Page 96 of Ordinary Girl

“You won’t. I promise you that.”

“That’s not a promise you can keep.”

I reach for her hand, bringing it to my lips and kissing it. “I’ll do my fucking best, kiddo. Is that any better?”

She rolls her eyes and smiles, and the mood lightens, but she needs to understand what I’ve just told her. She needs to promise me a couple of things, too.

“Stay home tomorrow, Ana. I need you to promise me that you’ll stay home.”

She stares at me, and I can see she wants to ask more questions. She wasn’t done talking about this, but I am.

“I need to know you’re going to be safe, do you understand? This is important. I need to know that you’re listening to me.”

“I’m listening. I get it.”

I think she does. I hope she does. “Good.” I pull her up with me. “We should be getting back. Skip’s telling everyone he’s stepping down as President once this is done, and that I’m taking over.”

She grabs hold of my kut and pulls me toward her, resting her forehead against mine. “I love you, Joel.”

“I love you too, kiddo.” I kiss the top of her head, feel her body stiffen against mine. “It’s going to be all right.” But I stop at sayingI promisebecause she isn’t going to listen to that. She’s not stupid. She knows how this world works now, and I wish she didn’t. I wish this wasn’t her life. I’m beginning to wish it wasn’t mine…

Thirty-Eight

Ana

The second I wake up I feel it, there, in the pit of my stomach. A bad feeling. A reason to want this day to end as quickly as possible.

I sit up and reach for my phone, there are already two messages waiting for me. One from Joel:Stay home, Ana. I’ll call you later.And one from Cady:Take the day off, kiddo. I can manage the store on my own for one day.She knows what’s going on, that message makes it obvious.

I get up, grab a quick shower, and get dressed before heading downstairs. Freja’s making eggs and toast and the second she sees me she smiles and pours me a coffee. She knows what’s going on, too, they think I can’t see it. I can read them all like books now, and I don’t know whether that makes me feel safer or not. The whole vibe today is giving off is weird and frightening and it’s not even ten 0’clock.

“Do you want some breakfast?” Freja asks, an uncharacteristic sing-song tone to her voice.

“Just some toast, please.” I think about asking her if she knows exactly what’s going to happen today, and then stop myself. What’s the point? No one’s going to tell me anything. And yet, this time, I know it’s for my own good. They’re getting justice for Mama, and while part of me is glad that’s happening, another part of me is terrified. And as I sit back and look out of the window, onto Freja and Dag’s neat back yard, I feel something else; a mixture of shock and disgust that I’m now someone who’s okay with knowing people are going to die today at the hands of a man I profess to love. At least, I’m assumingthat’s what’s going to happen. Are we still talking an eye for an eye here? And I do love him. Joel. I told him I loved him, and I meant it. I just need some time to get my head around everything, again: this new chapter of a life I never envisaged myself living. And suddenly, I’m terrified for a whole other reason.

“Here you go.” Freja places a plate of toast in front of me, and I look down and know that my appetite has disappeared. But I don’t want her to think anything’s wrong, so I quickly butter a couple of slices and grab my coffee.

“Thanks, Freja, but I’m going to take this up to my room if that’s okay?”

“Of course it is… Ana, you are staying home today, aren’t you?”

I just nod and smile and get up from the table, head back upstairs, and close my bedroom door behind me. What’s happening here, it’s bringing everything home to me, how dangerous this world is. And I thought I’d made peace with that, I really did. I thought it was all going to be okay – I thoughtIwas okay because I had Joel, he’s the reason I’m still here. The only reason. I was going to leave, walk away, but then I fell in love, with a man who’s about to do something that once-upon-a-time would’ve appalled me. Mama was right, I did have a romanticized view of these men; this world. The reality is very different, but I’m okay with that, I really am. I’m used to it now. Aren’t I?

I set my plate of rapidly cooling toast down on the dressing table, take a sip of coffee, and walk over to the window. Outside it’s like any other ordinary suburban street. It’s quiet, because the school and work rush are over now, there are just one or two people milling about: a woman across the road is tending to her front yard while talking to a man balancing a baby on his hip. A young couple pass by with their little dog, I’ve spoken to them acouple of times. They’re nice. Friendly. Do they know who Dag and Freja are? The kind of world they belong to?

I close my eyes and rest my forehead against the glass, putting my mug down on the window-ledge. And even though I’ve tried to forget what my dad told me, tried to push it aside because I don’t want anything from him: I don’t want him in my life, but at the same time, hearing that Lars and Lea are okay… Are they really okay, though? Has he really seen them? Really spoken to them? The idea that he’s just telling me this to try and worm his way into my life, that won’t go away.

I open my eyes and sit down on the bed, reaching for my phone, my fingers hovering over Joel’s number, but I know that calling him is a mistake. My head’s full of second thoughts and what ifs and I think I just need to wait and see what happens when this is all over. When the job is done and Mama’s death has been avenged, because that’s happening today. And it’s everything I want…

Joel

“You okay with Skip leaving?” Wade asks as we drag the crate of weapons out of the back room of the workshop.

“Would it matter if I wasn’t?”

Wade prises the lid off with a crowbar, leans back against the crate and crosses his arms. “It’s a bit sudden, that’s all. Has he really thought about this?”

“For longer than you might think,” I say, pulling a semi-automatic out of the crate.

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