

Holden growls as he flies towards me cupping my face in his hands before smashing our lips together so forcefully it almost hurts. My hands tangle into the cotton of his shirt, a moan slipping from me as he pulls away, breathless and lips alreadybitten red. All of the tension melts away as we stare at each other.

---