Page 122 of Hunt for You

I shrugged. “He texted.”

“And what did you do?”

“Nothing. I haven’t answered him yet.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t know what to say!”

Gerald swallowed again and picked up his pen. “Have you tried…thank you?”

I squirmed in my seat and looked away from him. “No. Because I’m not sure that’s true.”

Gerald raised his chin. “You aren’t grateful that he listened and cared without judging you?”

“I don’t know. I mean… I’m glad he didn’t judge me. But he was trying to tell me how I was wrong and…”

“Bridget—”

“Don’t.”

We stared at each other and I hated this part, because I could feel him being careful, being nervous, worried that he’d upset me and I’d run. And even though that was exactly what I wanted to do, I was sofucking sick of people acting like I was going to break because it just made me feel even more fragile.

“See?!” I hissed at him. “You want me to tell you and then when I do, you get scared and now it’sDoes She Needan Institution?Well you can fuck right off, Gerald. You know Jeremy wouldn’t allow it.”

Gerald’s lips twisted. “I don’t think you need an institution, Bridget. I think you need ahug.And as for Jeremy…” He huffed and shook his head, and it was the first time I felt like smiling, because Gerald thought about as much of Jeremy as I did. It was the one subject about which we’d always agreed.

Then Gerald took a deep breath and shook his head like he was clearing it. “Okay. Okay, fine. So that’s where we’re at. I’m… grateful that you told me. But I want to ask some questions, because I want to understand how this works. Cain will only kill you if you give him the right signal?”

I slumped in my seat and let my head fall back on the chair, staring at the ceiling. “No,” I said. “He was waiting for a safe word tonotkill me. But the other night… the other night he asked me if I still want to die, and I said no because I thought he could take it, but he ran. And I haven’t heard from him since.”

Gerald frowned. “Wait… You’re saying the guy who was supposed to kill youleft you alonewhen you told him you didn’t want to die?”

I nodded without looking at him. “But the problem is, without him… now I want to die again.”

Gerald gave a little grunt, like he’d been poked with something sharp. “Bridget, please… please don’t—”

“I don’t want to kill myself, Gerald. I want to die. They’re different.”

“And you told this Cain person that?”

I sighed and sat up to meet his eyes—which were locked on me and more intense than I thought I’d ever seen from him.

I didn’t know whether to be touched, or irritated. But I swallowed and answered.

“Yes. But… that night… before he ran, he kissed me. It wasn’t until I admitted that I wanted to live, that he ran away.And he hasn’t come back. I think he’s gone and I’m falling apart. He’s like me, Gerald. I canfeelit. He’s the only person I’ve ever met who felt like that for me and it’s… God, I wish I could just be with him all the time. But now that I want to change the rules, he’s gone. He cut off the phone. He hasn’t showed up anywhere. Hasn’t answered any messages—I haven’t seen him on the forum… it’s like he never existed.” I swallowed the sudden lump in my throat. “And it’s sofuckingunfair—when I finally find something that makes me feel like life is worth living, he doesn’t want me unless I’m dead and… You have to help me, because he made me want to live, but I don’t wanttowantto live. And how fucked up is that?”

I was home and pacing my living room, Gerald’s words running loops in my head.

…Find a different life. Replace the dark thrills with healthy ones and discover that they can satisfy you… keep talking to the priest…

None of it sounded like what I wanted, but I was literally shaking. And I didn’t know what else to do, so I pulled out my phone and added Sam’s contact to my phone, then clicked the message icon to reply, which brought up the thread.

SAM NOTPRIEST: Bridget, this is Sam. I’m really sorry I upset you last week. I’ve got some of Richard’s stuff for you.

SAM NOTPRIEST: I found your number in his diary. I hope you don’t mind me using it. I could bring this stuff to you, or you can drop by. I’d like to apologize in person.

Biting my lip, I tappedreply.

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