Page 21 of All Our Ghosts

The line goes quiet for a few moments before Fisher groans. “What’s her name?”

My lips quirk into a grin, “Kadence. Won’t give me her last name, but you can run her plate right?”

“Jesus Christ, Nash.” Another sigh. “Yeah.”

“Great.” I stand, pulling the pack of cigarettes out of my cut pocket, lighting one and taking a long drag. “Papa-Tango-Charlie-4-6-2. You got that?”

“Yeah, I got it. Gimme a day or so and I’ll have something.”

“Thanks, Fisher.”

“We’re even after this, Holden,” Fisher warns.

“I know.” I take another pull off the cigarette, letting a stream of smoke flow from between my lips as I lean against my bike. The line goes quiet again and my brows furrow.

“I heard about Becca,” Fisher says. His tone is softer and more cautious than before. “I’m sorry.”

I swallow the lump quickly growing in my throat. I feel that unrelenting twist in my chest again but I don’t know how to respond. Normal people say thank you and move on with the conversation. But saying thank you is accepting the grief for me and I’m not ready to do that yet.

“Call me when you have something.” I manage.

“Alright.”

I hang up the line, stuffing the phone back into my pocket and take another drag off of the cigarette before flicking it onto the asphalt, stubbing it out with the toe of my boot. The nicotine does nothing for the heavy ball of emotion currently sitting in my stomach. I hate the feeling more than anything I’ve had to deal with. I have a hard time focusing on the things around me when it gets too weighty; my body feels like it's going to shut down, and everything starts to feel catastrophic. There are only two things that make me feel better, alcohol or meaningless sex,and as my gaze lands back on Kadence for the umpteenth time, neither of them seems appetizing.

The door to the clubhouse slams closed catching my attention as Cole saunters toward me across the parking lot.Great, I think, seeing the ever-familiar furrow in Cole’s brow.

“What games are you playing with her, Nash?” He fires off, Cole’s chest heaving as he comes to a halt in front of me.

Anger flares in me as I shake my head. “I’m not playing any games, Cole.” It’s only a partial lie but I recognize the flicker of rage that flashes across Cole’s face when I say it.

“Quit the bullshit. Kadence said—”

“For fuck’s sake,” I exhale, running a hand over my face, “Why do you care about her so fuckin’ much? Huh?” I snap, pushing myself off of my motorcycle standing toe to toe with him. “Seems to me you got a little crush on the new girl, O’Neil.” My words bite like venom through the heavy summer heat.

Cole’s nostrils flare, “There’s only one person I had feelings for, Nash and she’s fucking gone.” His tone is low and that weighty ball of grief in my stomach churns. I always had my suspicions about Cole and Becca and now they’d just been confirmed. All of her late ‘work nights’ suddenly started to make sense. “I’m not trying to replace her–I know that's what you’re thinking. We needed someone in that office and she needed help. That's. It.”

I search my best friend's eyes, taking a step back. It hits me that I haven’t been the only one still dealing with Becca’s death. We all grew up together, Becca being two years younger than us, but even so, she was glued to our hips, getting into the same trouble we were. Becca had a habit of being the ‘brains’ of our operations, meaning she’d give us stupid ideas and watch the two of us try to entertain whatever she’d concocted in that brilliant brain of hers. We always took the fall and never rattedon her to our parents or the cops. I should have known that it was only natural for her and Cole to grow close.

“I didn’t–” I start but stop as Cole shakes his head.

“It doesn’t matter now, Nash,” he sighs. “We both need to deal with our grief. We can do it together or on our own. It really doesn’t matter to me as long as you're doing it in a healthy way. Booze twenty-four hours a day and running through the roster of Moon girls, isn’t it.”

He isn’t wrong. Moon is the one place where I don’t have to worry about the brothers judging me for how much alcohol I consume or how many of the girls we call Lunas dance for me.

“I need to clean out the house, Cole. I just…” I swallow hard.

“The house will come with time. Get your mind right first. We’ll deal with the house later.”

I nod. This is why my friendship with Cole works. The two of us could be having a conversation out loud and a completely separate conversation just by the tone of our voices or the looks we share. We always understand each other and Cole calls me on my shit.

“I’m not playing a game with her,” I blurt. “I just don’t trust her.”

“I think the feeling is mutual, Pal. Just go easy on her? I get the feeling she’s running from something bad. I just can't figure out what,” Cole says, glancing behind him towards the office. Kadence is still nursing the fifth cup of coffee she’s had that day.

I think about telling Cole that I called Fisher but I know what he’ll say and then most likely would call Fisher himself to tell him to quit searching. “She’s skittish and that makes me nervous,” I admit, remembering the night before.

“I’m thinkin’ something is someone,” Cole muses, glancing over to me again.

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