Page 33 of Ordinary Girl

“Well, I’m not gonna lie and say that wasn’t part of it, yeah. But the second they told me about you, I wanted to help.”

I look at her, and I don’t know if she’s being genuine or not, and I hate what’s happening here, but it’s not like I’ve got anything else to do. I might as well hear her out.

“Okay. Tell me your story, then. Make me believe that all of this will start to feel better, eventually, because I can’t see how it can. I can’t.”

She briefly drops her gaze, picking at the hem of her denim skirt. “Me and Kel, we were dreamers, you know? Always believing we were going to have the perfect life, and nobody was ever going to tell us what to do. But to make all of that happen, we needed money. All these people who say love is all you need, that’s bullshit.” Her eyes meet mine, and even though I want to look away, I don’t. “We were young, our families didn’t approve of our relationship–”

“Why? Why didn’t they approve of your relationship?”

“Kel was, how do you say? From the wrong side of the tracks. Not good enough for me, my father used to say. And Kel’s mom, well, she thought I was only with him because I thought being with somebody like him, someone from a whole other world to mine, she thought I saw that as something I got a kick out of. She was wrong. I genuinely loved him. He loved me. Our differences were what brought us together, it kept our relationship alive. And we didn’t give a shit what our families thought, so we distanced ourselves from them. I was ostracized, told never to come back, and Kel’s mom…” She drops her head again, drags a hand back through her red hair, sighing heavily. “She couldn’t get over his leaving. She couldn’t believe he’d do that to her, put someone else before her.” Her eyes once more meet mine, and I’m a little shocked to see a sadness in hers, one I can identify with. Because I’ve felt it, too. “Kel always thought she did it to spite him. That it was a cry for help, something to get his attention, bring him back to her, but it went tragically wrong.”

“What happened?” I whisper. Because something obviously did.

“She took too many pills. Drank too much vodka. Didn’t call 112 in time.”

“Jesus…”

Cady shrugs, composing herself, but that memory obviously still haunts her. “Kel blamed himself, for a while. And he could’ve blamed me, too, but he didn’t. In the end he blamed her, for not accepting us.” She lights up another cigarette and takes a long, deep drag. “Anyway, to cut a long story short, we were on our own and we needed money. Kel was a mechanic, loved bikes, had one of his own, so when he heard about a job going in a bike repair shop in town, he went straight there. Got the job on the spot, had no idea the shop was owned by the Viking Bandits, but it got him a foot in the door. Wasn’t longbefore we were a part of the club: before they became the family we needed. A new family. One that accepted us, no questions. No judgement.”

“I still don’t understand what this has to do with me.”

She takes another drag on her cigarette and signals to Jep to fetch over two beers.

“They were out on a run, when it happened. Kel was sergeant-at-arms at the time, not that that had anything to do with it, it just meant that he needed to be there. I always got nervous when they went on runs, wasn’t all that keen when Kel started to move up the ranks, but he was living his dream, you know? Who was I to stand in his way, especially when this club had given us a lifeline. Anyway…” She stops talking for a second, drops her head and takes a breath before raising it again. “He didn’t come home alive. Everyone else did, but not Kel.” She shrugs and turns her head away, and I can tell she needs a second. Because I know what she’s about to tell me now. “They’d been in the middle of finishing a deal, in a bar just over the bridge, when another gang stormed in. A gang the Bandits had had dealings with in the past. Men who were still harboring grudges over a lost business opportunity the Bandits had jumped on. From what I was told it was quick, and it was instant, and Kel was the only brother to lose his life, which made it seem so much worse, at the time…”

“I’m so sorry,” I whisper, because I am, sorry.

“I blamed the club, I mean, of course I did! If he hadn’t been a part of it he’d still be alive, that’s what I thought. It’s what you’re thinking, too, isn’t it?”

I nod as another wave of grief threatens to engulf me.

“And you’d be right, to think that. Both Kel and your mama, theywouldbe alive today if they hadn’t been involved with this club. But shit happens. We can’t turn back time, and I know it’s easy for me to say that now, my grief has subsided. It was a longtime ago, when Kel died. Your grief is still raw and painful and I have no idea when you’ll even begin to feel better, we’re all different on that score.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever get over this,” I say quietly, glancing back over at Kasper, whose eyes meet mine, but I immediately look away. And I know none of this is his fault, not really, but I desperately need someone else to blame. Shouldering all the guilt is becoming exhausting.

“Maybe you won’t. I’m not sure anyone ever really gets over losing someone they love, but these feelingswillfade, believe me. The anger, the frustration, the gut-wrenching pain: the guilt, it’ll all fade. Eventually…”

“I don’t want to be here,” I whisper, looking at Cady. And she reaches for my hand and squeezes it tight, and she smiles, a genuinely warm and friendly smile. Does she really care about how I’m feeling? I don’t know who to trust anymore. Who to believe…

“You can trust Skip,” Cady says, and I want to believe her, but I can’t. I can’t do that, because it was his fault, too. That my mama died. He was the reason she came here in the first place. If she hadn’t met him… “Look, honey, I felt everything you’re feeling now, I hated this place. I fought against everything they tried to do for me, I was a bitch, you have no idea. But in the end I realized they were all I had, and I let them look after me. Let them be my family, they are good people, Ana. To those they care about. And they care aboutyou.”

“They don’t even know me.”

“Then let themgetto know you. Let that happen, because they really are all you have now.”

I raise my gaze to the ceiling, try to blink back hot, angry, frustrated tears because that can’t be true. It can’t be. It’s like some horrible nightmare I can’t wake up from.

“You left, though.” I look at her again. “Why did you leave?”

“You don’t need to know that. It’s not important. But it had nothing to do with this club or the people who are a part of it. They’ve been nothing but supportive of me since Kel died. They did everything they possibly could to make sure I was okay, and that’s all they want to do for you. Make sure you’re okay. And this can be a good life, Ana. If you let it happen.”

I find that very hard to believe. “I’ve lost everything,” I murmur as Cady’s fingers tighten around mine. “I’ve lost my mama, my business, my friends. My home. And this will never be my home, okay? It will never be my home.”

She lets go of my hand and shrugs. “There’s nothing more I can tell you, Ana. You’re just going to have to work through this the best you can, but know that there are people here who care about you. And if you need help, it’s there.”

She throws me one last smile and gets up from the couch, and I watch her walk over to the bar, Jep’s face breaking into a huge grin as she leans into him and plants a quick kiss on his cheek. I sit back and cross my legs up underneath myself. I don’t know what to do. I could go and help Freja in the kitchen, but I’m not really in the mood for that. I’m not really in the mood for anything.

“Hey. You want some company?”

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